Question for autistic women

PurplePillDebate-ModTeam · 2024-10-02T11:24:55+00:00

OPs should be discussion topics, not requests for advice about personal experiences. Requests for personal advice can go in the daily thread.

Sillysheila · 2024-10-01T23:45:58+00:00

I mean I really need more information here.

What’s happening in these interactions?

Do you think that the threshold of your friend’s sensitivity is high or low? Just on average?

I’m very sorry that you feel like your AFAB friends are being mean to you. Have you ever sat down and tried to talk out the issues you have had with them?

If you think they’re mean, then you might need to discuss ways they can avoid making you feel bad. Maybe they didn’t know it upset you.

If they don’t care that you feel bad when you hang out with them, they might be toxic friends. Toxic friends are best cut out of your life. I know it can be difficult. I’ve been there. I have had very toxic friends in the past that scapegoated me. It’s particularly hard for us autistic people because we don’t know when or how we will make new friends, but trust me when I say if you’re not having fun with your friends then it isn’t worth it.

Valuable-Pea8501 · 2024-10-02T01:02:56+00:00

I do not have autism but I've been raised around men and women having themselves been raised by men.

The reason I'm being precise on the latter is because the genders are being socialised to communicate differently, and such behaviours can be passed to members of the opposite sex. I struggled a lot to fit in female groups when I was younger because I just wasn't taught the social behaviour to adopt.

From what I could experience, female social groups tend to value in group cohesion way more than males to the extent that telling white lies to preserve peace within the group is sometimes required. The communication aspect is also more indirect, and the bonding activities revolve around sharing "speaking" moments.

Male groups tend to be more "casual" in the way that it's super easy to get acquainted with a bunch of men but also easier to fall out with them. Since there isn't such a desire to maintain social cohesion, the communication style is more direct and confrontational. Men tend to bond through shared "doing" activities. The act of "ribing" serves as an alternative to emotional expression due to restrictive gender norms.

Of course, these are generalities and don't apply to every individual. Those are gathered by my own assessments.

I also think that some of your friends might also be assholes OP lol.

AngeCruelle · 2024-10-02T00:05:33+00:00

I am possibly autistic with masking deeply ingrained. Definitely diagnosed with ADHD. Many social cues did not come naturally to me. They were more something that I adopted through consequences, either real or anticipated, and positive reinforcement.

My first two years in high school were a major source of this as well. It was all-girl. I accidentally fell in with a pretty popular group of girls because we all went to middle school together and they remembered me fondly. Other girls would try to join with varying levels of success. This one girl in particular really rubbed some people the wrong way. They told me we were going to be moving tables without saying anything to her about it. She got the memo and stopped seeking us out after that. For two years, up until I had enough with other bullshit they pulled, I very much sculpted this persona dedicated to keeping that group happy with me so I wouldn't arrive at an empty table one day. On an even larger scale there was this "pretty, bright, outgoing, energetic young lady" image the school liked to promote overall. And if you didn't fit it, or at least try to, you would have a hard time.

For better or worse I have found that those years have made me rather hyperaware of how women feel and how to be liked within a group of women. Not necessarily by everyone, but I always manage to get at least one woman in my corner in any environment.

-Shes-A-Carnival · 2024-10-02T01:09:23+00:00

what

Nyanpireeee · 2024-10-02T04:00:48+00:00

I think women are taught to be responsible for the emotions of everyone around them, there’s this huge pressure to please everyone, and they then project the same expectation onto the people they engage with.

Nervous-Piece-5517 · 2024-10-02T08:41:55+00:00

I'm an autistic woman who has a pretty 50/50 split of male and female friends; here's my perspective.

I see what you mean about it being easier to offend women than men. I say a lot of things that accidentally offend or seem insensitive. I remember deciding that being friends with men was just way easier, since they usually don't act mad at me or cut me off if I do something wrong. But here's the secret: I think men are offended almost just as often as women, but simply don't tell you.

From my experience, when I offend a woman she tells me, gets mad, and asks for an apology. If this does not happen she may stop speaking with me. If I offend a man, he may act distant for a day or say something bad about me behind my back and never mention it to my face. First is more challenging but in many ways simpler to understand.

I find it far more fulfilling, but also difficult to be friends with women. There are often more nuances and social rules to learn, so it can seem more difficult. However, most of my closest and most meaningful friendships are female so I am happy to put in the extra effort. When you find the right people it'll be second nature and the constant offences will cease.

These are all generalisations based on my experience, so take this with a grain of salt. But the bottom line is: women are usually more honest when you offend them so they seem more sensitive. You may be pissing off your guy friends pretty frequently too.

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GoldSailfin · 2024-10-01T23:10:02+00:00

Why are your friends getting so angry at you?

prolixdreams · 2024-10-02T02:37:12+00:00

I’m not sure these are good friends. I’ve had bad “friends” and good friends and the good ones and I all give each other a lot of grace and assume best intentions.

operation-spot · 2024-10-02T04:27:10+00:00

I have both male and female friends and I’m friends with them because they understand that I’m blunt but well meaning. When I’m with women I don’t know as well I do mask a lot more and watch my words but I only have to keep it up enough to deepen the connection and build a level of trust.

While it may feel like walking on eggshells it may be good practice for what’s actually expected of you in the world because hanging out with men is not going to help you with that.

Title	Question for autistic women
Author	GarfeildHouse
Upvotes	2
Comments	37
Date	October 1, 2024 11:02 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/1fu1rrv/question_for_autistic_women/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/question-for-autistic-women.1531819 https://theredarchive.com/post/1531819

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