Struggling to pull myself together

thatbadlarry · 2018-10-24T14:16:58+00:00

.What was your relationship like before your attitude change? What was he like? I think it’s extremely shitty of your husband to call you a fake bitch for trying to improve but it does make me wonder how things were between you before. If you genuinely were a bitch you’re going to have some repairing to do. If you weren’t - his comments are extra out of line. Weaning-baby hormones are definitely a thing and can really colour your perspective. It’s amazing how something can seem like such a huge deal and days later I realize it’s honestly nothing. Good thing to keep in mind when your feelings feel too big. Hugs

norahlady · 2018-10-24T16:04:35+00:00

I can't comment on who's "in the wrong" here since there's only so much context you can get across in a reddit post, but blaming probably isn't productive anyway (unless your husband is legitimately abusive).

Try to improve yourself for YOU, not your husband or anyone else. Take care of yourself because it makes you feel good and happy and productive and worthwhile. Don't expect cookies from anyone for improving yourself -- in fact, expect a lot of resistance as you push against the inertia of mediocrity. Try to emotionally separate yourself from getting your husband's validation and just be your best self. Be the kind of person, wife, mother, you would admire and look up to. And do it purely because you take pride in who you are.

Give 100%. Don't withhold, don't expect anything in return (not even approval or appreciation), don't "wait and see if you'll get your share first". This isn't a limited-resource starvation environment -- it's a relationship with plenty of love to go around. Give, give, give, even when you're not getting your "fair share".

If you make a mistake, don't break down and cry and say things like "I'm sorry I'm the worst wife/mom ever." Don't feel sorry for yourself. All that does is put it on others to make you feel better. Just apologize calmly, reflect on what happened, take care of yourself, and do better next time.

I would give it about six months of just buckling down and truly trying to shift your mindset. If you get to the end of that six months and you can honestly say you tried your hardest, and you still don't see any changes in the way your husband is treating you, then maybe there are deeper issues that individual self-improvement can't address.

I know it's much easier said than done. And it's impossible to be 100% perfect -- especially with all the changes you're going through (I am not a mother yet so I may not fully understand). Relationships, life, parenting -- these things are all HARD. But don't excuse yourself, and don't feel sorry for yourself. No one else is going to pick up the slack here except you.

Personally, on bad days, I can sometimes feel my inner bitch bubbling up when, for example, I'm doing the dishes for the fourteenth day in a row while my fiance watches TV. My inner narrative can turn cranky -- "I do all this sh*t day in and day out, is he even appreciating it?! Maybe I should just stop doing it and teach him a little lesson", etc. It's terrible! I would never want my fiance to start thinking like that to himself while he's out working hard to advance his career, or giving up "fun" purchases to save for our future. In those times I try really hard to think about everything he does for me and for our future family and try to remind myself to always give 100%. Ultimately, this mindset always ends up making my relationship better and making me happier as an individual.

cherryhearts · 2018-10-24T14:52:55+00:00

Woah hold on now. He straight up called you a fake bitch? That's intense, sounds like he has no respect for you. I, like u/thatbadlarry am also curious as to how your relationship was before this?

Because I made the same mistake, (telling him before reading not to) and he literally just said "okay, you do you!" and understands I'm trying to improve myself even if I flub up.

I've basically returned to not caring

You're supposed to do this for YOURSELF as much as it is for him. So if you're giving up on yourself, you're not going to be able to improve yourself for him either. You have to do this in a self-motivating way - not - "I'm doing this just for him", because in that case - he's right and it's fake. This has to be for BOTH of you.

You've got a daughter right? You need to start using her as your motivation. She needs a good role model, a mother to shape her entire future as a woman. Use her to motivate you, not him, not yourself, but your daughter. Then it'll hopefully become easier to improve for yourself and your husband.

Start slow, start with holding your tongue and focusing on your health. Better health = improved mental health. They go hand in hand. You said it yourself that doing all of that was really helpful.

You've got to understand you're also in a transitional period. He doesn't know this new woman you're working on becoming, so you have to be consistent and persistent. He'll see change over time through how it affects him and how it affects your household. There will be mistakes, it will seem uncomfortable and hard at times, but nothing worth having is easy. You're working on changing long-standing habits and behaviours and that takes time. He won't notice the changes in the same way you do, he's not going to notice the effort you're putting into yourself at first. So stop trying to get your validation from his approval on HOW you do it, he'll provide that validation over time when you see his temperment change via how yours has changed.

Go ahead and tell him you're done using the book (but don't) and you're going to try going about things in another manner. Then at least he won't think it's fake.

CalvinRichland · 2018-10-24T14:21:51+00:00

Do you think maybe he felt like this was finally his chance to let his frustration out at you?

If so just keep working on being the best you and his guard will come down once he believes it is a permanent change.

Likesunshinedust · 2018-10-24T14:27:56+00:00

I’m new to RPW, so I don’t have much as far as advice goes. I can tell you though, that trying to better yourself and be a better partner doesn’t make you a fake bitch. Hugs.

LawyerInTheMaking · 2018-10-24T18:08:44+00:00

Looking from both sides I can understand why your feelings were hurt and why he called what your'e doing to be fake. I can see that you are trying to make a conscious effort to change for the better. From his perspective, it comes off as fake because in a small amount of time you are making a hard deviation from what he is conditioned to expect from you (which he has had to deal with for a longer period of time). It does feel like fake sincerity because usually when people make a sudden change towards you in a positive manner, it is a manipulation attempt to get something. If all he has experienced is the blue pull you the entire time you've known him, why should he believe in the Redpill you? see what I mean.

-----

My first advice can be summarized in two words: Show consistency.

Let me explain:

see these two statements of yours

> I went for a few weeks every day getting myself fixed up, working out, reading, and acting right.

and

> I've basically returned to not caring to put on make up or get dressed nice, or even eat more than a couple snacke a day, and I'm not really being controlling or demanding but I've been noticeably very "blah" and depressive, forcing smiles that are obviously not sincere.

You started on the right path but being confronted by your husband, you backtracked to your old path. To me that's analogous to you telling naysayer that you're going to lose weight every day working out and eating right, only to give up after a few weeks later. This validates the naysayers position because you couldn't hold yourself to the standard YOU set.

For naysayers, or in this case your husband, if you want to change their opinion then show them and not tell them.

Once your husband sees that you are pushing through, despite his reservations, despite your feelings of discouragement from him, and are keeping true to your commitment, he cant deny that you are being genuine now can he? Men respect hard work, and he will respect yours.

-----

My second advice and its on motivation:

Ask yourself,

Is short term hardship worth long term prosperity?

Do I want to be at my best so I can serve my husband and children?

Do I want to earn the respect/admiration/affection of the man who I love, and in return inspire him to be the best husband and father he can be?

If the answer is yes, you have everything to gain. If the answer is no, you gain nothing.

You have shown through the first few weeks implementing Redpill that you could change. So go do it.

Zegiknie · 2018-10-30T11:22:50+00:00

Aside from all the analysis, how to pull yourself out. First things first, he apologized. Did you? The fact that you manage to be not controlling or demanding despite feeling so down is a great start! As a SAHM, you absolutely have reasons to get out of the house. Take your kid to the petting zoo and the market and the pool and the park or beach or forest. Their view from the stroller is great! Just strolling around the street, maybe have a chat with a neighbor, that might do you a world of good. Kids are a great excuse to get out and to meet people. And be ready for unexpected guests (looks-wise and homemaking-wise). Invite other SAHMs and visit with them. Visit family (old lonely ones especially, baby smiles make them shine). Nature walks will boost your mood (and there is no bad weather, just bad clothing). Also, proper nutrition will help you stabilize blood sugar which helps your mood. How are your vitamin D levels? Do you eat enough fish? Baby steps with the wonderful-wifery. A drink brought here, a mini footrub there, and a shared smile in exhaustion when baby vomits all over the place can help you bond again. Don't try to be either Stepford wife or nothing at all. They say you can't pour from an empty cup, so just give what you do have and be patient with yourself. Exhaustion makes everything harder. Finally, he knows now. It blew up in your face, but the good news is: while you're not arguing, he is quite likely to be totally on board with your plans for self-improvement. Don't ask for feedback while you're feeling too sensitive to handle it. But do get his input and support. He can guide you in this, if you dare to be vulnerable and humble.

2018-10-24T20:51:28+00:00

Your beliefs have to affect you on a subconscious level when it comes to socializing. Just because something makes sense, doesn't mean you should do it in a relationship. You need to feel it, and feel it very deeply considering this is someone you intend to spend the rest of your life with. Otherwise, you'll come off as fake, bitchy, etc. I see this all the time with people in general, though, so you're certainly not alone.

pearlsandstilettos · 2018-10-24T14:57:38+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Struggling to pull myself together
Author	Taliahood
Upvotes	27
Comments	38
Date	October 24, 2018 1:27 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/9qzn5z/struggling_to_pull_myself_together/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/struggling-to-pull-myself-together.67754 https://theredarchive.com/post/67754

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