Simple Questions | RedPillWives

RPWives · 2016-08-13T05:54:57+00:00

Ask any question that doesn't require its own post. Subreddit rules still apply but the range of acceptable subjects is wider :) Be sure to check out the...

[–]Lin3334 points5 points6 points 9 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

[–]PhantomDream09 10 points11 points12 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

/u/tryanotherjuan is a fantastic member of the community with a highly demanding/successful career. She hasn't been active in quite some time (she reconnected with a dear friend from college, they had an LDR for a short-while before getting engaged. I remember all the conversations the IRC had with her starting from when she was single, to reconnecting with this man and trying to figure out if she should or shouldn't try to pursue the opportunity to connect with him, and her updates over the subsequent months). She wrote from time to time about this very topic, and I will quote/format one thread she submitted below for you to review.

Two years ago and before I swallowed the Red Pill, I left a job in marketing to become an executive assistant for an Oil and Gas company. When I first took the job I was a bit hesitant. I had a terrible attitude and thought, “I’m smart; I have a college degree; I shouldn’t be assisting anyone.” But, it seemed like a good opportunity to learn the business and I would have exposure to executives who could potentially place me in management roles in the future.

I couldn’t be happier with my decision to become an assistant. Ultimately, I would like to stay home and support my family. But for now, I’m single. So I’m taking advantage of my time at work to practice what it means to be a good first mate.

I am writing this because I hope it will help other girls see how they can apply Red Pill principles to their daily life, even if they aren’t in a relationship yet. I have learned a lot by reading this sub over the last several months and I’m still learning. I’m not perfect by any means, but these are the things I’m focusing on at work to cultivate my femininity and grow as a Red Pill Woman.

Here’s what I’m working on:

Look to serve. My job is to add value to my boss’s work day. Sometimes this translates to small, unglamorous tasks like running to the deli for lunch or preparing coffee. Sometimes I’m asked to work on larger, challenging projects like coordinating an office remodel or planning a conference overseas. No matter the task, I always attempt to do my best and do it with a smile. If I can anticipate his needs and find ways to make my boss’s life easier without him having to specifically ask, even better.

Be Pleasant. I interact with a lot of people throughout the day. I always make an effort to pleasant and be polite. I am constantly interrupted by sales calls, colleagues who need something and clients. Sometimes I’m stressed and busy, but I try to smile, listen and help as best I can, with a good attitude. I took it as a huge compliment when my boss told me during my review that he enjoyed working with me because I was always pleasant and eager to help. Executives have high-pressure jobs, so I try to decrease that stress with a calm, pleasant demeanor.

Always Represent my Boss Well and Speak Highly of Him. I have access to my boss’s email and so I often have the inside scoop on things at the office. I keep my mouth shut. People try to weasel information out of me, but I am a vault. Coworkers often feel the need to “vent” about their colleagues. I get frustrated at times too, but I would never vent or say anything negative about my boss to anyone at the company. I respect him and speak highly of him to others. I think it goes back to the thinking that if a man’s wife doesn’t respect him, why should anyone else? Likewise, if an assistant doesn’t respect her boss, why should his direct reports?

NO NAGGING. My boss has a lot on his plate. He will get to something when he can. Sometimes there are only so many hours in a day and he has to set his priorities. HIS priorities, not mine. I do not nag. If I need something signed, we have a system. If he needs to make a decision, I will ask at a good time for him. If he chooses to rearrange his schedule and this is inconvenient to me, I roll with the punches.

Office Mom I am often the one to plan events, cook for office pot lucks, order catering and send flowers if someone has a loss in the family. Sometimes I pick up and clean up around the office. Instead of viewing these as menial tasks that are beneath me and my college degree, I see them as an opportunity to serve. It’s nice knowing that people now come to me when they want to acknowledge the birth of a baby, celebrate a retirement or plan a business dinner.

Be feminine to Get Things Done. I could be a shrew and bully people into getting things done or I can be feminine and get results. An example: I need a heavy piece of furniture moved. I could say, I’m just as strong as any man around here and attempt to move it myself. I could nag until someone takes care of it. Or I could appeal to the two men in their 30s down the hall, saying “You boys are much stronger than I am and I’m wearing high heels, when you have a minute, would you please help me move this desk?” They are eager to help and happy to do it again the next time I ask.

Dress the Part. Wrap dresses, pencils skirts and high heels are my uniform. I try to look polished and put together to make a good impression and gain the respect of my colleagues. I’m often asked to represent my company at charity events and fundraisers. Although I don’t have the means to bid on many of auction items or make large donations, I like to think I keep getting invited because I’m pleasant to be around and dress the part.

At the end of the day, I guess there is a little dread game. I must add value to my boss or lose my job. I’ve also discovered I don’t want to climb the corporate ladder. I really enjoy the supporting role, but I just never felt like that I had option. As a strong student, I was always pushed toward medicine, a law degree or another challenging career field. I was made to feel that I was wasting my potential if I didn’t pursue a challenging career path. Any career path can be challenging. A job is what you make of it. I’m glad to have RPW because I feel like it’s okay if you want to stay home to raise a family and it’s okay to be a first mate.

How can you practice femininity at school or at work?

Word of Caution: I’m a tall, blonde, 27-year-old. Although my boss is a man of the highest integrity, it would be easy for people to make assumptions about how I got the job and how I keep it. I think it’s important to establish clear boundaries from the beginning. Many boundaries my boss and I have established are unspoken, but still important. I don’t ever close the door if we are in the office alone. We almost never work late together, my boss prefers to come in early. I’m pleasant and can crack a joke, but not flirtatious. We don’t travel together. I often text/ email him reminders but we always keep it just about business. Most importantly, I’ve established a good relationship with his wife. I believe people respect me and I hope that respect translates to more respect for him as an executive of our company.

[–]Irisandoleander 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Littleknownfacts2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Ruhrtochter-3 points-2 points-1 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]PhantomDream09 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't understand what you mean.

The post was one I quoted, originally written by a woman that has not been active for quite some time. That said, I can tell you that tryanotherjuan addressed the 'people will talk' angle by specifically stating:

I think it’s important to establish clear boundaries from the beginning. Many boundaries my boss and I have established are unspoken, but still important. I don’t ever close the door if we are in the office alone. We almost never work late together, my boss prefers to come in early. I’m pleasant and can crack a joke, but not flirtatious. We don’t travel together. I often text/ email him reminders but we always keep it just about business. Most importantly, I’ve established a good relationship with his wife. I believe people respect me and I hope that respect translates to more respect for him as an executive of our company.

I'm not sure how your comment really adds to the conversation in a productive way - can you clarify?

[–]rainy_thursday2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (19 children) | Copy Link

[–]PhantomDream09 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (18 children) | Copy Link

What happened?

I think it's very important to actively enforce boundaries as a woman that's unquestionably 'spoken for.' You don't have to initiate or encourage other man, yet you can still fail to guard the boundaries of your relationship. If you don't end an exchange or conversation that creeps into 'grey' zones of acceptability - that's on you. It's hard to provide more feedback without knowing a bit more about what happened in your case specifically.

I can tell you some of the things that I personally do to 'maintain distance' and avoid creating confusion:

I do not hug men, nor do I engage in any kind of 'casual touching' that is generally far more common and viewed as acceptable among social groups today
I do not hang out with men 1 on 1
If a man is singling me out for conversation, I immediately open the conversation back up to the group by referencing someone else specifically and bringing them into the mix
The minute I feel any kind of hesitation or discomfort, I will reference Occam, excuse myself, or end the conversation politely

Bottom line: you don't allow other men to flirt with you, and you shut them down as needed.

[–]Ruhrtochter2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–]PhantomDream09 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

[–]frozen_strawberry 3 points3 points3 points 9 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]PhantomDream09 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

[–]frozen_strawberry 2 points2 points2 points 9 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]QueenBee1263 points4 points5 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]PhantomDream09 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]frozen_strawberry 3 points3 points3 points 9 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]Ruhrtochter0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]rainy_thursday0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–]PhantomDream09 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

[–]rainy_thursday0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

I was telling my husband that I had a tough night at work, and 2 tables made it hard on me. This was one of the tables.

The guy made a lot of little demeaning comments, but the big ones were, "Where is our bottle of wine? Is it going to walk over here and pour itself?" And then later when I found out we didn't have an appetizer they wanted, I asked if there was something else I could get them. The guy said, "A gun." I was like, "A gun???" He's like, "Yeah you don't have one?" I said, "No but I wish I did." He asked, "Why?" And I said (with a smile), "To kill myself because clearly I can't get anything right for you guys!" Everyone laughed, and the guy was nice after that. But, normal nice, not inappropriate nice. The same as the 2 ladies. Please, thank you, etc.

My husband insists that if he wasn't yelling or looking to complain to the manager, then he was playing or flirting with me.

The thing is, my husband may think my SMV is higher than his. I'm a lot younger, from a different culture, and pretty. He sometimes thinks people are flirting with me. I can't change his insecurities, but I want to know how to handle him when he gets these ideas in his head. How can I shake him out of his bad mood or avoid an argument?

[–]PhantomDream09 4 points5 points6 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

I can't change his insecurities, but I want to know how to handle him when he gets these ideas in his head. How can I shake him out of his bad mood or avoid an argument?

If you know that mentioning men is likely to set off an alarm in his head - then don't bring up random men (even to complain about them). Regardless of the context, all he sees is you interacting with a man at work, and in the end laughing with him over a joke you made.

I've never been a waitress, so I'm not sure what the protocol is, but even in the case of dealing with a difficult customer I can't really imagine why the joke you made was appropriate. Between friends or family? Yes, I can understand that kind of humor and see it as enjoyable. I just wouldn't run the risk of irritating or offending a customer even more by making a suicide by gun joke (I like guns, I have a dark sense of humor - it's still not something I would do). You said the table was difficult but it ends with you laughing along with all of them, which is what I'm guessing your guy focused on in the end.

Do you have male friends? Do you go out to clubs or hang out with female friends in 'single' atmospheres (like bars)? When you're out in public with your SO do you stick by his side, or socialize with everyone?

[–]rainy_thursday1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]PhantomDream09 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]rainy_thursday2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]PhantomDream09 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

I think the fact that you spent the time considering the exchange overall for the sake of understanding and improving your bond with your husband speaks highly of your sincerity and motivations.

I had another thought, a lot of men can feel helpless and at a complete loss when they hear a loved one complain about a problem/situation that really doesn't have any kind of solution. By and large, women are driven to vent/complain as a way to 'let out pent up steam' and negative energy. Most men are driven to fix, solve, and improve - the idea of 'just venting for the sake of venting' isn't something that really makes sense to them.

For that reason, you may want to consider 3 other things:

If you need to complain about work, save it for a friend or a relative - another woman that will be right at home with listening and giving you the space to voice your stress without also itching to comment, direct, or 'fix' anything.
If you do need to vent - try to go to your husband with a problem that he can help you solve. If there's some venting thrown in along the way (but the focus is still "I need to figure out how to resolve x") then that may help as well.
Have you heard about the 1 week challenge? It's fairly popular within the community, and anyone can try it at any time (regardless of how new or familiar they are with RP ideas). It's very simple: for 1 week, you say only positive, encouraging, loving things to your man. No griping, complaining, nagging, arguing, correcting, fighting etc. Sometimes we don't realize just how much time we spend moping or dwelling or kicking up dirt until we try to stop cold turkey. Many find it useful to keep a daily diary during this time so you track your successes and fumbles along the way.

It sounds like you are making an effort to be aware of your husband and actively searching for new things to implement - so I thought this might be right up your alley. :0)

[–]Ruhrtochter0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Ruhrtochter1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link

[–]thehighzombieMid-20s, Married, 8 years1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link

[–]Ruhrtochter0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–]PhantomDream09 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

I think how you deliver the comment (and when) is really important. Does your SO have aspergers (I wasn't clear if it's your SO or your son or someone else).

If you were to share several stories of your own mistakes, and instances where things spiraled out of control quickly and unexpectedly through no fault of your own (in a joking and illustrative manner) - then you are commiserating and bonding with your SO over the mishap.

Also, why say the comment at all? I'm sure he was feeling like a failure, and being in the hospital while your son was under his care - to say a comment like that does heavily indicate that you don't trust his abilities. Furthermore, knowing that despite due diligence, and full-effort, stating that failure can/will still happen isn't really helpful. I'm sure he was feeling guilty, beating himself up (you trusted him and now your son is in the hospital). Bottom line: he knew it wasn't his fault, but your comment was a criticism. "I'm a mom, I do this every day, I have to explain to you why this happened because you don't do this regularly...even though going through this situation delivers the lesson all by itself."

Show him you are confident in his abilities, by telling him about some event/activity your son has really been wanting to do and suggesting that they go do the activity together.

[–]Ruhrtochter1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]PhantomDream09 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Ruhrtochter0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]thehighzombieMid-20s, Married, 8 years1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]Ruhrtochter0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]thehighzombieMid-20s, Married, 8 years2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]Ruhrtochter1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

I want to give an update: His parents came over for evening meal. They wanted to talk. The Brother of my SO started to scream at me. I showed him the door. Then I asked my SO´s mother what she has against me. She stared at me bewildered. "I have nothing against you, I merely doubted you would be able to cope with the Aspergers. You did not even blink when your son was diagnosed! You are so different. I belief you are indeed the right person for my Son." I was stunned. Then she asked me why her son was upset. I told her the story, grinning when I told her how I found my So and my Son in the kitchen. She laughed as well. Told her how the nurse at the hospital let us wait for 3 hours. Told her how I became tired and weary. And I told her how much it hurts to have him doubting me. My So watched the whole Time. Then he asked quietly: " You were grinning when you came Home?" I answered Yes. "Then I misread your facial Expressions again." Yes, but I was surpressing that grin. Would not to to grin in front of our rascal." "So you really trust me with our Son?" "Of course, why else would I encourage you to spend time with him when I work?"

Thanks for your support.

[–]Lin3331 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (15 children) | Copy Link

[–]CoochQuarantine 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (14 children) | Copy Link

[–]Lin3331 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (13 children) | Copy Link

[–]PhantomDream09 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

I think it's really important to realize that acts of love, and giving gifts in general should be done without the expectation for a certain reaction. Now, you may be asking yourself "why not? I'm doing something really nice here, I'm showing him I care - it's not wrong to expect a little gratitude."

Well, that mindset right there is the entire problem. Gifts are supposed to be selfless acts, voluntarily pursued and executed not with an end goal (example: an enthusiastic reaction etc) in mind. The minute you think "If I do 'x' he will react in 'y' fashion" you are creating what is known as a covert contract - and they cause a lot of problems (like feeling taken for granted, resentful, that you are owed something for your effort).

It's entirely possible that he does show appreciation, just not in the way you expect/desire. I think you should take some time to look around and take stock of all the things he does do, and really focus on noticing how he invests in the relationship and works to improve your life together as a couple. You may be surprised to discover that he's been communicating his love, loyalty, and devotion all along (quite loudly) but that you weren't really 'seeing' it.

If you want to pick him up some breakfast, a treat, or anything else, do so because you want to make him happy and because you enjoy being thoughtful for thoughtfulness' sake - not because you expect him to react a certain way.

Along those same lines, take note of what things tend to make him excited and express appreciation (could be a back rub, running an errand or handling a task he specifically mentions etc).

[–]Lin3330 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]PhantomDream09 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]Lin3332 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Lin3330 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Trauma_Burn_RNEarly 20s / Married 1.5 yr / Together 30 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]Lin3330 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]PhantomDream09 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Trauma_Burn_RNEarly 20s / Married 1.5 yr / Together 30 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]Lin3331 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]CoochQuarantine 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Ruhrtochter-1 points0 points1 point 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]PhantomDream09 5 points6 points7 points 9 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

Your comment does not help /u/linn333 figure out what to do in her relationship. It's fine to comment that something would or would not work for you specifically - but you should also try to add to the conversation by giving others some actionable advice that they can consider utilizing.

Right now your comment is just an awkward statement that doesn't really allow the exchange to grow or evolve...instead it really just brings things to an abrupt halt. Getting to know users and connecting with community isn't as simple as just stating things about yourself or your relationship - you also need to invest in the person you are talking to, and focus on figuring out how you can help or engage with them specifically.

Hopefully that gives you a few things to consider that will help enhance your overall experience (and sense of fulfillment) with this community. :0)

[–]stevierose345 1 points1 points1 points 9 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

I am having trouble understanding why so many women of this sub disapprove of young women getting an education when 55% of the survey respondents had a bachelor’s degree or more. What is it that makes young women today decide that a college degree is not worth the cost? Is it because you could not find a job after you graduated? Is it because the classes did not seem to add to your quality of life? Is it because you do not plan to work after you are married and the degree is not worth the student loans you have to repay? Was the experience of going to college unpleasant in some way? I really would be interested in some feedback regarding this issue. I already know that RP advocates that a woman’s college degree is not important to most men, however I would like to understand why is no longer important to women when it comes to self improvement. I must admit that I find the idea that women do not need to educated an alarming concept. Please help me see this concept through your eyes.

[–]CoochQuarantine 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Firstly, I think this statement is untrue:

so many women of this sub disapprove of young women getting an education

I think what we disapprove of is women coming here thinking that their education somehow raises their quality as a partner. It does not.

Another aspect of it is that women sometimes go to college for degrees that a. won't pay as much as they think it will when they graduate and will therefore have a large tuition bill at the end, which is something to think about if you want to get married and b. would push back getting married/having children because they feel like they HAVE to have a formal education.

Finally. the train of thought is that well I have a bachelors and therefore cannot date someone who doesn't have that sets the woman up for entitlement thinking. The higher up the education ranking you go the more you are looking for a man who has a higher SMV than you and that would qualify as a man who has more formal education than you. You could very well be passing up GREAT entrepreneurs and just generally all around good guys because you can't date "beneath you".

So again, we don't say that we hate women who get their education, but we highly stress that it is not important for the marriage long game.

[–]stevierose3452 points 9 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

[–]roboticyogi30s, LTR, 6 years0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]stevierose3451 point 9 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link

Title	Simple Questions
Author	RPWives
Upvotes	7
Comments	58
Date	August 13, 2016 5:54 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/4xhv4d/simple_questions/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/simple-questions.209693 https://theredarchive.com/post/209693

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