Is it expected?

anothergoodbook · 2022-12-14T12:23:14+00:00

My first suggestion is always to read The Empowered Wife.

Instead of complaining about his non effort - show gratitude for what he does do.

In regards to housework - as Laura Doyle says - you don’t have to pick up everything. As women we tend to go “well I guess if you aren’t doing it I have to” then get angry because we are doing it.

Also let’s NOT ignore the fact that the only way you are getting to quit your job and focus on your hustle is because your man is working. Has he complained about you not contributing financially?

Peaupiche · 2022-12-14T11:47:09+00:00

One thing I've learnt is that there are two types of men - those who respond to good behavior by reciprocating (the more you give the more you get), and those who respond by accepting and then making this dynamic your new baseline for normal (the more you give the more they take).

You need to understand which type of man you have, and act accordingly. It sounds like your husband is the second type, which means you'll always need to deliberately set and enforce your boundaries. Otherwise, the goalposts keep moving until you're resentful. It's unfortunate, but just accept that this is your dynamic and what you will need to do to keep things healthy.

sunglasses90 · 2022-12-14T16:19:22+00:00

When are you moving out of his parents house? I don’t care how nice parents are, your family living in the same house as parents sets a weird dynamic. Roles are confusing. There’s less time for privacy and intimacy and even the smallest things kinda blow up because your whole foundation of life is on unstable/borrowed ground.

He may feel weird doing chores in his mother and fathers house. It may feel emasculating to him on top of having to live with parents in the first place.

And It’s very important for a woman to have her own home if possible. It’s a place for you to nurture your family and your life the way that you want. Men don’t always understand how important that is. It’s also easier to take on a more traditional female role, and not fight over chores, if your man is playing his part as the provider. Chores in your own house, on your own terms feel a lot different than chores in someone else’s house.

As for your actual question: you and your man get to set expectations. Set them early and often. You both get to decide who is in charge of what. I think it’s typical that whoever is working less does more housework. That seems the most fair, but really it’s up to you both to agree to what the roles are going to be.

In my life/household: I’m responsible for day to day cleaning although my fiancé helps do dishes after dinner and will tidy up the kitchen with me. I’m 100% responsible for grocery shopping and cooking dinner and laundry. He helps out with this if I’m sick or pick up groceries if he’s already out at the Home Depot or whatever but that’s rare. He’s in charge of all outdoor and indoor maintenance and he pays all the bills. Our house is biggish and older so there’s a lot of maintenance and it’s HARD work so I don’t mind doing the “chore tasks”. I’m not changing the oil in the car or crawling under the house to fix a leaky pipe. I’ll fold the laundry and cook a homemade meal!! It’s the least I could do really.

Is your husband fulfilling his masculine role? If he isn’t and you have to switch from masculine to feminine it’s really difficult to maintain good balance.

youllknowwhenitstime · 2022-12-14T21:33:54+00:00

Everyone I know who has started a genuinely successful business wasn't putting in 40 hours a week - much closer to 80 hours a week. Or more. 6-day workweeks minimum. Developers and other tech industry companies included. When you quit your job, did you discuss this with your husband? Was it clear this was likely to be an increase in working hours? (It sounds like there wasn't a realistic plan in place, like hiring housework or a PA for you.)

Or was it pitched to him as a soft buildup, where you can freelance as many or as few hours a week as you want, and eventually you would turn it into a company?

If it was the latter, then he probably considers the new things around the house you find yourself doing a higher priority for you than, say, 2 more hours of projects a day, or 2 extra hours of spinning without a plan. He may not even realize this was out of line with your expectations, because he might have thought this was whole point of choosing work where you could do fewer hours "if needed". Conversely, he could see it as the back-up plan to make you quitting your job "worth it" even if the business isn't moving forward swiftly.

I'm with the other posters that with such a high-stress change as parents moving in it's impossible to know which piece of the puzzle changed your husband's other behavior. His joking response sounds like a gentle way of pointing out the absurdity of telling him he "is not putting any effort in" or "doesn't do anything" for you. That's one clue in your post that a mindset change is probably the first step for you before deciding how to proceed. The other clue is in your phrasing of "I do a lot of his work". First, that means you're scorekeeping and are racking up points for yourself in your head that he's supposed to keep up with to some degree. Secondly, you still see it as his work/your work instead of "here is the most effective thing I can do to advance the true priorities in this family, such as an enjoyable and healthy home".

Once you shift your mindset, you have a place to start. He absolutely is putting effort in. (Do you know how many guys there are who GENUINELY don't put effort in? They sit on the couch and smoke weed or play video games, or 'start a business' that's just them playing around on their computer for six hours a week.) He absolutely does things for you. There isn't "his work" and "your work" - there's just work, and effective ways to spend your time.

Given all that, what are your wise next steps?

Going back to being an employee, and freelancing on the side until you're really ready?

Discussing regrouping the business idea and getting serious, with a plan and the hours you'll have to put into it? He would have to be on board for that because you will be burning money for a while for whatever you have to outsource, whether that's business related or home related. And any business launch attempts needs a failure plan - How long do you try? When do you know to throw in the towel?

Re-evaluating the emotional stress of having his parents in the house? It's tough to separate that kind of living situation once it has occurred, but it'll only get harder later on if it's untenable.

As for the things you liked that he used to do, get very specific. Don't whine. Definitely don't generalize ("You never...") Make a request as detailed as you truly want. "Can we do a no-phones date next week?" "I loved going to that particular restaurant last year. Could you set up reservations for us again in January?" And actually ask specifically multiple times if his initial reaction is inconclusive. Without changing your initial good attitude. Men want happy wives. Whatever threw off his mojo will disappear when he sees his happy wife enjoying his effort.

And for the future, if he flakes or something comes up, regardless of whether he suggests cooking or not - "Oh, that's disappointing. I was really looking forward to it. Could you order in? We can still eat together, just us!" Without a specific request, he has no clue what is preferable.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2022-12-15T01:21:40+00:00

I told him one day that its feels bad that he is not putting any effort or doesn't do anything for me

Guys typically need something more specific than this. More like "Babe? I really appreciate how hard you work to take care of us, but I really need help with [X, Y, Z]." The more specific you are, the better your results will likely be.

breemakin · 2022-12-14T09:54:07+00:00

For context: what is your hustle?

Then we can give you more advice x

LadySandcastle · 2022-12-14T16:24:43+00:00

It sounds like you need to sit down with him and talk about expectations. A lot of people consider it reasonable for the person not bringing in income to handle the house chores and cooking, but if that's leaving no time for you to work on your projects you'll have to negotiate that.

Him giving you attention is also a different issue. Maybe your love languages don't like up (yours could be words of affirmation but his could be touch). I'd tell him straight up what I wanted like 'id love it if we could spend some time out of the house just the two of us' and let him work it out in his schedule.

AutoModerator · 2022-12-14T07:37:38+00:00

Title: Is it expected?

Full text: Hey, so I have adopted quite a few ideas from RedPill in my marriage. I treat my husband well, I do a lot of his work so he can concentrate on his high paying job, I forsee his needs and prepare things accordingly. We are now living with his mom and dad, even though they are very self-reliant, there is less privacy and less 'quite' in our home now.

I quit my job last month to concentrate on my hustle more. Its not going too well and mostly because I'm not able to create a proper plan. However, now that I do have some extra time, the guy has just stopped contributing to housework 100%. He does work hard at his job, but now all the load is falling on me. I feel so sad that now I'm not 'earning monthly salary' so I'm a housekeeper.

Also, I told him one day that its feels bad that he is not putting any effort or doesn't do anything for me, then we was like, 'I did had s*x with you twice' or 'I hugged you for 30 mins in morining'. I know he is joking, but now I'm not sure that whether he thinks that hugging me or having s*x with me is a favor that he is doing.

Like, I'm always very appreciative of him for doing small things. But now it feels that he thinks that these small things are enough. And a 30 min cuddling session or s*x is equal to taking care of all his needs and living with his family.

He is a good good guy. But I feel that red-pilling things have made him think that even doing small things are enough (as I appreciate it so much). Its not enough for me, but he just dosen't seems to understand it. I have told the same to him as well, but still, things just seems to go down.

What should I do now? Is this is how things will be?

Thanks in advance for your advice.

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thiswonderlandlife · 2022-12-15T00:16:48+00:00

I’m building income streams for our family, and am a proud homemaker first and foremost. My income streams revolve around our life, and don’t take a lot of time and effort (1-2 days a week I spend time focusing on work and a couple hours each day) I am working part time for my fiancé (1-2 days a week) to maximize his earning potential.

I tried doing a work from home job and that was just stressful for both of us for a year. Our home runs better (and I personally believe all homes) when someone is full time catering for home and family. I have always wanted to be a homemaker. It brings me joy to care for my home and my fiancé.

Title	Is it expected?
Author	secret_4ever13
Upvotes	12
Comments	23
Date	December 14, 2022 7:37 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/zlkud6/is_it_expected/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/is-it-expected.1143934 https://theredarchive.com/post/1143934

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