Could I have handled this better?

Rosenthorne · 2013-08-04T23:07:00+00:00

I think you made your points well. It probably won't change her mind about anything, but being rational and cognizant is about the best you can do.

A couple other things that could have been brought up:

pro·fil·ing [proh-fahy-ling] (n.):

The use of personal characteristics or behavior patterns to make generalizations about a person, as in gender profiling. (source)

So right away she's wrong about the definition of gender profiling. She's absolutely engaging in it by attributing potential violence to men and potential physical/mental weakness to women. I'm assuming she's in favor of gender equality, so I'd ask her how making men solely responsible for a woman's comfort furthers that equality. Women who genuinely feel threatened by a man approaching her have the ability to correct that situation, so why should it be his responsibility?

Also worth pointing out:

rape is a fear we live with almost nonstop and by doing something as simple as crossing the street at night, you could help put that fear to rest if only for a moment.

Another way we could help put that fear to rest would be to stop perpetuating the myth that people are frequently raped by strangers on the street. Nearly 80% of rapes are done by someone the victim knows, and only about 15% of incidents occur in an open/public area (source). Most occur indoors, usually at the victim's house.

I'd also ask her if she thinks it's fair to profile by race instead of gender. Should black people be encouraged to cross the street so white people don't have to feel nervous? Since Native Americans, as a group, are more likely to be victims of violent crimes (source), should we all have to cross the street to help them alleviate their fears? It's no better than calling all men potential criminals.

Expecting men who have no intention of committing violence to prove that they have no violent intentions is not only absurd, it does absolutely nothing to decrease incidents of actual rape. Maybe we should be focusing on those, rather than shaming men and degrading women with this ridiculous profiling.

dsgjhadfgakj · 2013-08-04T23:13:01+00:00

Frankly, men have a lot to fear from strangers on the street at night as well. Say I go home from work, I have to walk from the subway to my house. I'm wearing a suit and tie. Some young guy in baggy pants and a sweater is coming towards me...

He could decide to mug me because I look like I have money. He could just pull a knife and stab me without saying a word before taking my wallet while I'm on the ground bleeding to death. Muggings are more common than rapes. Muggings that go wrong are also pretty common, probably even more than random rapes on the street.

My answer is "Stop being paranoid". If you can't do that, stay home. Or cross the street yourself. Or arrange to walk home with someone. But don't blame your paranoia on the lack of consideration of the people your wrongfully fear. "It would be nice of you to cross the street to make me feel better" is not a polite and innocent request, it's a passive-aggressive way of accusing people of being inconsiderate and blaming them for your fears.

Also, I ask myself what would happen if all men suddenly agreed to cross the street for women. I think after just a year or two it would become socially unacceptable to just pass a woman in the street. People who didn't cross the street for women would be considered creeps by everyone around. Those who reject widely accepted social norms invariably end up labeled as creeps and deviants. And no, I don't want to live in that sort of society.

Watertor · 2013-08-05T01:03:27+00:00

If someone claims that, in order to feel safe, someone has to cross the street... I'd imagine the person threatened should do so.

Or do you just say to the snake in a defensive position "Hey can you go away?" and continue down the path?

bjjbjj · 2013-08-05T05:41:07+00:00

this is what blacks had to do in the south when a white man walked by. Do they not see this?

Nomenimion · 2013-08-04T23:08:13+00:00

Her claim that "women are often blamed for being raped" is bologna.

rightsbot · 2013-08-04T21:10:18+00:00

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64682 · 2013-08-05T07:10:29+00:00

I agree.we should isolate ourselves as dangerous or harmful over someone else's fear of us even though we didn't do anything?maybe since I'm Asian, I shouldn't walk on the same street as someone walking their dog! That's just a fat load.

Pecanpig · 2013-08-05T09:01:23+00:00

Not really.

You made a good logical point, and that's all you can hope for with people like that.

igm3rdart · 2013-08-05T10:06:50+00:00

I'm paraphrasing, but the bit where you mention that if you feel threatened you should take measures to protect yourself could have been explained better. It might have helped if you left it out altogether because with the phrasing of it sounded like 'victim blaming'. Of course if you feel the idea and/or the statement is what you are passionate about and you wish to convey it as is to others it's your choice. But it is possible that a change like that could make this idea not as easily disregarded.

Neurotikitty · 2013-08-05T13:08:29+00:00

You know, it's feminists that seem hell-bent on making me afraid of rape. I've never been afraid of being raped (because I know the chances are miniscule), yet they are constantly telling me how women live in constant fear of it.

Legolas-the-elf · 2013-08-05T00:04:20+00:00

I don't think Facebook comments are a suitable place to have in-depth discussions. If you're going to respond to something like this, you have to keep it short.

It says our very existence is threatening and we're the ones that have to make up for it.

This was very succinct. Perhaps just say that you don't like the article, and offer that as an example.

999papercranes · 2013-08-04T22:00:07+00:00

"101 Everyday Ways for Men to be Allies to Women" NOT "101 Everyday Things Men Must Do or Else They are Misogynists"

I don't think her tone was that defensive. Even her wording "by doing something as simple as crossing the street at night, you could help put that fear to rest" is pretty neutral in that it is a choice not a requirement.

GenderEqualityKing · 2013-08-04T21:50:18+00:00

I don't know: I see nothing wrong with a man crossing the street when a woman is approaching him, although I'm sure some women might interpret it as a creepy thing in its own right. Sometimes it's difficult to predict people's behavior in reaction to things, unfortunately.

Title	Could I have handled this better?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	29
Comments	21
Date	August 4, 2013 9:09 PM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/1jp7aq/could_i_have_handled_this_better/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/could-i-have-handled-this-better.1167201 https://theredarchive.com/post/1167201

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