Ultimatums

ragnarockette · 2019-01-07T15:09:31+00:00

I let my husband know after around 3 months of dating that I felt 2 years of dating was an appropriate period of vetting, and if neither of us felt confident getting married after that time then it was probably best to move on.

Super long relationships have become so normal these days, I think a lot of men forget that the point of relationships is vetting for marriage. My husband had been with his previous ex for 8 years!!! So I didn’t want to be pushy but I wanted to make sure he knew that I was not up for that.

I think timing is everything with this. Bringing it up in the middle of a fight or after only 2 dates: crazy girl ultimatum. Bringing it up after you’re exclusive and comfortable in the context of a relationship about future goals and dreams: being communicative and direct.

RubyWooToo · 2019-01-07T14:35:56+00:00

There are 2 problems with using an ultimatum to get married: (1) Even if you get married you will always have the worry in the back of your mind that you only got it through a threat/manipulation and not because he was madly in love and thrilled to make you his wife. (2) You have to be 100% willing to follow through on it if you don't get what you want because nothing you say will ever be taken seriously again. There's no room for flexibility.

It's great that it worked for these women that you know, but it's more likely because the guys in question weren't confident in their options so their best bet was to concede and get married. This would absolutely not be the case for very high-value men.

With regards to marriage, I think its best to make it very clear once the relationship gets serious what your expectations are for engagement and marriage and have discussions with your partner about what your timeline for those things should be. I also think it's perfectly reasonable to have an "internal deadline" for how long you're willing to wait before you cut your losses.

You also need to create incentives for a man to marry you rather than date you indefinitely. The most obvious, of course, is to add such considerable value to his life that he wants to lock you down sooner rather than later. Other things would be holding off on cohabitating until marriage or at least engagement.

Personally, I think ultimatums should be reserved for extremely dire situations, such as "If you don't go to rehab for drinking problem by the end of the month, I'm filing for divorce" or "If I find out you cheated on me again, we're done."

Edit;add- In regards to guys suddenly having epiphanies once you get fed up and leave, yeah, that happened a lot with me as well... but I never looked back, because whenever I reached the point when I would break up with someone, it was because I was truly done. If it took me leaving to wake them up, then they never really cared about me in the first place; they were just upset about losing an object that they thought they owned. From what I observed, guys who did win their girlfriends back always went back to their old ways once they got comfortable again.

hiraethdawn · 2019-01-07T14:09:12+00:00

I think having clear boundaries and knowing when to walk is a good thing for women, as long as we actually follow through and don't just use ultimatums to manipulate. You hear of too many women who waste their fertile years on men who have no intention of marrying them or starting a family, we're under no obligation to do that.

The best thing to do I guess would be to properly vet potential partners and get a sense of a timeline/expectations early on to avoid this situation entirely, but I'm sure we all know that's not exactly foolproof.

Vellore992 · 2019-01-07T23:27:24+00:00

If it took walking away from him in order to get a proposal, he wouldn't be the guy for me. Marriage is very important to me, and if he needs to be coerced into it then we're simply incompatible.

I made my desire for marriage clear early on, and brought it up again when my now-husband wanted to combine finances. I simply said that I'd love to do that one day, but not until we're married. We were engaged a few months after that.

There's a difference between an ultimatum, and making sure your values and life plans match up.

[deleted] · 2019-01-07T14:27:44+00:00

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with ultimatum when a boundary has been severely crossed. However, you must be willing to follow through. If you don’t, that’s just pointless and it shows you have no power.

Once again, vetting is crucial.

throwawaybpdnpd · 2019-01-07T15:55:28+00:00

An ultimatum can also be called “psychological abuse”

Many men with good frame won’t let that pass, for a lot of them it will be a red flag

That is why you vet PRIOR to being partners

sunflowergirls85 · 2019-01-08T13:25:23+00:00

Because of the religion my husband and I both share and were raised in, we were taught to save sex for marriage. I think that had a part in us getting engaged after 8 months of dating. I wouldn’t say it is smart to get engaged so quickly, but I got lucky that I found such a good man. We’ve been married almost 13 years now. I think it’s good to find someone who believes the way you do and has the same goals in mind, so you don’t have to set any “ultimatums”.

Zegiknie · 2019-01-10T06:45:33+00:00

The Dutch say "graag of niet". It means "gladly, or not at all".

If people take you for granted without threats or drama, they are not the people for you.

If you love a man so much you want to spend the rest of your life with him, it seems insane that you would leave him for not marrying you. I believe in marriage, but doing this just shows the man is the means to an end IMO. Don't marry a man unless he is the end. You can do all the same things you can do in a marriage without the license. It just takes a bit more time arranging all the parental rights and finances and such.

LateralThinker13 · 2019-01-07T18:44:10+00:00

I prefer to think of it as a deadline, not an ultimatum. An ultimatum is a threat of negative consequences if the other person doesn't do what you want. Threats are bad.

A deadline, however, isn't a threat. "Propose by my 25th birthday or I walk" isn't an ultimatum, it's your terms for continuing the relationship. You have needs - marriage. He's not meeting them. Either he steps up or steps off.

And then you have to accept the closure that comes with it - either you're married, or the guy who won't commit is in the rear-view mirror. It's hard but it's healthy.

nlb248 · 2019-01-17T01:35:06+00:00

Do NOT and I repeat do NOT do an ultimatum. If you don't have the balls to propose yourself don't force it out of him if he doesn't feel comfortable to. It'll just probably overcomplicate it and makes problems down the road. Marriage is supposed to be a beautiful, reciprocating agreement. Don't ruin its meaning by having him commit before he is ready or willing. If you want to propose, go ahead, but forcing a proposal with complete disregard to his feelings would be a disservice to the relationship you are attempting to advance. Frankly this is plain emotional manipulation, and no man or woman deserves this.

[deleted] · 2019-01-07T17:34:19+00:00

I don't like the idea of having to give an ultimatum to get married, It feels too forced. If you walked away once you should never go back

Title	Ultimatums
Author	sheikha4teddies
Upvotes	13
Comments	21
Date	January 7, 2019 1:31 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/adhoqf/ultimatums/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/ultimatums.75492 https://theredarchive.com/post/75492

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