Caregiving

stripe_throwaway · 2022-09-21T12:43:31+00:00

I don't think moving her in will make it better. It will stress you out worse.

Is she tracking her side effects anywhere? Sometimes with chemo, the side effects are a little unpredictable and there ends up being a trail of meds that follows to chase the side effects down.

Has she been connected with a therapist? Facing your own mortality is a huge mindfuck, for lack of better terms and if there's a time for a therapist, it's this time. This is an attack on her life and her femininity. Everyone handles it a little differently and given her circumstances, she deserves a little room for catastrophizing. Honestly, it would be worrying if she was handling this all like everything is okay. Those are the people the doctors worry most about. It doesn't need to come at significant cost of your free time though.

At the very least, it might be nice for her to get connected with a chemo buddy so she has someone to commiserate with. It will feel less lonely for her, she will be able to figure out her symptoms and with someone who literally understands everything she's going through, and better figure out when it's an actual concern you need to be aware of, and it will give you some extra time back.

I don't know how receptive she'd be to any of these ideas but you do know her best. Wishing the best for you and your family.

As for you, it might be useful to think about people who professionally deal with this all day. A calm but authoritative voice to steer her in the right direction when she loses sight of things could guide her in the right direction mentally.

---Starlight--- · 2022-09-21T16:47:08+00:00

I would try to put her on a schedule. Mom call me at 11,3,6,9 so we can keep track of your symptoms and meds. Maybe if she knows she’s getting the attention from you at those intervals it can help quell some of the fear she’s having and the anxiety she’s exhibiting. I don’t think I would move her in; that would eliminate any boundaries already existing. Set times and dates for when you’ll come over to her house. She can have a fit about it if she wants but right now you have to be the parent and she is the child.

TheBunk_TB · 2022-09-21T13:15:28+00:00

Is she involved in a church, etc?

Taters0290 · 2022-09-21T15:43:45+00:00

There is an online forum on the subject of caregiving. It’s not from a RPW perspective, but there are a lot of experienced voices there willing to share and help. I don’t think I can post it here, so if you’re interested message me. Last year my mom and I spent 2 exhausting weeks helping my otherwise normal elderly aunt who had turned into Genghis Kahn. This forum helped me see how typical our experience was. Caregiving can suck the very life out of you and your family.

wigglytufflove · 2022-09-21T14:03:33+00:00

I would keep houses separate. I know the normal "feminist" reaction would be to set boundaries and not take on unpaid work so your instinct to support your mother and take on emotional labor sounds like the martyr submissive thing.

But the submissive approach is also knowing you can only be submissive to so many people. Your own household comes first. Maybe suggest a cancer support group or something similar. Reach out to other relatives to step in. Buy some pretty headscarves or wigs to make her feel good about herself. Keeping her in a separate house will probably be the best even if it involves driving. Maybe have regularly scheduled appointments she could look forward to rather than sporadic, like "alright we are hanging out on Tuesday." Watch Dancing With the Stars or The Crown or something so you have stuff to talk about and distract her from her symptoms. But becoming a mini therapist is going to drain your battery fast.

AutoModerator · 2022-09-21T12:20:25+00:00

Title: Caregiving

Full text: I am asking this here because I value your opinions, know you all value putting husband and family first, and I know caregiving is a very feminine thing.

My mom started chemo yesterday. This is going to sound very bad on my part so just try and hear me out… My mom tends to revel in the negative. She is always more anxious and then when something bad actually happens, it becomes her identity. In light of this, I have a hard time believing her or I will feel annoyed by her complaints.

With all of that being said…

I’m struggling with how to help her and maintain my home and marriage. My mom called me probably a dozen time yesterday to help her with meds and tell me her symptoms. I understand 100% that this is scary and she probably just wants to talk to someone.

Some of it is like,she’s got to develop some mental fortitude because this is the beginning of six months. And if some gassiness and burping warrants a phone call (and burping in my ear) - it’s going to be a very long 6 months. But I’m not sure how to say that.

I am not sure how to set a boundary because I do worry if there was an emergency I would need to answer the phone.My husband is being incredibly patient and loving with all of this. But as he pointed out, I didn’t make dinner once last week (not maliciously pointing it out either, I was complaining so he was telling me what he sees from his end).

I almost would rather she just moved in here for a few months so I can take care of everyone at once instead of driving to her house to drop things off or make sure she’s eating and what not.

I’m just feeling in over my head and I’m not sure even where to start.

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ForeverSwinging · 2022-09-21T16:42:23+00:00

Finding her groups and friends is definitely a start. But have you talked with your husband about sharing the burden? Maybe come up with a couple possible scenarios where he makes food so many times a week while you go and spend time with your mom? Facing the end of one’s life is stressful and maybe you and your mom need to confront it head on and talk about it bluntly with each other.

I don’t recommend immediately moving her in with you because that is going to take a lot of thought and prayer and discussion with you and your husband, and you have to think about how that could affect your family dynamic.

crazychooks · 2022-09-22T02:55:30+00:00

Hi, sorry to hear you're going through this tough time. These are all valid concerns. When a family member goes through chemo is is really hard for their loved ones in so many ways.

I think over time your mum will adjust. It is the first day and things are scary. To have life saving but very dangerous substances injected into your body is a very scary thing. On my first day of chemo (I've been there done that) I basically had a panic attack because I was so worried about the toxic chemicals. Maybe she's going through something similar.

Also try to understand that she is facing a life and death situation here and this is very, very distressing. Especially at the start. It is a huge huge shock to the system. I had cancer very young so that in itself mentally fucks you up. However, I imagine at any age having to face your own mortality is challenging. It is also very very hard on the family and that's where you come in.

I think you can get your mum to speak with the nurses/doctors about symptoms she needs to watch out for. Get them to write her a list of symptoms which are dangerous. I doubt burping and gassiness will be on the list. She should also be provided with a contact number to call a medical professional if she's worried about symptoms (if she gets any dangerous ones). Rather than calling you strongly encourage her to call a medical professional and cross check against the dangerous symptoms list before doing so. For example, when I was going through chemo I needed an injection to increase my white blood cells and immunity. I was to monitor my temperature. If it went above a certain point I was instructed to go to the emergency. Things like this will help her to feel reassured.

Second, she should have a schedule for taking medications. She should be able to put a timer on her phone for that. Rather than relying on you. This is also handy for making sure she's eating. She can have a timer to remind her rather than relying on appetite. If she has nausea she needs to take her anit-nausea meds before eating. If you want to sit down with her and set up the timers that may be helpful.

Third, she needs to link in with a psychologist or cancer service at least. During my treatment I was part of a charity for young people with cancer. They called me every so often. Depending on the type of cancer there could be an organisation which could provide moral support. She might also benefit from speaking with a psychologist that understands cancer. Her treatment centre may have access to one, or recommendations of a good one. This will reduce the load on you as well if she can link with these services. She's probably very anxious and they may be able to teach her some strategies about how to deal with this. Also, it's not just going to be an issue now (during treatment). The anxiety continues after treatment finishes so she should link in now to deal with it sooner rather than later.

Fourth, she could go to local meet up groups at some point. I'm not sure how aggressive the chemo is so though. I know that alot of people during treatment (especially if it is aggressive treatment and makes them really sick) aren't able to go to groups during treatment. If your mum is not having treatment that makes her very sick she may be able to attend meet ups. These meet ups can help people connect with others in similar situations and it can feel very validating. It doesn't even have to be the same type of cancer, the expirience is all the same. Just be careful though because she could be at increased risk of catching something there. So obviously take precautions. Also, I'd encourage her to attend the meet ups after treatment because when treatment ends that's also very tough and there is alot of anxiety then too.

It's up to you whether you at the end of the day get her to move in with you. I think it's probably best for now to see how she settles into her regimen first. Some people have minimal to moderate symptoms during their chemo and are able to live independently. Hopefully you're mother is in this category so you may not have to resort to that. It is also good for you to have space from the situation so you can look after yourself, your children and your husband during this tough time.

However, just know that some chemo can be very, very rough. I had a very aggressive regimen and no way could I have looked after myself during that time. If this is the case, moving in might benefit your mum but also you as you probably won't be as worried about having to keep an eye on her. Otherwise, she could get caring assistance. See how it goes I think. But don't make any decisions until she's settled into her regimen and knows how it is going to effect her.

Title	Caregiving
Author	anothergoodbook
Upvotes	12
Comments	16
Date	September 21, 2022 12:20 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/xk3dl6/caregiving/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/caregiving.1132238 https://theredarchive.com/post/1132238

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