Fellas, I need advice. My situation is not unique, but I'm feeling a little helpless and don't know where to go for advice.

Some of you will be aware of these groups - but I suppose for the benefit of the masses I'll explain. There exist these private, secretive Facebook groups, that permit only women. In these groups, women share pictures of men and generally ask "if there's any gossip about this guy". The general idea, I guess, is to protect women from potentially dangerous men (which, by the way, I'm all for).

I've had the misfortune of having two bad relationships in my late twenties. I wrote about one here on Reddit, and the story kinda went viral on Reddit and TikTok, incidentally. The story goes I dated this girl with whom I was woefully in love, we were living together, and she cheated on me with two guys. Many months after initially suspecting this, I caved in to my gut feeling, and read her phone messages / diary. It was kinda horrifying. Just two hours before, she'd asked me where we'd be raising kids together, and now I was being confronted with texts from some DJ from Miami saying he's going to "finger her until she squirts on the wall, and then cum on her face". And that was one of two.

Next relationship lasted two years. Found out after-the-fact that she had fucked another dude the night of the first date, after I dropped her back at her place, and had begged him to come meet her in the bathroom of where we were at whilst on the date. 3 months into our relationship, she cheated on me with him whilst on vacation. I dated her for two more years blissfully unaware.

I did my best to move on, but both exes seemed to have done their utmost to tarnish my name amongst their friends. I guess the sudden breakups didn't make sense to their friends, who asked why I'd ended things with them. "Oh he's an asshole, he's emotionally abusive, etc. etc.".

It seems now I'm a regular fixture in one of these "Are We Dating the Same Guy" groups. I don't really know why. The first time was actually really positive, it was when I'd met a girl on a plane - and she was trying to find out who I was. She and I are on good terms - but never had the chance to develop a connection given we live in different cities. All the comments from women I'd never met were suggesting I was cheating on my wife, given the nature of the trip I was on. I'm 29 and have absolutely never been married. I laughed - it seemed to just be women gossiping, who cares.

Some of the time, the posts get no comments. That's okay too I guess.

The problem, however, friends (well, specifically one friend) of my first ex have recently started an absolute smear campaign about me. They make some valid points: I read her messages - that's true - but then go on to say I'm controlling, or a psycho, for doing so. I did so after four months of grappling with a deep deep gut feeling, that proved to be right, so in context I'm not sure I was so bad. I regret it, but I would have regretted getting 10 years down the line with that girl, getting married and having kids: God knows I would have.

The part that worries me most though, is that adjacent to these "okay" points, they make absolutely extraordinary claims: that I stalked her after we broke up, that I was physically threatening, and that she's afraid to see me in the street ever again, and that I hacked her phone. I have never stalked an ex, and have never laid hands on a woman in my life, and don't have the technical know how to hack a phone. I was raised by a single mother, in a family of only women. It just simply isn't me. After that break up, I checked myself into therapy with a female therapist, and just wished never to see her again.

The reason I mention the second ex, is this: She's never really let "us" go. She always said, if she ever found out I was dating another girl after we broke up - that would be the thing to break her. After appearing four or five times on this group, I deactivated my dating app profile. This was ±6 weeks ago. And yet STILL I KEEP GETTING POSTED. So now, I'm wondering how or why do I keep getting posted? I'm not actively dating anymore?

Originally I developed the theory that my most recent ex was posting me - because the app I was using forbids screenshots anyway, if you screenshot other profiles, you will have your account banned, but I figured maybe they had some app or another to screenshot without getting detected. I'm still not sure though.

Fellas, I'm at a loss for what to do. I can meet people easily enough without dating apps, that's alright. I guess I'm an okay looking guy, in good shape, with hobbies and a good career etc. My concern here is more like, maybe I'm interviewing for a big position at a job, and the recruiter for the position is on this group, and she goes hang on a minute: I know this guy, he beats women! I'm concerned it might impact my living situation too (I'm on a skilled work visa where I live), if it affects my work. It's getting to the point where I'm legitimately concerned for the real world ramifications it could have on my life, beyond just dating. It's been 4-6 months of constantly having friends who are on the group messaging me, being like "u/torakfirenze, this is crazy - look at what this girl is saying about you!". I've felt so disheartened seeing the gossip, and moreover so absolutely helpless, sometimes I've considered finding a tall building and throwing myself off it.

I've messaged the girl who's saying all the stuff asking her to please stop, I've moved past all that drama and I'd hoped she could too. I'm worried that's just exacerbated the problem.

Where do I go from here?

If it helps - I live in the UK.