Giving up control

anothergoodbook · 2021-11-14T20:00:05+00:00

Seriously learn to just keep your mouth shut. Practice doing it in the little things and eventually your trust in him will grow. Walk out of the room if you have to to just not say a thing. It’s really as simple as just knowing what the right thing is to do and then doing you. You know that the wrong thing is nitpicking and such - the right thing then is to not say anything.

If he’s saying something that you want to jump in and fix. Work on just saying nothing or “okay I hear you”. But nothing else. Remind yourself “I am not this man’s mother. He is a competent adult who does not need me to tell him what to do. He got to where he is on his own “.

Once you get to where you can say nothing - then you can start telling him how much you trust him and how thankful you are that he’s such a good provider and father, etc. Without any “but’s” (which is why I suggested just keeping your mouth closed at first.

CountTheBees · 2021-11-14T21:19:43+00:00

I bet you feel very comfortable nitpicking your husband but not comfortable at all nitpicking those women that taught you to do this, because it's about consequences: the consequences from your husband are delayed and mild (but build up over time), whereas the consequences from them are angry and immediate.

So a fun thought experiment for you is: pretend that you're saying those nitpicky things to the controlling women that raised you, instead of your sweet husband. And as soon as you anticipate the backlash that would ensue, apologise to him as if the consequences from him are as bad as the consequences from them. The sooner you catch yourself and apologise to him, the sooner you will stop saying those things entirely.

lust4lyf3 · 2021-11-14T19:50:12+00:00

One of the best things you can do is to let him make more decisions and support them. In my last relationship my ex was very controlling and would not allow me to make any decisions. And if she did, no matter what I did was wrong and she had to come “fix” it, rather than just let me figure it out myself while she supports me. I believe this was one of the biggest killers of our relationship.

There are few things that bother me and many other men as much as being scolded for our jobs/pay. It’s likely your husband is doing everything he can to get that raise, and it’s not helping him to come home after a long day of trying just to be scolded and told he’s not doing enough.

Start small. Let him pick what to watch on TV or where to go to dinner. And whatever he picks, do not criticize him or tell him how you would have done it different. Just give him that control and he will feel much more like a man, and your relationship dynamic will begin to shift for the better.

ajemn · 2021-11-14T21:13:35+00:00

I went through a version of this. I’m a 35 yR old SAHM, married for 16 years to a HVM, and I’m happy. The transition from college and working to staying home and raising kids took some time.

It’s really great that you realize you need to work on this. Not only does trying to control him emasculate him, but it makes it very clear you don’t respect him. You don’t respect him as a good earner and provider, you doubt his ability to perform and succeed in the workplace, and you’re even suggesting he would be so careless as to harm his own child. That is really insulting to him, as a man. He truly needs your respect.

Just a suggestion, but I would get a journal. Write down things you’re concerned about, then work through and write out how he will probably handle it. Example: you’re afraid he plays too rough with your daughter, but you know he has never hurt her (I hope!) and never would. Keep it in the journal and don’t say it.

When you’re talking to him, make a point to compliment him. When you ask how his day was, praise ANY achievement. Ask for his advice on things, so he can see you value his guidance and opinion. If he’s had a hard day, rub his shoulders, kiss his neck, thank him for how hard he works, and tell him you know things will get better because of his strong work ethic and diligence.

I would also apologize. Be honest and tell him that although you wanted to become a SAHM, you didn’t realize how controlling you were and that you would have to adjust to your new role. Say that you’re sorry for nagging him, you really do appreciate how hard he works so you can stay home, and that you TRUST him to be the provider and take care you and the kids. Then make love to him.

Affectionate-Self440 · 2021-11-14T20:44:21+00:00

Realize you will destroy your marriage over time if you continue to do this. Just because your husband does something differently then how you would does not mean he is WRONG. He is a man. You can’t tell a man how to be a man.

When you have an issue, bring it up at an appropriate time in an appropriate manner. “I feel x when you do/did y and I need z.” Bring up one issue at a time then ask for what you want. No ranting or raging.

SunshineSundress · 2021-11-14T22:08:02+00:00

Think about it this way. Your husband has met your needs by providing enough to allow you to be a SAHM, something you’ve wanted your whole life. This takes a lot of sacrifice and effort on his part, and he did it because he loves you and your daughter and wants to take care of your family.

But by emasculating him and trying to control him, you are failing to meet his needs. Because for men, your respect is how he receives your love. Your lack of faith in him, especially when you’ve had no indication that he is incompetent, hurts him as much as it would hurt you if he decided to stop taking care of your family and to stop giving you love and affection.

Instead of showing your gratitude and appreciation for the sacrifices he’s already made for you, you’re continuously slapping him in the face by doubting him. The thing is, the more you do this, the less he will want to keep making these sacrifices for you, and the less he will be able to make these sacrifices for you. You will sabotage him by constantly doubting and controlling him. The more you do this, the more he will stop wanting to show his love, affection, and care for you, and you’ll end up in The Crazy Cycle: where you and your husband end up in a positive feedback loop of failing to love each other properly.

Please, read that post summarizing Respect and Love in For Women Only. It really breaks down why respect is so important for our men. Learn how to STFU, and use that as a tool whenever you feel anxious and naggy. Remember that being a good Confidante and Cheerleader are essential roles we have as partners and wives.

Jumpy_Alfalfa_5112 · 2021-11-15T02:40:39+00:00

That fact that you know yourself and now want to change is a big positive. Now your next step needs to be to read some books and work on it and if you still need more help, counseling.

Fraggle-of-the-rock · 2021-11-15T17:11:20+00:00

I’m not a SAHM but I can very much relate to this. This was a hard one for me to learn! Everytime I want to interject my opinion on what my husband should do, I have to stop myself. I remind myself that I chose him because he IS capable of doing/saying xyz and that I don’t need to take that role from him. Having said that, it also took some learning on my husbands part that he needs to consider his family in his decisions. We worked through that and now I feel we are in a new chapter.

Learn to catch yourself. I found that I was already thinking on what I could say to him or tell him to say, before he was even finished telling me the situation. I had to practice being in the moment and not thinking ahead and trying to solve something I wasn’t asked to. I still slip into old ways and then will apologize for interjecting and remind him that I get ahead of myself sometimes but that I do have total faith in his decisions.

Big_Confusion6500 · 2021-11-19T12:20:07+00:00

Shut up, for real shut up. It's better to shut up and have peace than to open your mouth and cause problems. Even a fool is counted wise when he shuts up.

Title	Giving up control
Author	AccomplishedJicama66
Upvotes	22
Comments	21
Date	November 14, 2021 7:40 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/qtxl7t/giving_up_control/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/giving-up-control.1084093 https://theredarchive.com/post/1084093

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