Feedback from your Ex

PhantomDream09 · 2016-08-10T02:52:10+00:00

There is nothing to be gained by re-opening doors with an ex. Upon ending a romantic relationship (or having the door closed for you), that person (moving forward) should have no standing, position, or influence in your life. There's nothing to be gained by keeping an ex around, inviting them to continue being in your life, or (even worse) trying to 're-connect' with each other months/years afterwards.

Even in the case of amicable, mutually agreed on break-ups - I see no advantage to having the ex around. Good, bad, or ugly there's a reason (perhaps many) that the relationship ended. It's your job (as part of the growing/improving process) to figure out what you personally did wrong, and where your vetting process malfunctioned. I believe that dating a sub-par/ineffective/lackluster man is the fault of the woman. Either they ignore red-flags deliberately (or minimize them) or they (the women) aren't doing the necessary legwork to vet the man before jumping into a relationship with them. If you can/could say "I always end up with jerks" what you're really saying is "I have a habit of seeking out 'jerks'" and the vetting procedures you have in place are either failing somewhere along the way, and/or your ability to draw better quality men to the table is lacking. Usually it's a combination of the two (lack of personal flaws, and an inability to vet thoroughly/realistically when taking your personal value/attractiveness etc into account).

Too often 'getting back in touch' with an ex leads to both people revisiting certain things (flings, casual hook-ups). When things ended on a chaotic or heated note, one or both people may be motivated to try and find some kind of closure or reconciliation. You suddenly end up forgetting why you broke up, especially if you are in a place where you feel lonely and confused. It's easy to fall into old patterns, familiarity brings comfort. You may reach out to the person for the sake of progressing, but it's far too easy to regress back to the person you used to be with them.

Don't open those doors. 'Closure' doesn't exist, it's just something people desire and seek out naturally (we like tidy 'endings' - all the better if they turn into new beginnings....right??)

Ideally, after a relationship ends, you delete all the contact information for that person so that you can't 'reconnect' with them in the future even if you want to (moments of weakness, doubt, longing etc).

Reflect as best you can, be objective. Going to an ex for 'perspective' is, in my opinion, akin to putting bleach in your coffee and calling it 'cream.' You can lie to yourself, and everyone around you, and say it's really delicious and beneficial - but you're still willfully destroying yourself from the inside out and actively undermining your well-being/health/personal progress.

If/When you do meet someone new and wonderful...think about how much more complicated things become the minute you have to explain that one of your closest friends (or even just someone you hang out with regularly) is an ex. That opens so many cans of worms that literally no one wants to deal with. Yes, I know, in today's culture, being on friendly terms with an ex (or even friends with them) is supposed to be some magical indication of 'maturity.' I think it's a load of sh-t. That person is a reminder that you have f-cked other people, had at least one failed relationship. Either the ex is hotter, or uglier than the new person, more or less intelligent etc. Having an ex in your social circle is basically a challenge to new men...and a lot of smart men see the presence of an ex as an immediate red-flag.

conotocaurius · 2016-08-10T02:21:08+00:00

While I'm sure there are people out there who could provide unbiased, productive feedback to an ex, 99% of the time this will not go down well.

LaPrimaVera · 2016-08-10T02:47:16+00:00

I'm sure there are more unbiased people to ask for dating advice, an older married woman such as your mother, aunt or a friend. The best advice comes from the people who have what you are seeking.

Unless you want to be with a man exactly the same as your ex I wouldn't expect his advice to be useful, and even then you'd have to be extremely critical of it.

AliceOxalis · 2016-08-10T03:06:37+00:00

Don't bother

ThorsdaySaturnday · 2016-08-10T03:06:46+00:00

My ex and have done it for each other. I didn't get much out of it aside from us forgiving each other and agreeing to move on with our lives.

maya_elena · 2016-08-10T04:02:40+00:00

I wouldn't do it.

It only puts you in a weak position and costs you any dignity you might have salvaged in the breakup.

Maybe in a few decades, if you, your spouse, he and his spouse are all good friends having a few drinks on the porch while your teenage kids make out in the basement thinking you don't know. :p

CoochQuarantine · 2016-08-10T11:10:02+00:00

No. Your ex is not your future man. He can't tell you what another man would want from you. That's just never a good idea.

Kittenkajira · 2016-08-10T16:17:22+00:00

My ex-husband came home one day to say he wanted a divorce. As I sat there in shock, he kept giving me reasons why, almost like he was trying to convince himself of it. After a good 5 minutes of it, I finally yelled THAT'S ENOUGH! All of the reasons were pretty generic and non-specific, such as "I love you more like a brother loves a sister, not how a husband loves a wife". I don't think any of it was constructive for me. Turns out he was seeing someone else, a dear friend of ours who turned him against me. Not that our relationship was perfect - it was far from it, and the break up was certainly for the best.

So in my experience, if you get feedback from your ex it's not likely to be the truth, and won't be constructive if it is. I only once asked for more information once after that - when the blinders came off and suddenly I saw all the clues pointing towards the friend. Even then I was only able to get him to half-admit that he had been seeing someone else.

whistling_dixie · 2016-08-11T21:31:22+00:00

Everything looks different in the rear-view mirror. There's nothing to be gained from it, it's best to just let the past stay in the past.

chairman_mau5 · 2016-08-10T13:45:52+00:00

Not a good idea. When you break up he should be out of your life, and not a person you want to have an intimate conversation about relationships. Tried it once, and ended up re-kindling things...after he had slept with my roommate. Complete disaster. Another 6 months wasted.

Why not get a relationship mentor like a family member? The best advice I have found is from my mom and grandmothers. All three have/had very successful marriages and are the happiest women I know about their husbands. With 124 years of marriage split between the three of them, I am very confident in seeking them out for advice.

maya_elena · 2016-08-10T22:23:47+00:00

This kind of turns the question on its head, and -not sarcastically - have any of you wanted to provide your ex feedback? At least on those last moments before you hit the eject button (not revisiting the relationship years later, obviously)?

I am thinking of one instance in which I took the easy (cowardly) way out initiating the breakup - "distance is hard, not working out, different paths, blah blah", and then I regretted it and felt I should have been honest and said what bothered me.

Hypnoxia · 2016-08-14T01:54:55+00:00

I would not. In many cases, exes may provide "feedback" not to encourage someone to be a better person, but instead tear them down. I would not give their opinion much weight. I would value the feedback from the close "counselors" in my life whose opinion I hold in high regard.

Title	Feedback from your Ex
Author	plumgem
Upvotes	8
Comments	28
Date	August 10, 2016 2:03 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/4wzveh/feedback_from_your_ex/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/feedback-from-your-ex.209703 https://theredarchive.com/post/209703

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