Restraint

nnnmmmh · 2026-07-07T10:55:32+00:00

“It takes twice as long to build bridges you burn”

Is what you have to say worth the effort it will take to repair?

Sea_Bookkeeper_1533 · 2026-07-07T09:19:26+00:00

Just breathe before u open your mouth. Practise being less reactive in general. Are you speaking as a reaction or have you thought about your response?

High value people in general are slow to speak and very careful with their choice of words. Dont react, simply act thoughtfully.

Noressa · 2026-07-07T15:34:27+00:00

I straight up tell my husband that I appreciate his concerns, but at the moment I'm feeling defensive and I won't say anything that would help the conversation. I ask him to give me 5/10/20/30/etc, minutes to think so that I can think about what he's asking and not just feel like I'm reacting to it.

InevitableKiwi5776 · 2026-07-07T19:31:50+00:00

I just want to point out that not everyone is like that and not all relationships have fights, bickering or blow ups. Disagreements don’t have to lead to arguments.

For advice of course I have to recommend the Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle. She has a whole thing about not taking the bait that will lead to an argument.

Regular meditation is super helpful for reactivity and not getting carried away by your emotions.

There was a post recently about emotional flooding during arguments that you might find helpful. I believe it linked to an article from the Gottman Institute. I’ll try to add a link.

CountTheBees · 2026-07-07T12:25:14+00:00

Can we have an example of the dynamic between you and your husband during an argument?

Jenneapolis · 2026-07-07T17:18:35+00:00

I leave the room, I go outside if I can or busy myself with some task. It's self discipline at its core, just like any other kind. You have to build a habit or place a bad habit with a healthy one.

Thistlewhistler · 2026-07-08T21:47:25+00:00

My husband is particularly non-reactive and over the years I’ve learned to speak more thoughtfully because of the way he rephrases my impulsive or, occasionally impassioned, words into something more measured. He considers what I mean, and reflects that back, taking the emotional temperature down.

He values honesty and communication, and will generally overlook my impulsivity or poor phrasing and would rather I just say what’s on my mind if I’m upset. But over the years I’ve found that I’ve become a much calmer communicator because of him.

The down side of him being low-reactive is that I didn’t perceive the problems that can occur in female-male communication until I read books like Fascinating Womanhood and The Queen’s Code. Understanding when not to talk, is an incredibly powerful skill. It takes practice, but more and more I find myself recognising times when I should just listen, or when my opinion isn’t going to be helpful.

I’m also recognising how much of a role my own state of regulation plays in this. I was hot, thirsty and hangry yesterday as we were working on a diy project, and I was making suggestions when if I’d just STFU and let him think for a minute, we’d both have done better. So, if you want a tip, mine would be to drink more water, lol. But seriously, recognising your own dysregulation and dealing with that first before you open your mouth is half the battle.

Trick-Consequence-18 · 2026-07-09T00:05:03+00:00

I started trying to use duct tape in the course of a normal day, to be a better listener. When I think of something I want to say, I let 5 breaths go by before I say it out loud. Often I find that I don’t wanna say the thing after all or even better he brings up his own topic. And so there’s more peace and I get to hear more from him.

I found that this has had a secondary effect— I’m so used to pausing now before talking that when he says something that hurts my feelings or I’m feeling grouchy. I’ve already been practicing that pause or duct tape in good times.

Wife_and_Mama · 2026-07-09T21:00:26+00:00

I try to remind myself that saying whatever it is I'm thinking won't have a positive impact or help the situation. Then I put on noise canceling headphones.

SunRose42 · 2026-07-07T15:33:44+00:00

I get mouthy when I get impulsive, which happens when I’m heated. So I just take a break from the conversation when I start feeling too upset, or even when I start feeling the urge to cut my partner off mid-sentence.

I always frame it in terms of my own needs: “I think I need a pause to calm down and regulate myself.” We’ve talked in calm moments about “pause” rules: the first time someone calls a pause, we take 30min apart to calm down. If we’re not calm after 30 min, we take another hour apart. And so on, with the time apart doubling each time we need more time until we’re both calm.

This has helped a lot. There’s a certain level of emotional activation where I’m just too impulsive and irrational (maybe like a 7/10) to behave well, so I just ask for a pause when I start approaching that point.

Charming_Paint_172 · 2026-07-08T01:43:56+00:00

It’s not a skill you can develop overnight, you need to constantly remind yourself and find ways to calm yourself down mentally before you speak.

Zohso · 2026-07-09T00:53:38+00:00

Husband here. My wife struggled with defensiveness and accountability. It took me forever to get her to see it. I’m guessing she seen it early on but would admit it. Lol.

But once she finally admitted to having a problem, she said, “But what can I do in that moment? I just want to fight.” I told her that when she realizes she feels it coming on in the moment to just appeal to what I’m saying. Assume that my argument is right. Does does two things. 1) It de-escalates my emotions. 2) It gives her time to process. Then, if she actually agrees that I’m right in that moment, no need to come back, it’s already done. But if she feels like there’s more to discuss, she’ll be coming from a place of calm and will have had an opportunity to work out how she actually falls about a subject.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2026-07-08T15:39:24+00:00

Something for everyone to consider on both sides is “Does the other person have a point and I just don’t like their tone?” that happens more often than you would think.

If either you or your husband find yourself attacking the other person’s character rather than their ideas, that’s a clue that their ideas might actually be right, which is why you don’t wanna talk about it.

AutoModerator · 2026-07-07T08:13:53+00:00

Title: Restraint

Author TradesforChurros

Full text: How do you practice verbal restraint in tense conversations? We all say things we regret in the heat of the moment. My husband says the single worst thing about me is my mouth and i agree. I sat undermining things and defend myself in every argument, skating accountability. I would like to have a little mantra or something i can say in my head that will stop me from making comments i later regret.

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Title	Restraint
Author	TradesforChurros
Upvotes	11
Comments	27
Date	July 7, 2026 8:13 AM UTC (3 weeks ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1upop3t/restraint/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/restraint.1584444 https://theredarchive.com/post/1584444

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