Back story: Swallowed the red pill over a year ago. Dropped thirty, put ten back on in muscle, and continue to improve, daily. With the help of the MRP sub and jack10's ability to peel back the layers of bullshit, I ultimately decided to get a divorce from my wife who has BPD with narcissistic traits (diagnosed by a therapist, mind you, after jack10 helped me open my eyes). That being said, I'm currently working my way through things with the help of a therapist. Today I came to a realization of what frame is to me, and I'd like to share it. It helped me tremendously, and hopefully I can contribute back to a sub that has done so much for the improvement of my life. I have read every post about frame, and felt like I understood it, but today it just seemed to have clicked. Hopefully I can word it in a way that will help someone else click. Read on:

Today we were discussing the fact that I'm struggling with a decision that I made with regards to the divorce, and how I'm upset about it. I'm upset because I know that what I'm doing is going to upset her. She's going to be hurt, angry, and pissed off (she always was, anyways). However, after some work with my therapist, something clicked in my head, and I suddenly stopped having all feelings that I was having about the situation. He asked me why I suddenly just stopped caring. My own reply caught me off guard.

I told him that I was no longer seeing my decisions through her point of view. I was now seeing them through mine. In other words, I was no longer seeing how it was affecting her, I only saw how it was affecting me. I was in my frame for the first time in years.

The reason she had such a grip on me was because, as a narcissist, she would never understand what or why I was doing things. She never bothered to care. She only saw how things affected her. This eventually led to me living my life in her frame. Everything I ever did, I had the thought in the back of my mind: "how is she going to react to this?" I spent my entire marriage trying to get her to see things my way; why I was doing them and the reasons behind my actions. She had me by the balls because of my NEED TO BE UNDERSTOOD. This was me living in her frame for a long time.

Suddenly it became clear to me: that's why she had a grip on me. I spent so much time trying to get her to see things my way, and she simply never did. I got caught in a loop and today it all became clear: I was seeing everything in terms how it affected HER, and not ME. I was trying to have things make sense to her, but today I finally realized that shit only NEEDS TO MAKE SENSE TO ME, AND I TRUST MYSELF AND MY JUDGEMENT AND I DON'T NEED HER, OR ANYONE'S, APPROVAL OR UNDERSTANDING.

This, to me is the essence of frame. To have your life make sense to you and you only. To not worry about how your decisions or thoughts affect other people, but rather how they affect yourself. I used to spend hours trying to get someone to see things my way, and it has been all wasted time. This doesn't mean I can't be empathetic, or even caring. It just means that if someone isn't interested in understanding a situation from my point of view, I'm not obligated to give a fuck about their point of view, nor am I obligated to get them to see mine. Frame, to me, is my ability to go through life and make decisions that affect me and are understood by me. Period. Frame is not trying to seek approval from others in my decisions. Frame is not trying to get people to understand the 'why' of things. Frame isn't getting caught up in their emotions, conditions, or reality. I'm the only one that matters to me. If I'm defending my thoughts, feelings, or actions, I'm in someone else's frame.

Whenever we would fight, it was always about how she was feeling about what happened and me trying to sit there and pathetically explain my reasoning, holding on to that bullshit thought that "Maybe if she just understood why I did that, she would understand and not be pissed at me." I would pathetically try to talk her out of frame and into mine. But I was wasting my time explaining myself. She never cared to understand, and I kept being a total pussy in her frame. The reality is that I do things for my own reasons, and if she doesn't want to understand why, she can continue to be pissed - it made sense to me, and I'm no longer going to waste any more sand in my hourglass trying to get her to understand why. Or anyone else, for that matter. I'm living in my own frame. This is also the core of owning your shit - your successes and failures are yours to own when you do things in your frame because they are not affected by others. You are the only one responsible and you can't blame anyone for your shit, nor would you want to.

Today I found my frame, and I couldn't be happier. The concept has been eye opening, to say the least. It's like I finally woke up and realized that if someone wants to be a part of my life for the right reasons, they will work towards understanding me and my actions. If not, then fuck off. I'm going to continue doing what I do, with approval or not, because I am the only one who has my best interests in mind, and I'm going to continue to seek them out - the successes and failures I experience are mine to own, and fucking own them I will.

Edit: wording.