A Discussion About "Husband Training"

OThomson · 2012-03-04T23:07:50+00:00

It's a legitimate issue, regendering is our friend. Reverse the pronouns present it to others and if they look shocked or horrified then it has legitimacy.

TDOM · 2012-03-04T23:38:00+00:00

Begin the discussion by asking whether or not a loving person would or should treat their spouse like an animal. Was anyone else offended? If the genders were reveresed would anyone find that offensive.

It is a men's issue because articles like this one promote negative stereotypes and affirm one spouse as the "superior" and one as the "inferior" in the relationship. In the short term these techniques may work. in the long term they are more likely to result in resentment.

TDOM

DoctorStorm · 2012-03-05T02:02:14+00:00

Try to veer the conversation in the direction of selfless/selfish compromising, and away from "SO training" based on gender.

A healthy relationship requires compromise, and part of compromising is entertaining your SO's observations and criticisms. The obligations we have are to give our SO the benefit of the doubt first, and determine the level of selflessness/selfishness of the request second.

"Please make a conscious effort to take the initiative to clean the kitchen more often," has nothing to do with gender. Don't let them make it about gender. It is a reasonable request that is made rather often by people in general, both male and female.

In any given instance the person making the request may not like cleaning and thus wants someone else to take the responsibility. If they make up for it by doing more of the cooking - then you've reached a compromise with a healthy selflessness/selfishness ratio. They want you to clean the kitchen more often, but only because they hate cleaning and enjoy cooking more. We can entertain this conversation without making it about gender.

The selflessness to selfishness ratio is something that varies according to the people in the relationship and the topic at hand. To give you an example, say your SO requested you stop using your computer after 7PM everyday. Digging deeper into the reasons behind the request, you may determine that:

They want you to focus more on the relationship and home life and less on work - they may genuinely be trying to help you better relax and focus more on winding down at the end of the day.
They are exhibiting jealousy or control issues, and are upset that they are receiving less attention than what they expect to receive or believe they deserve.

Whatever it is, it has to be determined by talking it out - and looking at the selflessness to selfishness ratio helps you come to logical conclusions that are highly conducive to healthy compromises. #1 above has an acceptable ratio. They may want more of your time and attention, but they're equally as concerned about your mental health and well-being and are giving you observations and critiques that are honest and meaningful. #2 above is far more selfish. It has more to do with forcing you to modify your behavior to better serve their wants and needs, and less to do with healthy compromise.

That being said, the word "training" carries with it a very negative connotation. I wholeheartedly believe we "train" each other in relationships, but start off the conversation by requesting everyone use a word other than "training". "Compromising" is a far better word to use here in my opinion.

I do not train my girlfriend and she doesn't train me, but we do modify our behaviors according to compromise. "Training" implies that one person modifies the behavior of the other against their will or without their explicit knowledge or consent. "Compromising" implies that one person explicitly consents to modify their behavior based on the logical and reasonable requests made by the other person.

CaptSnap · 2012-03-05T04:09:15+00:00

Since youre discussing learning, talk about how you can learn two things from the article...what its talking about, and what its implying.

Its talking about positive and negative reinforcement (vs punishment) which is fairly well known. Unless this is an intro to psychology class none of this should be fairly ground-breaking.

Whats probably not covered as well in your text is the underlying assumption that since she isnt happy or is annoyed its her husband's fault and he needs to change. Since nagging wont work, she found something that will...train him like you would a dog.

You could just as easily write an article for men about how to change their wives to make sure they make you even happier than they are...but instead of positive and negative reinforcement...use punishment.

If she does something you dont like...yell at her until she stops.

If she talks to much on the phone...take it away, or take away her makeup for a week, or block her favourite websites.

You should ask why an article like that wouldnt get published in the New York Times. (bit of a puzzler huh?) Its the exact same premise...using conditioning to elicit a response and then using it on your spouse, whats the difference?

Neuromancer4242 · 2012-03-05T13:28:14+00:00

I remember reading this article in 2006.

I've been using this technique on everyone since, gf, parents, co-workers...

:D

truthjusticeca · 2012-03-05T03:54:01+00:00

I think it's important to tell men in the audience the truth about how women view them as a partner in marriage. .

That should make them think twice about making the mistake of modern marriage.

Title	A Discussion About "Husband Training"
Author	crack-en
Upvotes	13
Comments	11
Date	March 4, 2012 11:05 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/qhpzl/a_discussion_about_husband_training/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/a-discussion-about-husband-training.1026644 https://theredarchive.com/post/1026644

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