Unappreciated

ivysaurah · 2023-05-08T11:20:36+00:00

Ah I remember you from your last post about marriage and how he didn’t read your mind about proposing months early to you. You didn’t seem very open to criticism/being shown the faults in your thinking then and I am unsure as to whether this group aligns with your values. It’s fine if you don’t agree with the values of this group, but I am not sure you’ll find tons of sympathy over crying yourself to sleep over a forgotten birthday rather than communicating here.

That being said, we need more info. Did you tell him that you wanted to celebrate your birthday today? Did you remind him that your birthday was coming on the same weekend as his graduation celebration? It sounds like a very hectic weekend/monumental for him and you both. Does he have a history of forgetting your birthday and have you ever communicated that it bothers you? If you told him these things and he still forgot, I would calmly communicate that to him, not cry myself to sleep and say nothing. That’s childish and behavior like that is going to push your partner further away from you. It’s hard to respect behavior like that, plain and simple. If you cry everything an unspecified expectation isn’t met, you’re going to destroy your relationship with resentment. Given your last post here that seems to be an issue you’re unwilling to fix.

Personally as a homemaker I always remind my husband of my birthday/anniversaries. He works and has many pots on his stove so to speak that all take his mind outside of the home. He tries but he’s only human. My mind is always on our family and home and that’s a privilegie for me, therefore I see it as my job to remind him of things like family birthdays, other appointments, etc frequently. He manages us outside of the home, I manage us within the family. I even have to remind him of his own mothers birthday. Just feel like there’s information missing here, but that’s my take on what was provided. Regardless, talk things out. Don’t cry yourself to sleep before even speaking to the man calmly and then taking your issues outside of the relationship.

youllknowwhenitstime · 2023-05-08T09:53:34+00:00

I'm sorry, I'm having difficulty understanding this post. It sounds like you and he were casually planning on a brunch but hadn't set it in stone, his more-set plans took up several hours, and your family ended up throwing you a great little party.

You didn't need to cry yourself to sleep over this. You just needed to say "Today was awesome, but it was so busy with friends. Can we set aside time just the two of us for a birthday date?" It sounds like stress, maybe the culmination of everything you two have been working on lately, got to you and got vented as a bit of a pity party. He's not going to read your mind about what day is your make-up birthday celebration("I figured that we would celebrate that on Sunday instead"), or what the unspoken deal in your head was for him if the casually-spoken-of brunch didn't happen, which apparently involved pre-planning and flowers.

If you generally avoid specifying your desires, you will rarely have them met, and over time resentment will build.

DelicateDevelopment · 2023-05-08T12:09:16+00:00

The question is never "am I justified in my feels". Of course you are. Something is missing for you and it shows in the title. You feel unappreciated. The question is however not whether you now have the right to feel anger and sadness.

It is normal that you feel disappointed.

However, what do you want to do about it? How do you want to communicate to your partner what you need so that you feel appreciated?

You cannot undo these two days. But you can tell him that it made you feel invisible and you can ask him to show you explicitly that he is aware and appreciative of your support.

When people most of the time function really well in a team, then the team is based exactly on the fact of things are for granted (=reliable!) and then sometimes it is forgotten exactly because the two of you belong together. So he thanks only those that are less close to him than you. So maybe - just a guess, I don't know! - you adapted so well that he is barely noticing you because you are doing a really good job.

If so then it really is even more important to tell him that you love to support him but that you need him to show you that he notices because it makes you feel invisible while in fact you want him to see that you shine and use effort just for him.

So now with respect to his support for your PhD, what do you need that makes you feel supported? The way people feel supported differs from person to person Don't assume that anybody can guess how things work for you. Try to understand yourself and your needs and then don't be too proud to open up to your partner. Tell him!

AutoModerator · 2023-05-08T08:39:28+00:00

Title: Unappreciated

Full text: SO got his final Papers last week! He is over the moon, the marks are awesome and his Master-Thesis might even get published! He invited both families to celebrate on Saturday and I made sure we had a true celebratory meal. I woke up at 5am to make sure everything was running so he could finally sleep in. I had my Birthday that day - but I figured that we would celebrate that on Sunday instead.

SO had prepared a speech - thanking his parents, his prof‘s his siblings and my Parents. He told all about how awesome they were, how they all went above and beyond supporting him.

I readied the kitchen with my mother helping (more for morale then help as she does not know my kitchen well)

On Sunday SO woke up at 7am in, went about his morning as usual and met friends. We had talked about a brunch/cake + Tea-Time, but he came home at 4pm to our parents and my friends celebrating already. Topic of the das was my plans for promotion and how I would recalibrate working on it vs. earning money. I received from everyone, my parents, my SO‘s parents, my friends. I am so full of gratitude. My best friend spoke, how she hoped I would receive just as much support during getting my PhD. then I showed others in the past. I cried myself to sleep that night. No mention of me supporting him, no gift from him, no cake, flowers, nothing.

Am I justified in my anger and sadness?

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Title	Unappreciated
Author	Such_Beginning_1629
Upvotes	3
Comments	9
Date	May 8, 2023 8:39 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/13biruu/unappreciated/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/unappreciated.1218607 https://theredarchive.com/post/1218607

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