Last shot at making it work with bf [27]

KittenLoves_ · 2018-09-07T12:09:47+00:00

What kinds of things are you bringing up, generally? If they are actually major issues that need to be resolved, and he's unwilling to resolve them, that's clearly a big problem. If, however, they're just minor things that don't demand discussion, then here are some posts that should help you out:

STFU, Bring your problem, not your solution, Making requests, Respect, Ending arguments, Dealing with jealousy.

Finally, take a look at the sidebar in general, and see if there are any other posts there that can help with your situation.

raeonmon · 2018-09-07T12:08:46+00:00

Based on his reaction, I'm,wondering how you bring up issues. Are you using I statements? Are you non-accusatory. Are you stating a desire or a feeling instead of a critism? Are you bringing them up at the wrong time (when he's stressed or right after he gets out of work, before he's eaten, etc?)

What are examples of these issues?

Regardless, withholding affection would be a dealbreaker for me...but that's my love language, and if you alter your behavior you may be able to remedy the situation.

fosho_away · 2018-09-07T13:19:46+00:00

Um... what issues? Major or minor issues? If your man is intelligent and masculine what else are you needing? I’m not understanding what you need here. Look, I had to learn early in my marriage to just be quiet and think it through, even if you need a full day. If you don’t the relationship will end and you’ll see yourself carrying same issues to the next relationship.

cynicalhousewife · 2018-09-09T15:33:59+00:00

Porn addiction is a pretty major issue, particularly to the point where he is avoiding intimacy with you. That's not 'minor' in any sense of the word. Your relationship is in serious trouble.

The fact that you are glossing over this and saying that this is not an issue shows me that perhaps you are actually ignoring your own needs and gaslighting yourself. This is not healthy and leaves you open to abuse from people and prone to passive aggressive behaviour.

You need to sit him down and ask him straight what it is that is bothering him, and he needs to be completely honest and open with you. You have to keep yourself composed throughout so that he feels able to talk with you. You need to hear him out, even if what he says really hurts you and makes you scared or uncomfortable. You then have to decide whether you are willing to try and work through these issues with him or call it a day with him. Don't agree to do anything that you feel crosses your personal boundaries and don't make promises that you cannot commit to, otherwise the cycle will just repeat itself.

If he's not willing to have this conversation, even if you try your best to be calm and direct with him and to hear him out, then that's the end of that. You cannot work things through with someone who is not willing to communicate openly and honestly with you.

I think you really have to learn to pay attention to your own needs. You need to look after yourself and understand exactly what it is that you want and are willing to put up with before you can have anything that closely resembles a healthy relationship with someone else.

MakeAmericaRichAgain · 2018-09-07T12:00:54+00:00

I'll leave a full tear-down of the situation to someone else, but I do want to ask you one question:

If your Captain is super intelligent and works harder towards his goals than anyone you know, then why do you feel the need to "bring up issues"?

Stop finding fault and start finding respect. He's a great guy. Let him be great.

snacksarelife · 2018-09-07T13:44:15+00:00

Your question misses the whole point. Of course a sane woman brings up stuff that bothers her badly. It sounds like you're bringing up total BS in whiny or confrontational ways, and basically creating a situation for your boyfriend.

Now, my boyfriend doesn't like to be on the receiving end of criticism and doesn't like it when I make a big deal out of nothing.

No one does. Stop this NOW.

I know that I should just shut up to him and let him live his life, but for some reason I sometimes can't.

It's not enough to know better, you have to STFU.

If I were in your position, I'd read The Surrendered Wife and Fascinating Womanhood RIGHT NOW, and apply them to your life.

Here's a cheatsheet for whether or not you should criticize or bring stuff up that bothers you:

Ask yourself, am I in physical or emotional danger? Is this issue causing me so much pain I can't function?

If the answer is no, keep your mouth shut. If the answer is no, it's nagging. If the answer is no, it's an attempt at controlling your BF (whether you believe me or not).

If you are in physical or emotional danger, express your concerns. Otherwise leave him the hell alone.

I wish you luck. Unlearning this kind of controlling behavior is hard, but possible :)

LateralThinker13 · 2018-09-07T14:43:40+00:00

Read Fascinating Womanhood. It addresses this. In fact, it's written from the POV of a woman who is separated from her husband but slowly learns how to fix her marriage.

And this problem sounds like it's ALL on you.

I know that I should just shut up to him and let him live his life, but for some reason I sometimes can't.

That's the money quote right there. This is why YOU are driving him away. Fix yourself, or he'll be gone, sooner or later.

LookingForMySelf · 2018-09-08T18:33:46+00:00

It seems like some communication techniques will improve the communications. Try nonviolent communication or real-time relationships.

In any case, here are few tips that will quickly lower the tension:

if you don't like something it's your issue. So if you there is something you don't like it's your issue. Remove blame from other people, remove them from under the fire. "You left the coffee stain on the couch again, you are driving me crazy" should become "when I see the coffee stains on the couch I am going crazy." Remove all the blame from your speech.
Let him take responsibility or not take it as he wishes. If he is as super masculine, as you are saying this will happen naturally.
Stop projecting your feelings. Remove all the subjective emotional coloring from your speech and express your feelings instead: things aren't disgusting - you feel disgusted, things aren't annoying - you feel annoyed.

Tell us how he reacts.

HB3234 · 2018-09-08T23:01:29+00:00

The Surrendered Wife was written for a woman almost entirely in your shoes... read it ASAP!

Title	Last shot at making it work with bf [27]
Author	snacksarelife
Upvotes	7
Comments	45
Date	September 7, 2018 7:48 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/9ds290/last_shot_at_making_it_work_with_bf_27/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/last-shot-at-making-it-work-with-bf-27.67595 https://theredarchive.com/post/67595

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