Trying to cope with cheating. Thoughts or advice?

Notsuru · 2017-12-02T19:58:24+00:00

The fact that he didn't bring it up, himself, could be guilt or shame, it doesn't have to be something malicious. I think you know him better than any commenter might. Be strong, trust your feelings on this and commit to your relationship or end it. I believe you will do what's best for yourself.

foriesg · 2017-12-02T20:24:34+00:00

Why did she wait 6 years to tell you?

Candicore · 2017-12-02T21:04:12+00:00

This was not an isolated incident. You said he had REPEATED sexual encounters with 2 women and 1 ONS. That is not a mistake. This was planned and INTENTIONAL.

I'm not one of those people who think "once a cheater, always a cheater". I will forgive cheating if: 1.) my husband only did it once 2.) told me immediately afterwards.

To me, this shows remorse and the fact he tells me afterwards shows honesty and willingness to face the consequences of me knowing.

Your husband, as far as I know, did it multiple times and doesn't have the decency to tell you about it until you knew 4 YEARS later. He had you thinking he was faithful to you.

Think about it this way, imagine a scenario you cheat on him. A little bit of role-reversal. Maybe it was at work with a coworker where things got heated quickly. It felt good in the moment, but afterwards, how would you feel? Would you be able to face your husband? Would you be able to bear seeing your husband smile knowing what you did to him? Would the guilt eat away at you?

Would you be able to cheat again, with the same coworker then another, and again with a ONS? I would guess your answer is no. You would never want to impose that kind of pain to your husband, the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with, in sickness and health. But he did it to you.

We are human. We make mistakes. We can learn from them. I know because I did something to my SO that one can consider to be cheating. I did it because I was angry at him for something major he did. Was this justified? No. And I realized it after the fact. Afterwards, I felt like the smelliest piece of shit and I told him. I couldn't not tell him, the guilt was too much. I felt sick even though I was the one who caused him pain. I didn't want to lie to him. He cried, I cried. But he appreciated the fact that I was honest to him and now we're still together. I was the one who made a mistake and I was the one who fixed it. Suggesting therapy, being open and honest, letting him look through my phone for him to feel reassured, and being transparent all helped our relationship become stable and based on trust, despite me cheating on him.

I firmly believe in becoming a better person after making a mistake. But your husband didn't make a mistake. This was intentional because of the fact there were other occurrences of cheating. He wasn't sorry because of the fact he didn't tell you himself. Your husband is weak. He gave into his lust and wasn't strong enough to tell you.

I doubt he's telling you the whole truth, but then again I don't know you personally. I'm basing this off of the fact that he kept it a secret for such a long time. I would believe he's telling you the whole truth if he told you immediately but he didn't.

What my advice is to you, as if you're my sister or close friend, is to leave him. He's a good actor and deserves an Oscar for keeping up the act and fooling you for 4 years. You're still young and I know you're willing to give all your love and faith to. You deserve someone who'll do the same.

Ask yourself if you can be happy with him, knowing that he cheated on you several times, kept it a secret for multiple years, and fooled you into thinking he was faithful. Be honest with yourself first and foremost. If you think you can be happy with him in the future (because it will take a LONG time for the pain of cheating to fade) then keep on reading!

My advice if you insist on staying with him: - Go to therapy! A marriage counselor who specializes in infidelity. It will help you both to see why he did what he did and help you with your feelings.

join a support group! There's a website and subreddit called Surviving Infidelity where people are experiencing the same thing as you.
don't rely purely on yourself to "get over it". Ask your husband to help you. He's the one who made you feel this way in the first place, he can help with damage control.
it's OKAY to look through his phone. Not because you're a "crazy" wife, insecure, or controlling, but because HE has to be transparent to you. You're justified to do this because he has cheated on you. I let my SO look through my phone. I even offer it to him because I know I have nothing to hide. Plus, it reassures him. Transparency and honesty is key.

I hope this helps you ^{_^} and you can PM me if you need someone to talk to. I'm here for you! I wish you both happiness. :)

TryMilkWithIce · 2017-12-02T18:34:38+00:00

I know you want to forgive him because he seems remorseful, but think about it from this perspective: he was only remorseful once he got caught.

If the other woman hasn’t sent you evidence, would you have ever found out? Quite possibly no.

This means that he wasn’t honest enough to tell you himself. He didn’t feel guilty enough to tell you himself. It didn’t eat away at him enough for him to come forward, apologize, and be remorseful.

Instead, he was only sorry once you knew.

For a lot of people, there is a crucial difference between their husband making a mistake, and coming to their wives on their own. This shows that they feel guilt over their mistake, they are sorry, they want them to know and work through this together if it’s possible.

Versus someone who never comes forward on their own.

TankMarvin · 2017-12-02T18:15:44+00:00

I'm seriously concerned with the fact he didn't tell you. His lack of honesty would make me question what else he is hiding.

You keeping your vagina to yourself isn't an excuse to cheat. He's just a douche.

Edit- spelling

Ketogainsmongoose · 2017-12-04T02:28:35+00:00

Life is about struggle. How we cope with it determines our quality of life.

Sometimes, that struggle entails pain. When faced with this price, you need to ask yourself if they payoff is worth the pain.

The man who made a great partner to you is the same man who cheated. There's no "otherside." It's a package deal.

Now the question is, do you torture yourself until you get over it and stay with him? Or do you cast him out and divorce him with a retirement package?

Ultimately, either outcome will have its on trials, but only one will keep you with the man you've grown with. After all, you're a cut above the rest if he literally put his financial life in your hands.

Whatever you decide, make sure it's what you want, not what others tell you to do. Make the choice you can live with. These people on this forum won't be there to live your life after the dust settles.

Rivkariver · 2017-12-02T23:33:17+00:00

Sometimes I just feel sad on RPW because I feel like people think this sub is "why the woman is always the problem." We can clean up our side, but if someone is treating us badly to this extent you can't fix it and undo by your own self improvement. I personally don't think anyone deserves to put up with a cheater, it's a major dealbreaker for me. This philosophy isn't about how relationship issues are all our fault. It's about keeping marriages and LTRs that are solidly founded. It's about not messing it up. You can't make a wet kitten into a lion, I think.

vintagegirlgame · 2017-12-03T01:54:39+00:00

Look up Esther Perel, she's an expert on infidelity and helping couples deal with cheating and affairs in a productive way. She has amazing TED talks and other videos/interviews, plus books "Mating in Captivity" and "The State of Affairs."

TryMilkWithIce · 2017-12-02T20:33:20+00:00

Edit - posted my response in the wrong place lol 😅

BlaueBlumeFreiheit · 2017-12-03T11:45:14+00:00

What does he bring to the table? Lies, dishonesty and draining your shared resources? Or does he feel true remorse, stops trickle truth, any contact and becomes completely accountable and transparent to you?

tempintheeastbay · 2017-12-03T01:37:45+00:00

I don't think you're being a doormat by following your instincts. I think the questions other commenters raise are very important, namely:

-How remorseful did he feel after he cheated?

-Has he ever cheated again?

-Would he ever have confessed if you didn't find out?

-Were these mistakes an aberration or part of some larger pattern of disrespect and deceit?

But only YOU can answer then, and you must reach a place of strong internal certainty. If you need your husband to offer special additional transparency in order to reach that place, I think that's acceptable.

girlpearl · Sat Dec 2 20:21:02 2017 UTC

Okay so I've been in this exact situation with my SO. We've been together five years, he cheated a few times in the first. Pros: All of the things you say about him seem to outweigh his mistakes imo when reading. My SO hadn't cheated since his mistakes because he feels that our love is truly at the point where he just wouldn't do it again. It could be similar to how yours feels about it. I certainly feel like I've made the right decision. Cons: I feel as if most of the pain of him cheating on me is now mostly faded and I really only feel the pain in certain triggering situations such as an ex hitting him up or something like that. The fact that you still feel the pain very strongly after 7 years with him being good is concerning. Everyone goes through it differently however if you're still effected by it daily when he is currently and has been good since these incidents, then that's a big indication you gotta either work on it more in dept or reconsider your future relationship with him.

These are my pros and cons based on my experience in comparison. TO ME he sounds lovely, lots of guys cheat early on in future serious relationships, it's pretty normal. the not normal thing is though if you still feel all the pain from it and you're just trying to get by. You deserve you not feel that dragging you down. You gotta do whatever it takes to not feel that. You either gotta realize that he loves you in a different stronger way than he did the first year of your relationship or you gotta let yourself take the steps into either talking with him about how you feel or considering leaving him and being with someone who hasn't cheated on you.

I wish you and your feelings the best. It's really hard but it's really worth it no matter what you choose. I wish your life happy.

SerafinaLorelei · 2017-12-06T22:52:20+00:00

Hello OP.

It does sound like he had a past that he feels guilty and ashamed of, which could be why he is this omnibenevolent being in your life, always good, compassionate and understanding. Perhaps he has seen too much hurt, distrust and bad stuff that can happen with toxic people and toxic relationships probably, and that maybe why he is drawn to your sense of naivety ("we always want what we can't have"). So maybe the reason why he didn't tell you was because he wanted to be the ideal husband to an ideal wife that you are in his life.

If you pursue this and wake up Mr Hyde, you might never see Dr Jekyll ever again. That being said, maybe he also needs to learn how to trust more, and probably doesn't believe you could love the ugly side to him (there are many men with similar mentalities). So that's probably why he couldn't tell you about the past.

Title	Trying to cope with cheating. Thoughts or advice?
Author	gemmv
Upvotes	18
Comments	38
Date	December 2, 2017 3:39 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/7h39m5/trying_to_cope_with_cheating_thoughts_or_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/trying-to-cope-with-cheating-thoughts-or-advice.73872 https://theredarchive.com/post/73872

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