Grieving & The Redpill

TheModernLoki · 2017-01-13T11:20:49+00:00

You dont have to be a tough guy all the time. Think of the icons of masculinity in the modern world. Plenty of them are down to earth family guys, with emotions. They get respect for being in touch with their emotions and being a real human being.

The jacked up Tapout-Shirt-wearing alpha tryhards who pretend like nothing is ever wrong are an embarrassment to masculinity.

Since you have a girlfriend, you can cut the high-end macho crap and keep things secure by including her in your life.

recon_johnny · 2017-01-13T10:19:59+00:00

You get over grief over time. IMO, you shouldn't ever stop 'feeling' the loss. It's been 22 years for my father, I'll let you know when I get over it.

But presenting a strong frame is critical. You do it because you have to. Yeah, you may 'feel' like shutting people out, being sad....but you just don't.

Also, don't share feelings with a woman. Ever. Be nice--treat her like a child, as a child is trying to say nice things to you--but forcefully put a stop to her efforts.

NeoreactionSafe · 2017-01-13T14:01:33+00:00

My father died of cancer when I was in high school.

My reaction was shock... emotionally I sort of shut down as he was truly my hero and despite having two brothers I was sort of the most favored by my father.

It's tough.

What she is trying to do is get you to loosen up and be more fun again.

Rigid emotions are not the same as being stoic.

Stoic means you experience your emotional flow, but are not seduced by them. So as a stoic minded person you stop chasing Happiness, but you can be happy when the situation warrants it.

At some point you need to break out of this.

You know getting drunk usually helps. When you are a "stiff" the alcohol gets you distracted into emotional diversions and gives you a break.

Don't drive... get home safely.

RememberingAlpha · 2017-01-13T15:36:29+00:00

TRP doesn't encourage suppression of emotions. It encourages mastery of emotions. That means acknowledging and processing them. You feel the way you feel, and you aren't wrong for it.

gistaminute · 2017-01-13T14:35:31+00:00

(please no sorry for your losses)

Lost my brother last year and I don't talk about it because people have acted like I'm wrecked over it, gaslit me, and then acted as thought I was distraught and complained to HR and landlords. It's just a lever for them to pull in a competitive place (Sand Hill Road) and it's sick... nothing like my Scandinavian upbringing where people genuinely cared and supported each other. In this way TRP has probably literally saved my life from the snakes.

I don't have all the answers yet except that I've had nothing but trouble talking about it with people in my new life where I did't have close friends nearby (one relo'd here, yay). Just look tough and feel free to shed tears for your loss when you're home alone if you need to. If you have any internal concept of eternal life then life has simply changed and what would make them happiest is seeing you prosper and keep sharing your light with the world. If you don't have a concept of eternal life then there's nothing to be sad about either, notice how attached you are to your past situation and break the attachment and cherish the memories. Hang in there bro.

Alth12 · 2017-01-13T19:20:12+00:00

My Gran died late last year and she was and still is a huge influence in my life.

I've cried a lot in private and with my best friend. My female cousin (not related to my gran) who I hang with offers her shoulder a lot to cry on, lambasts me for being too stoic but I never let go in front of her.

Something in me tells me to hold back with her and it has caused me to reevaluate a little my relationship with her. I'd say to the op if you can't grieve in front of your SO you likely don't trust her that much.

_the_shape_ · 2017-01-13T21:56:20+00:00

She's doing so because she feels 'impotent' by being denied her desire to nurture. Speaking from experience, do not shame her or angrily reject her for attempting to do so.

Emphasize to her that while you primarily want to deal with it alone (supposing that's your preferred outlet?), she can do something to help out, and this is where you basically delegate to her a 'task' to create the illusion through which she will come to feel like she has played a role in helping you cope.

Get creative. Come up with something simple. Maybe watching a movie together. Going to a (favorite?) nearby coffee shop and letting her treat you to something. You're secretly doing it to get her off of your back, so to speak, but you're outwardly doing it to provide her with a way to assist in your grieving. So, for example, it might look something like this:

Her: "I just really want to help out and be there for you"

You: "Well, you know I have a strong preference for dealing with these sorts of things by myself - it's just the way I am - but I really do love chocolate or I really do love lattes from that coffee shop down the street. That would help me out a bit for sure"

She wants to be 'useful' - that's all there's to it really - so assign her a task, and once it's "complete", you should be good from there out.

alexjsaf · 2017-01-13T22:02:22+00:00

Monday marked 5 years since my brother took his own life. I will never ever bring up how I feel about it to anyone but I will answer questions if people ask but I always downplay it because I don't want anyone to ever think I would use it as an excuse or feel bad for me. I just remain calm and I think the biggest thing is to NEVER cry around anyone.

Use the memory of your mother to inspire you to accomplish everything that she couldn't now that she is no longer with you. Live a successful life enough for both of you! She wants you to be the best person you can be. NEVER use it as an excuse as to why you couldn't do something. Look back after you have succeeded and say "yeah I was able to do all this DESPITE the shit that life threw at me".

I hate when people say everything happens for a reason, but after my brother died I was able to harness the anger, hate, depression, and sadness and use it to my advantage, as a motivation to prove to myself that it would not hold me back. Keep your head up, brother, and don't hesitate to message me with any questions as to how I have handled it.

EDIT: also always remember that drugs are a TEMPORARY SOLUTION to a permanent problem. You will think about your mother every day, time doesn't heal everything, but it will get easier as you will remember the good times and not the negative emotions you are probably still having. Don't fall into that drug hole, I did and almost didnt make it out.

InChargeMan · 2017-01-13T10:37:31+00:00

You have to accept what happened, understand it is part of being human, and and move on (not forget, but don't dwell on something that can never change).

Chris Hardwick had a funny bit relating to this. Try to be closer to this. http://www.cc.com/video-clips/onqbbk/stand-up-inappropriate-humor

hiddenhen · 2017-04-17T08:00:31+00:00

my dad is dying, and i have decided how my LTR fits into all of this. i logged onto here to see if anyone on TRP dealt with the same thing.

the answer for how i want to present to my LTR is that "it sucks big time but i'll handle it." honestly this response really doesn't have anything specific to do with my LTR... this is actually my response to everyone, and it's what is true to me.

to OP: it's not to say you can't grieve. it's totally OK to grieve, but as a leading male, you are the rock and you look forward to building a life of abundance for yourself in honor of the mother that raised you. let it add purpose and meaning in your journey.

when my dad passes, i know i'm going to want to be the rock for my mom and siblings. my girl can participate this all she wants, but in no rational way am i expecting her to be my rock... that's my job.

Title	Grieving & The Redpill
Author	cmoG26
Upvotes	13
Comments	22
Date	January 13, 2017 10:10 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/5npuay/grieving_the_redpill/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/grieving-the-redpill.39957 https://theredarchive.com/post/39957

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