Beta husband updates, likely divorce. Articulates the importance of sexual intimacy and a woman's perception of you.

johnnight · 2013-12-20T08:43:33+00:00

yeah, kick him in the nuts a little bit harder:

/r/sex/comments/1taqsu/update_found_out_wife_did_things_in_her_past_that/ce67g4n

[–]totally_jawsome [score hidden]

Then they're not reasons to be leaving a relationship.

Honestly dude, you're being a bit pathetic. It's frusrating because if I was your wife I'd be livid you were leaving me over this. You're giving up because something hurts??

That happens. People hurt us but when you made your vows you said for better for worse and you're not sticking to that, you haven't even tried. You're letting all of these people get to your head, because they're telling you exactly what you want to hear. When there are people, like myself, giving you solid advice based on fact. You haven't given me one factual answer about what is going on.

Yes you're hurt but you're being a big baby about it. She had sex with someone else and it was kinkier then with you, so what?? She didn't lie about it, she just didn't tell you. Sorry but you can make as many excuses as you like, she didn't do anything that warrants you breaking the marriage. You need to man up, put your big boy pants on, and work this thing out. You need to sit her down and look her in the face and talk. No assumptions, no irrational behavior, just pure communication.

I understand if she did this over and over, but to me, this is something you have got to work out. Yeah sure, you can leave, but you'd be a pretty immature person to do that. Being an adult and taken on the commitment of a relationship means you are going to do the work.

My parents have been married for almost 40 years now and it's not been some fairy tale, they've had every up and down possible. But they stuck it out, and they're so happy now. They realize that things happen and they forgive each other and do what is needed to make the situation right. If you're not willing to make the first step and take the initiative in this then go ahead and leave, but that makes you no better of a person than her.

shaming, shaming, shaming, it's about my parents, you are a bad person.

What I hate about all this so called 'advice' on reddit is that the commenters do not give the best advice to the OPs, but persuade them to do what would be in the best interest of the advisor if he/she was involved in the situation, but not necessarily being in OPs shoes.

So if a man asks for advice about his woman, the women on reddit will give advice that is in the interest of the woman.

Edit:

She had sex with someone else and it was kinkier then with you, so what?? She didn't lie about it, she just didn't tell you.

totally_jawsome is a woman. She just does not get it and never will. How could she? She reads about a situation, but she cannot empathize with a man.

TRPsubmitter · 2013-12-20T07:01:50+00:00

These are the people he is trying to explain his situation to:

Random comment in the thread:

Please use "woman" rather than "female". She's a person, not an object.

Response to that comment:

I believe you mean "animal", not "object".

And the kicker:

Well he does say "my" as if she is a posession.

You just gotta laugh at shit like that.

[deleted] · 2013-12-20T10:08:00+00:00

[permanently deleted]

throwitawaynowa · 2013-12-20T10:03:27+00:00

I don't understand your logic in this. I am deeply in love with my husband. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone else. But there are things I've done sexually with others that I haven't done with him. Why? I don't know. I don't have a good reason, but it has nothing to do with attraction to him.

What the fuck is she trying to say? I hope she doesn't have a job where she needs to think too hard or has too much responsibility. Seems like riding the carousel gave her a little damage.

Here's another one:

I can tell you I've had "kinkier" sex with some people before I met my husband (very kinky, threesomes, bdsm, etc), but I choose him over all that. It was kind of a weird time in my life, and I honestly don't like thinking or talking about it.

It must bring her back to when she was facing the wall at 60 mph and almost had to take responsibility for her actions before her husband redeemed her "Get out of Jail free" card.

I'm currently at a place in my life where I'm experimenting with my sexuality and trying tons of new things. And no doubt, in the end, some of these things may end up being something that I never want to try again or maybe even talk about. A threesome? Hell yeah I'm down. Pegging? I would totally do if a guy I was seeing was into it. Wanna tie me up and call me nasty names and smack me? Sure let's try it.

I can only hope she keeps the same account so I can read her posts to /r/depression in 5-10 years.

ihavespellingproblem · 2013-12-20T07:01:51+00:00

Just makes me wonder what percentage of women get married for stability and security rather than tingles. 70%? 80%? 99%?

trudatness · 2013-12-20T16:05:28+00:00

The guy wants his wife to love him, he wants to experience the physical expression of her love and she's refusing his request.

It's become obvious to him that she never really did love him, but for the last 20 years used him for what he could offer her.

Their marriage hangs in the balance and all he wants is proof of her love for him, but she cannot provide it. She refuses to even try. She is so rigidly inured to what she has earned via marriage and child raising she does not see where he has cause for this request.

After all, it was her right to get married and have a doting, supportive husband.

When he asks her for something to fulfill his happiness and draw them closer, she refuses and by doing so she refuses him. I'm willing to wager that his marriage has been marked by her identity as a "low libido" type and he did not get much sex. Now he finds out that she's not really a "low libido" type. She just doesn't want sex with him.

So here comes the reddit hamster army telling him that he should man up and talk about it. The inference being that it's a man's duty to serve his wife and his needs are secondary - so he should just be a good little soldier and keep performing his duties as husband and provider.

It's pretty revealing how much the emphasis is to protect the woman in the situation and convince the man to forgo his personal happiness. This is misandry and a pretty good example of it. The personal needs of men are secondary to that of a woman's in a relationship.

Then the shock and indignation comes after the man looks elsewhere for his happiness. It's a profound anger. How dare he not sacrifice his happiness for her material needs?

When you lay it out plainly you can see how twisted the expectation is. However many don't flinch when abstractions of this concept are flittered out, masquerading as well grounded advice. You can really see how crazy it is when you examine it from a non-misandric, logical POV.

The reality is that it's a real shitty way to go through life, bearing a burden in a loveless marriage. Nobody deserves that.

throwwhatthere · 2013-12-20T06:02:01+00:00

Love his response re therapy.

Stationary_Wagon · 2013-12-20T09:12:46+00:00

I love how the top answer is relationship counseling. How can you counsel something like this? The man's wife of 20 years sees him as a second grade man&hides her past and shows no remorse when it's out in the open. How can any man swallow his pride and hold his head high in this situation?

If he has any spine he will walk out of this prison which he seems to be bent on doing it. His life will be in pieces but still, good for him to finally learn the truth. There are lots of people who waste their lives never having leaned it.

Archwinger · 2013-12-20T17:08:06+00:00

Big kudos to this guy for having the balls to end a 20 year marriage.

What some people aren't getting is that the issue isn't about the sex. It's about the lying.

The whole time they were dating, this guy asked his wife about certain types of sexual acts, and her response was generally, "Never done it. Not interested."

It turns out that she HAD done it. And not some distant thing from ages ago when she was experimenting in college. These were things she did with her boyfriend immediately previous to him. But she lied and concealed her sexual history from him. They never talked about the truth or discussed why, exactly she was heavily into certain sex with her previous boyfriend but not with the guy she eventually married. She withheld the truth and conned him into marriage, depriving him of a choice whether to be influenced by this information.

It's not that she didn't enjoy those sex acts. When her husband finally found out about her lie (20 years later), he asked, and she readily admitted to enjoying those sex acts, with no reasonable excuse why she turned him down -- she just didn't wanna.

Now it's too late. If she shows any kind of improvement now (sexual or otherwise), it will seem like she's just responding to being caught in her lie. Trying desperately to keep her husband who's been dutifully providing his best to her for 20 years (in exchange for less than her best -- forget the sex, she couldn't even give him honesty.) His kids are grown. Child support and the children's growth and emotional health aren't issues. Divorce is the right call.

You can't stay with a liar. EVEN IF HE GETS STUPID-ASS THERAPY AND GETS TO THE ROOT OF THE ISSUE AND IT TURNS OUT THAT SHE HAD A REALLY GOOD REASON FOR THE SEXUAL THINGS, SHE STILL LIED AND CONNED HIM INTO MARRIAGE.

shakaldrogo · 2013-12-20T06:28:18+00:00

He has found the pill! He only has to swallow it until it's fully digested & fully dissolved to the point where it runs in his blood (a very long process I should say). I believe OP lurks in these subs and threads somewhere. If you can see this, I just wanted to say i'm glad you saw the light & hope you'll not sit on your sorrows but smile because she just set you free. You have eagle eyes now. Things will become clearer as you go. You learn everyday.

IAMTHEDEATHMACHINE · 2013-12-20T14:47:50+00:00

I am not going to have some counselor spew politically correct nonsense, while telling me to right fake letters and buy expensive "stress relief" toys. I know my situation well enough.

Fucking love this. This poor guy is in a shit situation, but he's seeing the light. Counselors/therapists are parasites more often than not. Fuck 'em.

[deleted] · 2013-12-21T00:12:49+00:00

This guy validates everything we say every time he posts. Does he actually know trp exists?

And of course: top comment, as always: counceling.

AlmostRP · 2013-12-21T01:34:06+00:00

Third party mediation/counselling really does sound like it's needed....

For what? To help him cope with the fact that he isn't ever going to get what he wants?

Title	Beta husband updates, likely divorce. Articulates the importance of sexual intimacy and a woman's perception of you.
Author	mistonag
Upvotes	68
Comments	55
Date	December 20, 2013 5:07 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/1tb037/beta_husband_updates_likely_divorce_articulates/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/beta-husband-updates-likely-divorce-articulates.9058 https://theredarchive.com/post/9058

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