Transparency:

MrsStrom · 2014-04-08T12:00:57+00:00

Privacy is for pooping and surprises.

Bakerofpie · 2014-04-08T02:03:22+00:00

Is it more important to show transparency after living together or should you start proving the ability to be transparent in the beginning stages of the relationship as well

I think it's extremely important to start this process before moving in together. Cohabitation is a huge commitment, and it could be asking for some real trouble if you have different ideas of privacy that weren't discussed beforehand.

What are your SO's views on transparency? Do you have the same views?

We are open to sharing anything with the other, but usually choose not to ask because we trust each other and feel no reason. We both have the passwords to all of each other's accounts, save for work emails and reddit accounts, but we know each other's usernames. If he asked me for my password I would give it to him, but he doesn't feel he needs it and same with me. I live by the philosophy that if I can't tell my husband about it I shouldn't be doing it (unless I'm surprising him, obviously). I trust that he does the same, particularly because of the amount of information he shares with me. I guess that answers the next question as well.

Is full transparency within your relationship a make it or break it deal for you? For your SO?

We've actually never really had an explicit discussion about this issue. When the new iOS came out for my phone and it made me create a pass code the first thing I did was give it to him because I had never had a code on my phone before and I didn't want him to think I had sinister motives for doing so. I have a tendency to be too much of an open book and have no concept of a question being too personal for me to answer. Since he's my best friend I just naturally sort of tell him everything, and he's the same. That said, we don't know the details of how the other spends their day unless it comes up for some reason. I don't usually inform him of where I'm going to lunch or what chores I have on my agenda for the day or anything like that. If I were outright secretive about it I am quite sure it would be a deal breaker, and the same for him. But while there are things we don't share with each other, it's because we trust each other and/or just don't find it that important or interesting and not because we're trying to hide something. If he asks me where I'm at or what I'm doing at any given time I always answer and don't think anything of it. I kind of like it when he checks up on me. He won't admit it normally, but he got drunk once and said that he enjoys when I check up on him, too. Haha.

I'm curious about your answers to the same questions. Were you both clear about your transparency expectations before moving in together?

TempestTcup · 2014-04-08T02:20:38+00:00

I have to share that my husband once woke me up at 4am to ask me his email password.

Pink_acetaminophen · 2014-04-08T02:41:12+00:00

I feel like being transparent about values and beliefs should start as soon as possible because those those things may be deal breakers. I think full transparency including technology should be established if people are thinking about moving in together. In recent times it seems like every relationship that gets ruined is ruined by things done with technology or at least caught by technology so if that openness is already there nobody had to go through the struggle of moving together in the first place. I guess that sounds kind of negative and everybody deserves privacy but that's just the way i feel. On the bright side it's really cute when your partner helps you remember your password or the other way around.

[deleted] · 2014-04-08T03:02:47+00:00

C and I are highly transparent. We know each other's phone passcodes and passwords to practically everything (except Reddit), not that they're hard to guess for each other, given we both know that the other's passwords tend to be similar across all mediums. We actually probably know more information than we should regarding tech and finances.

For everything else, we primarily have a "don't ask, don't tell," rule where if we don't ask about something, we don't expect to know about it. I still learn new things about him because I don't ask things often. We rarely bring up past issues, but I know I'm the one who's more free with discussing the past. With him, I need to ask about anything I need to know, which is understandable.

We also know each others' opinions on most things; sometimes I ask for his opinion on something I've read and we discuss. Debate has cooled off since my pre-RPW days with him; I find that to be competitive, which I feel probably annoys him.

Occasionally we tell each other the day's plans. I'll usually let him know what's up if I'll be away from my phone or laptop for a while, like when I go eat, work out, or have class. Otherwise, we don't really give large details on our days unless one of us asks about the other's day.

I have no idea whether or not he purposefully hides things from me, but I trust that he wouldn't do that to me. I know I don't hide anything from him; I'd tried that kind of thing in the past, and it almost cost me the relationship. I wouldn't risk that again and wouldn't do it even if I knew it wouldn't cost me the relationship.

Transparency is important in our relationship overall.

Vaganusaurus · 2014-04-08T05:07:40+00:00

You should only be transparent for as much as it takes to assure the person you aren't a threat to their interests.

sugarcrush · 2014-04-08T04:11:49+00:00

I would say we are like 9/10 transparency. I don't actively say "this is my password" but I would and have given it freely in the past, same with my husband. We leave all our devices lying around and I don't think any of them are password protected.

At the same time though we respect each other's privacy, I don't pick up his phone and go through it and to my knowledge he hasn't done that with mine (not that I would mind anyways).

It's crazy the difference between this relationship where I have complete trust and my last one where there was almost none. I regularly felt the need to snoop on my ex bf because he cheated on me and I stayed with him anyways (shame on me, everyone else here take note and don't do the same!) He was always going through my phone, email, and Facebook too even though I never gave him any reason not to trust me. It was a major DLV on his part that he was so insecure with no reasoning behind it. But now, it's like because my husband never does it, I would be more okay with it if he ever did... If that makes any sense :P I know he trusts me and if he did look through my phone or whatever it would be for something he genuinely needs.

TempestTcup · 2014-04-08T03:57:48+00:00

My husband likes having me within his bubble of protection and where I work is pretty much within another protective bubble. He likes to know I'm safe so I let him know where I am when I'm not with him; I don't want him to worry.

Nonmedicated · 2014-04-08T13:27:01+00:00

I think it's important to begin opening up with transparency before marriage, because you are still vetting the relationship. This gives an opportunity to see what each person does with this new responsibility, which I think can be very telling as to what kind of person they are.

My husband is pro transparency, we share an email address for all family related stuff in addition to the work email addresses. We both have the passcodes for everything, PINs, I could check his voicemail if I wanted to.

I'm very open and I am happy to be able to share everything. I think it's great that we are on the same page with this, because it is a deal breaker for both of us. Neither of us wants to be in a relationship where you couldn't trust your partner with your true self. I think sharing within the relationship shows there is a lot of trust in each other. It reinforces the joining of two lives into one team.

eatplaycrush · 2014-04-08T13:30:43+00:00

I definitely believe you should work on transparency in the early stages of relationships. I knew that in the beginning, but my SO also knew I had some major issues we needed to work on and get through so I could be mentally stronger. It's not easy being transparent when you aren't brought up with it, but he knew I wanted to change my life for the better so I'm really lucky he stuck by me and now I not only respect myself, but respect him to such a deep level in me for showing me this value.

He made it pretty clear what his expectations were. I had none for him in the beginning as I was just trying to prove myself at that point. Now I'd say our expectations are similar, except I do text or call him anytime I leave or arrive places, even if it's just to get gas. I don't expect him or need him to do the same, but I do this because he should know where I am at all times to be able to protect me when he can't be near me. We also share most of our passwords, but don't really care to look. His emails are used for business purposes, but sometimes he gets oddly good coupons so I do to in there for that :P.

If I wasn't able to develop this length of transparency I wouldn't be with him. Actually knowing and understanding what respect is truly helped transform me with that. Now, there isn't room for error on either party so it is a deal breaker if either side breaches security. I can not be a liability for him with how involved he is with his businesses so I definitely go a little bit farther with transparency, but I don't expect or want the same from him.

Thanks for all the answers. It's nice to view we all have the same general thought, but may execute it differently. :)

[deleted] · 2014-04-09T17:11:12+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Bakerofpie · 2014-04-08T01:13:49+00:00

we both have 100% tech transparency and have a "no secret stashes" rule. our phones and laptops are open to each other at all times. i gave him a GPS to track me with but he doesnt use it, i dont care if he does, whatever makes him happy

he tells me every single fleeting thought that crosses his mind with no regard to the fact that hes talking to his wife, lol

a_killa_kitty · 2014-04-08T03:33:13+00:00

Early on we shared each others passwords. We had gps trackers.i think it cause more issues than gave comfort. I closed old email accounts and we got new phone numbers. I really wish we hadn't but I agreed because of "transparency" I really felt completely controlled. Just being honest. He got upset with me over something unrelated I dont remember and changed all his passwords and so did I. I did find out by chance that he put seek droid on my phone and can read everything. I have nothing to hide but I felt he was being a tyrant. He knows my feelings on this. It went from team to ultimate control.

PhantomDream09 · 2014-04-08T01:05:33+00:00

By "transparency" do you simply mean being upfront and honest about various topics, values, and personal beliefs?

skunchers · 2014-04-08T05:31:13+00:00

Thank you

Title	Transparency:
Author	eatplaycrush
Upvotes	11
Comments	43
Date	April 8, 2014 1:00 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/22h5xb/transparency/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/transparency.84388 https://theredarchive.com/post/84388

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