Hey guys. I'm happy this subreddit exists and look forward to reading more. I think it has a lot of potential and hope to help out others where I can. In this case, though, I want to get something off my chest. There's a TL;DR at the bottom for those who don't like long posts.

A while ago I had a horrible argument with my girlfriend. We live together and both often work from home. I'm currently at a job I don't like, and admittedly have been worn down by it for the past year or so. For whatever reason, one night we both woke up at 2am and snapped at eachother, resulting in a lot of angry shouting.

This spiralled out of control and touched on everything: family, work, money, and all the emotional sore points in our lives. Anyone who's been in a long-term relationship will know what it's like to have someone who knows all of your doubts and insecurities suddenly be willing to say anything to hurt you. One of mine is that I often feel I am not wanted anywhere and that I am a burden to others. As a result, I work extremely hard and am independent to a fault, sometimes not asking for help where I should. She went out of her way to pick on this point, telling me she didn't want me living with her, that I was a parasite, and to go "back to where I came from" - particularly hurtful as an immigrant.

This argument was so intense that, the next morning, I decided to stay at an AirBnB for a couple of weeks to clear my head. It was fantastic, a quiet place in the countryside. I got to play with the host's dogs, went trail running every day, and really paid attention to my own needs. I felt like I was watching over myself and taking good care of him. Since I wasn't at home, I was spending a lot more time in public spaces; usually cafes, libraries, bookshops, parks, my gym, or the outdoors around where I was staying. During the entire two weeks, though, something really stuck out to me: I could not shake this feeling that I was being treated with suspicion bordering on contempt.

Again, I have a feeling a lot of guys here will know what I mean. I present myself pretty well, which at least earns me some leeway with most people, but something about a lone adult male just looking to exist somewhere doesn't seem to be a social norm. It even seems to cause people discomfort. It's hard to describe it exactly. Even my AirBnB host didn't seem thrilled with the idea of allowing a single guy in their rental unit until I bent over backwards to be polite and compliant. I realised that, actually, the only time I ever really felt welcome anywhere is when I had a job to do. One night, I sat down and tried to mentally list out all of the places where people would actually be happy to see me and share my company for it's own sake. The list was very short.

By coincidence, I had a major breakthrough on one of the projects I'd been working on outside of my "real" job. Some investors expressed interest in an idea of mine, and it looks like I'm set to embark on something really interesting that could make a fair amount of money.

A few heartfelt conversations over the phone later, and I'm back where I'm meant to be living with my girlfriend. I told her about what I'd been doing. She's thrilled that I've got this project going, and has been exceptionally respectful and lovey-dovey since then. I can tell she's already rewriting the narrative in her head that she supported me without fault the entire way.

I'm in a very good place now, psychologically, because I'm ready to focus on a new set of projects and do more with my life than just a job I don't enjoy. I also think that it's important to reflect on difficult times. Right now, I'm a relatively young man, with a lot of energy and ideas and willingness to achieve things. But now, I'm very worried that I'm not valued for who I am, only what I can do. Perhaps it's just been a bad set of experiences, but this seems to apply to everyone, from strangers to those closest to me.

TL;DR - An argument with my girlfriend led me to take some time away by myself and notice that I'm not really welcomed in many places, whether by her, by "friends", or by strangers. Now a big work opportunity has paid off, and I'm happy about that, but can't shake the feeling that I'll only ever be accepted, liked, admired, loved, or whatever else based on my achievements and standing. Who I am as a person, or just the fact that I am a person, doesn't seem to be enough.

Thanks to anyone that reads this, it feels good to at least type it out here.