Being challenging and having boundaries

One night I was having trouble sleeping, so instead of tossing and turning in my bed I decided to go for a walk in my neighborhood. At that time, I lived in a trendy part of Brooklyn with lots of bars and nightclubs, so the streets were full of people out to party. As I walked around the neighborhood, I ran into a girl friend of mine who was out with some of her hot girl friends.

I chatted with the girls for a few minutes, and my friend invited me to come to a bar and hang out with them. I politely declined, saying I had to work the next day. My friend said she understood, but another girl in the group that I had never met before, a girl I will call K, suddenly locked eyes with me and told me I should I stop being a bitch and come party. “No thanks,” I said again, trying to be friendly, “I have to work tomorrow. I don’t want to stay up all night.”

K was tall, beautiful, brunette, and had big, fake tits, and it was immediately clear she was not used to men saying “no” to her. K’s friendly invitation quickly became crazy, and she spent the next 10 minutes asking, begging, and finally threatening me to come party. She asked nicely, and when that did not work, she became a bitch, and then when that did not work, she became nice again. I felt like I was watching a robot glitch because it had encountered a situation it was not programmed to handle.

It was a bizarre scene: 3 girls in the street dressed like hookers, one dude looking homeless in pajamas and a Metallica t-shirt, and one of the hot hookers begging the homeless-looking guy, whom she had just met, to come party with her. Even K’s friends seemed confused as to why she wanted me to come out so much. I finally said, “maybe another night,” and told K I would get her number from my friend.

Why did K want me to come out and party so much? Maybe she thought I was the most drop-dead gorgeous guy she had ever seen, but I doubt it. More likely, in that moment K was intrigued because I was saying “no” and would not budge, which meant I was challenging and had boundaries, which is attractive to any woman, but extra attractive to hot women. Most guys immediately turn to mush around hot women and do whatever the woman tells them to do, so when a man acts challenging, he is a rare, intriguing and different creature.

You might say “That’s not being challenging. That’s just saying no.” True, but the core of being challenging IS saying “no.” Being challenging is not being a dickhead, playing games, or acting difficult, and then caving and doing whatever the woman wanted you to do anyway. You need to stand on your “no” because if a woman knows she can eventually get you to say yes with enough badgering, in her subconscious mind you are still constantly available, easy to get, essentially subservient, and a pushover. To her, a guy who eventually bends the knee is just as weak as a nice guy, except that you are not even being nice.

Furthermore, I was not saying “no” to forever, but just for that night because I had to work the next day. It was nice of her to invite me, but if she REALLY wanted to make an effort to hang out with me she could have made it happen on a different night where I did not have to work, like a Friday or Saturday. In other words, we hang out on my terms, not hers. And indeed, I did end up calling her later to hang out, and she agreed to come meet me on a night where I could stay out.

You may also think “Won’t saying no and walking away just cause you to lose your shot with K?” Maybe. And that is the hardest thing about being challenging and having boundaries – you need to be able to genuinely walk away – not pretend to walk away – and genuinely risk losing the girl. A lot of men pretend to have a backbone and walk away but when the chips are down, they run back to the girl, destroying the illusion they were trying to create that they were challenging or had boundaries. If a woman wants you, you need to have faith that she will make an effort to win your validation. And if she does not, well, continuing to hang around and not be challenging or have boundaries will not help.

My story with K may sound like a small and meaningless encounter, but it nicely encapsulates how quickly being challenging resonates with women. In that moment, K knew nothing about me other than the fact that I was a decent-looking guy, I had a sick Metallica shirt (from their 1988 “Damaged Justice” tour, I might add), I was friends with a hot girl (her friend), and I was prioritizing my career over hanging out with girls. But even though we only talked for a few minutes, it was enough to make her interested.

From that short conversation, K could quickly assume that I was able to say “no” to her and hot friends, which meant I must not be desperate and needy when it came to women, which meant I must have access to other hot girls, which meant that those other girls must find something about me attractive, which means I must be an impressive and cool guy. K also knew that it would probably be a bad idea for me to stay out late on a work night, so by saying “no” she felt I could stand my ground and protect my career and interests in the face of pressure and temptation, which meant that I would be more likely to be successful in my life adventures than most guys who probably would have caved in that moment. To a hot girl’s mind, if you can say no to her, you can say no to anything.

That is a lot to assume from a five minute conversation, and those assumptions could have been wrong, but women evolved to subconsciously make quick judgments about men or even assume their entire life story because, in our evolutionary past, women needed to quickly decide whether to align themselves with a particular man or not. Womens’ subconscious brains have an incredible ability to quickly fill in the blanks about men based on small things he does, and this faculty works in overdrive when they know nothing else about him. Saying “no” to K did not necessarily mean there was anything impressive about me, but K’s subconscious mind could not help but feel that there was. On the flipside, if I had said yes, her subconscious mind might have made up the opposite story for me: I was desperate, needy, weak, a failure, a pushover, small dick, etc.

Like I said in Chapter 1, being challenging is probably the most important of the CAB CARD traits and often makes the single biggest difference between whether a woman is attracted or is not attracted to you. And to be perfectly honest, it is the main variable that improved my success with women.

Being challenging and having boundaries is important because women are wired at their deepest level to want a challenging man. Being challenging is not a fun “addition” to an otherwise healthy relationship – it actually goes to the core of what a man – woman relationship should be. But because this desire is deep, primal, powerful, and subconscious, it become extreme, irrational, weird, and sometimes very, very stupid.

Think about all the women you have been obsessed with. What did they have in common? They were probably a challenge to you. Now think of all the women that have been obsessed with you. What did they have in common? You were probably a challenge to them. In fact, the reason you are reading this book right is because you see women as a challenge that you want to conquer. Whether or not you want to accept it, challenge is a powerful driver of attraction. Period.

I made being challenging and having boundaries a single chapter because they essentially boil down to the same thing: Your purposes come first, you lead the interaction, you control the frame, and everybody else must either contribute to your purposes or get the fuck out of the way. You should not be challenging or have boundaries to be an asshole or a weird, annoying curmudgeon, but because you have a fucking mission and you can only pay attention to people who are contributing to that mission, even if your mission is just having a few beers with your friends. 

But what, exactly, does it mean to be challenging and have boundaries?

By being challenging, I mean that you should only give your time, attention and favors to women who have done something to deserve them. Your default should always be to focus your attention on your purposes, whatever your purposes happen to be in that moment, and you should only do things for women if and when they have meaningfully contributed to your purposes and emotional experience, which are ultimately the same thing. And then – here is the important part - when women stop working for your time, attention, and resources, you take your attention right back to your purposes.

The key to being challenging is implementing the Alpha Male Quid Pro Quo, which is the rule that you can only do things for women after they have done something to deserve them, and only in proportion to what they have done for you. For example, you can pay a woman attention if she is being funny, interesting, helpful, or friendly or if she is doing things for you (like buying you drinks, helping you with something, teaching you something, just following you around as you were doing whatever you wanted to do anyway). But the moment she stops deserving it, you must move on. She will quickly realize that your validation is not free, and it is up to her to decide whether she wants to work for it or not.

Going back to the K story, I had to say “no” to K and her friends because they had done nothing to deserve me going out on a work night for them. In fact, there was probably nothing they could do to make me come out on a work night. Of all my purposes, my job is a particularly important one, and getting enough sleep is important to do well at work, so the only time I would stay up late on a work night is if a woman who is an extremely close friend or I am in a deep relationship with has a serious emergency and needs help. For example, one night I got up in the middle of the night because my girlfriend’s car had gotten towed, and I helped her because she had done enough for me to deserve it. K and her friends, however, had not done enough to deserve a favor like that.

On the surface, it seemed like K wanted me to come party with her, but deep down she knew it would be stupid of me to stay up all night partying on a work night, and the fact that I put my foot down and prioritized my career was attractive. This is hard for men to wrap their head around: saying “no” to women often turns them on. Once a woman asked me to come to a day party with her on a Sunday and I had to tell her that I was staying to work on my business. She texted me back, “That’s hot.”

Even if we were going out on a Friday or Saturday night, the same principles apply. If you are in a social setting like a bar, your “purpose” is to have fun, which, for example, you can do by dancing, hanging out with your friends, meeting cool people, etc. If you approach a woman and she contributes to your fun night – you can pay her attention. But the second she stops working for your attention, you go right back to dancing and hanging out with your friends like she never existed. If she starts working for your attention again, you can pay her attention again, but if she stops working for it again, you go back to your purposes again. It’s a stupid game, but you are teaching her subconscious mind an important lesson, which is that your attention is not free.

An archetypal example of a challenging man is an attractive celebrity surrounded by beautiful women at a Hollywood party. Any woman at that party who wants his attention would know she must act appealing to get it – compliment him, act flirty, do something for him (like go get him a drink). She also knows she cannot act stupid, cringy, weird, embarrassing, inappropriate, trashy, rude, boring, disinterested, or otherwise unappealing because he can easily take his attention to one of the other beautiful women there. Of course, you are probably not a famous celebrity or constantly surrounded by beautiful women, but you must still act as if your attention were as valuable as that guy’s attention would be.

On the other hand, a man who is not challenging makes women feel that he has no other options and will lock into her and try to win her over no matter what she says or does. A non-challenging man puts up with bad behavior, does women undeserved favors, lets women violate his boundaries, and hangs around even when women are not working for his attention. A non-challenging man also accepts the woman’s frame, which means he lets her lead and make the rules. He also agrees with whatever the woman says, pretends to like whatever she likes, and does whatever she wants to do, even if what she wants to do sucks.

Having boundaries is the flipside to being challenging: Boundaries are the rules for any woman (or really any person period) that wants the privilege of enjoying your time, attention, or resources. For example, if a woman wants to hang out with you, she must be on time, re,spectful, truthful, and pleasant. She also cannot negatively affect your fun by complaining, being too drunk, annoying, bitchy, or selfish, starting drama with you or others, acting inappropriately, trashy, or weird, and so forth. She also cannot do anything that negatively affects your career, hobbies, relationships, or other important parts of your life. The more important the purpose, the less she is allowed to negatively affect it.

At this point, some of you might think, “I don’t care that a woman is a little stupid, annoying, boring, or even a little mean. I will put up with it because I just want some pussy.” Here’s the problem: You may not care, but WOMEN CARE. Nothing is more important to a woman than what she perceives her own value to be, and women judge their value by keeping a subconscious mental tally of what they have done for you. If a woman thinks that she does not positively contribute to your emotional experience – or worse, if she thinks that she negatively contributes to your emotional experience, she will emotionally disconnect from you.

This happens for two reasons: First, if a woman feels like she is a net negative to your emotional experience she will subconsciously assume that you will reject her because, well, women evolved to feel like the alpha male rejects underperformers. Even if you swear up and down that you like her and do not care that she did not this or that bad thing, she will feel like you are lying to her and will eventually reject her because she is a drag on your tribe. Second, if you are not challenging and do not have boundaries, women will subconsciously feel like you have low standards, which means your tribe will get its ass kicked by tribes who have high standards. Women want a man who runs a tight ship.

Every man should develop his own boundaries based on his own criteria (for example, his interests, values, preferences, temperament, life situation, and so forth). But the animating principle behind boundaries should always be the same: they are designed to protect your purposes, even small, silly purposes like having fun on a Friday night or getting enough sleep on a work night. You absolutely cannot let a woman impede the pursuit of your purposes in any way, because the most attractive thing about a man is his mission in that moment, whatever his mission happens to be, so if a woman sees that she can impede it, she feels like you are weak and not a leader worth following.

Some of you may think that saying “no” to going out on a work night is a no brainer, and some of you may think that I was a moron for saying no to 3 hot girls that wanted to party. The reality is that you can always make some excuse about why it is ok to let women distract and deflect you from your purposes. Men often assume that women do not care or notice when they are sacrificing their purposes for them, but I promise you that women care deeply, and they fucking notice when you let them interfere with your life, your goals, and even just your peace and relaxation, even in small or insignificant ways.

My website: http://www.woujo.com