Codependency

Gravel_Roads · 2019-07-30T10:58:05+00:00

Most people have some sort of social "dependency", in that we're social creatures and we don't like being entirely alone. But it only becomes a problem when it disrupts your life. So while it's normal for most people to want to be around people and to even be unhappy when we're not around people we like, it only really becomes a "codependency" (with scare-quotes), if you're unable to function independently.

ie - Missing your partner when they're away on a trip is normal. But drinking heavily and refusing to get out of bed for days because you miss them so much that you can't face your empty home without your partner in it is unhealthy.

Q4M: If you have ever been in a codependent relationship, how has that affected the both of you? Is it the same as oneitis? Did it positively or negatively affect the sex drives of either partner?

I feel like it's a lot more common for young people still learning healthy boundaries. I literally didn't even know to watch out for it in myself as a young person, so I thought it was normal and even "expected" to be upset when I'm unable to access my partner. It got tedious and emotionally exhausting, though, so I kinda naturally just stopped doing it as I grew and matured. I value my time too much to waste it pining for others.

A "oneitis" is different in that (unless I'm misunderstanding the term), it is usually unreciprocated interest in a person. It's one-sided. The "co" in co-dependence suggests that both parties are dependent on one another, so it's not the same as oneitis (though the level of obsession/fixation from the interested party might look very similar if they were in a co-dependent relationship.)

It didn't really affect our sex life, much. Maybe it caused a little more "scarcity" mentality in both of us, leading to slightly more sex, but the sex more often felt like we had something to prove or affirm. It decreased the passion and emotional bonding because we were using it as a way to sooth separation anxiety instead of just connect and enjoy each other physically.

Q4All: How does one prevent being too clingy or codependent without having preoccupied thoughts/feelings?

It takes WORK. And maturity. Self-awareness, consideration of your partner as a whole human being with their own lives rather than as a commodity, and what the RP calls "saving something for yourself". You have to be willing to force yourself to seek new stimulation and do new things alone. The idea that once your in a relationship you have to do everything together is actually a recipe for disaster -- no matter how much you like each other, you're inevitably going to saturate on one another's company if you spend every waking moment together.

I have a loose 2/1 policy, where I spend one day entirely on myself for every 2 days I spend with my partner. I tell my partners this overtly so that they know what to expect. I've noticed that my partners benefit from this ration as well, as it also keeps them from developing co-dependent habits, and forced them to also take a day off for themselves. It helps in recharging your social batteries too.

fuckdr11 · 2019-07-30T12:56:32+00:00

If you’re an adult and you “need” some other, specific person in order to survive, you’re weak.

i_have_a_semicolon · 2019-07-30T12:07:12+00:00

I think there is healthy codependency and unhealthy codependency. Healthy codependency occurs in a relationship where both people are willing to trust and put the others needs above their own needs and trust the other is doing the same. Unhealthy is when it affects your life in negative ways. I think healthy codependency is required for a mutual happy relationship. If you cannot depend on eachother , for everything and anything, do you really have a relationship with that person ?

SqueaksScreech · 2019-07-30T17:20:12+00:00

Fucking hated it. Like dude you can function without needing someone to hold your damn hand. I hate it so bad they need you for every little shit and I just can't. No just no.

strangelovesglasses · 2019-07-30T10:13:10+00:00

codependency is bullshit, you need other people around to you to function properly and some people need partners. the independence is what hurts.

diffdedbed · 2019-07-30T13:19:19+00:00

Q4All: How does one prevent being too clingy or codependent without having preoccupied thoughts/feelings?

This is not codependency.

This is...

Codependency is characterized by a person belonging to a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship where one person relies on the other for meeting nearly all of their emotional and self-esteem needs. It also describes a relationship that enables another person to maintain their irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2019-07-30T13:35:36+00:00

Lol codependency is a bullshit term from AA used to pathologize love

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verticordia · 2019-07-30T13:47:58+00:00

My mom was in AA... i know all about codependency. Every relationship or whatever you call it I've been in has been ruined by the "cOdEpEnDenCy" bogeyman. I am constantly aware of the fact that human beings are flighty by nature and it's ridiculous to expect someone to meet your emotional needs and only you are responsible for your thoughts and actions. I struggle with making healthy boundaries so I just don't date. I really hate the thought of another human being having control over you and their approval/presence being important to you.

Aaren_Augustine · 2019-07-30T14:47:04+00:00

I think you don't pick spouse that suffers from Acute Spousal Annoyitis and wants to hang out with you. Past that, all these "diagnosis" names just boil down to cultivating discipline to have a more balanced relationship.

[deleted] · 2019-07-30T20:20:13+00:00

I call it cool dependency, and its what makes relationships fun. You never know what unhealthy or crazy shit a codependent woman will do next. Slash your tires? Stalk you? Accuse you of cheating if you dont fuck her 10 times in a row? Try to be your mother? You just dont know. What a rush! Ordinary relationships are so humdrum and businesslike.

Orange_Paisley · 2019-07-30T23:40:00+00:00

I seem to attract codependent men. But I also need my own space. I want to be loved and adored and needed, but I also want to be able to go do my own thing (even if that thing is just binge watch murder documentaries in a different room) and hang out with my friends without suffering a barrage of needy texts every five minutes.

poppy_blu · 2019-07-31T00:20:32+00:00

How do you define co-dependency?

rosyandthemachine · 2019-07-30T13:15:16+00:00

Every relationship ive been madly in love has been slightly codependent. My struggle is those men demanding I'm NOT.

Women who love madly should be what men want. I still don't get it lol.

Fortunately, my current bf LOVES admiration so it works out. I found balance.

Title	Codependency
Author	Maybelowsmv
Upvotes	5
Comments	66
Date	July 30, 2019 9:40 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/cjpeu0/codependency/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/codependency.254678 https://theredarchive.com/post/254678

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