This is going to be a long post, and I'm truly sorry for making you read all this if you put yourself to it. I really need someone right now. It's been a while since I've posted here, and if you check my latest posts from my profile this one is going to be related to them.

It has been almost 2 months since the breakup, so I finally decided to ask my peers here in Reddit. I URGENTLY need to find some closure or at least advice to follow, ever since, I've been a mess, stopped going to the gym, have no interest in nothing, haven't taken care of myself, I feel destroyed. My weeks are made up of junk food, porn, video games, overthinking the things that I could've done or avoided in my relationship as well as thinking of her and the good memories we had. Depression hit me hard on this one. We've been dating for 5 months, and knew each other for 9 months. I know it is a really short time but nonetheless, she was my first serious girlfriend. (I am 20 and she's 19).

Before I begin, let me say that my ex-girlfriend was somehow obsessed about me. She told me she had a crush on me and was really into me. Her best friend even has a video of her upset because I took too long to respond to her texts. (Yes, I was an asshole an actually did it on purpose.) We started texting each other in June 2016, I knew about her over Instagram and followed her. We began to talk to each other but at the time I wasn’t so interested in her, because I was away from town for the entire summer, plus I was texting other girls at the time. We finally meet in person in September, and somehow she got to my heart, I immediately fell for her and the journey of a future relationship began. I’m going to be honest, she was the very first girl that I’ve had something serious with, we had an amazing chemistry and were deeply in love with each other, even though in November: story about it on a post I made titled: "How to avoid my girlfriend get bored of me".

December was the best month of the relationship, if not the best one from my life, it was my birthday and we celebrated together, she even wrote me a letter saying: “How happy she was that I came along when she needed someone the most” or “It’s the first time we celebrated your (me) birthday together but I’m very sure its not going to be the last.” Also “How much she loved me etc. etc.” To me in my mind thought that she was THE ONE, the girl I was going to spend my entire life with living the journey of life together happy and all that. Our parents met each other and the in-laws were amazing with me, it was perfect.

On New Year's Eve, I even spent it with her family and staying over at her grandparents and going to the parties and stuff. The euphoria of it all was amazing and was the most happy time I ever had at the time.

Things began to change in February, yes she was still interested in me, but it didn’t felt the same, as time went by she got colder and colder, the sex suddenly stopped and the physical contact was beginning to fade. We barely even made out or had a good conversation. I obviously knew something was going on, so I began my research either from the internet or her best friend. I must admit, when I noticed the change I began to act clingy, I know it’s the cancer for any relationship and even her best friend told me to step out a little and give her some space, I didn’t, fearing I’ll lose her or that she’ll leave me.

March was the worst month of the relationship, she just couldn’t give in, I felt I was doing all the work, she lost respect from me and even “ignored” my messages, at this time I was alone the most. Being the insecure dude that I was, I began thinking that someone else was in the picture and that maybe that was the reason why she was like that, I didn’t trust her. It was so confusing, some days she showed affection, others she didn't.

So one day when I was at her house, I snooped a conversation she had with someone from college, the most suspicion I had was with some dude she had the same class as her and turned out it was nothing serious. We then went out and she out of nowhere grabs my hand across the trip we had with her parents.

Finally, that weekend night when I was about to leave her house, we made out and then kissed her forehead, not knowing it was going to be the last kiss and smile I’ll ever have, see or feel from her. (I’m literally crying as I wrote that right now). Next day went by and went to the gym with her brother. The day went by and when the night came, my insecurities attacked me, I told her best friend what should I do, told her that ever since she got distant I wasn’t happy with her and I was thinking of leaving her if she continued that behavior. (In my mind I knew I wasn’t going to leave her, I was just very upset). Then I told her that I snooped a conversation with her. The mistake that cost our relationship, she told her about it. GODDAMIT.

Next day I received the infamous “We need to talk” text, I knew it was the beginning of the end. She got really upset and even cried all night for what I did. She didn’t got mad because I snooped the conversation, but because her best friend told her about it and I didn’t asked her if there was someone else. The state of the relationship was very fragile, we both agreed to not see each other for some time and continued talking, and if it didn’t work out, then end it.

A week went by and asked her if she really wanted to continue to stay with me, she said that it wasn’t going to be the same, and that we will feel uncomfortable with each other after that, I did my try and told her we could work on it, she asked me If I could wait a little more, but being the idiot I was and still am, told her that I couldn’t wait for anyone.

We broke up the next day. (April 1st)

Everyone was surprised that we broke up, we seem so perfect for each other and it took them by surprise. Ever since I felt hopeless, depression struck me again but harder than before, every day is a battle of thoughts from all the good moments we had, to the things I should’ve avoided, I even cry at night, and right now, my confidence is at the bottom of earth, I stopped going to the gym, eat trash, sleep up until late, have no motivation for nothing, I have ups and downs, where im ready to move on, or the complete opposite,

I’m just a complete mess.

Weeks after the breakup I went to my sisters’ house at Florida to try and alleviate the pain and move on, it didn’t. I started to have a conversation with her best friend, asking her if I had another chance with her, what she told me made it even worse:

Long story short from what she said to me was “Even though she LIKED you, she wasn’t IN LOVE with you”, “She didn’t want to leave because she didn't want to be alone” “She was thinking of leaving me, and the reason we broke up was just an excuse for it” “Move on, you’ll find someone better”.

Now here lays the problem, her best friend was somehow jealous of her, so maybe what she told me was lies in some part just to avoid myself from trying again. (She betrayed me telling my ex about me snooping around) or it was really genuine what she said.

TL:DR

In conclusion, I’m so confused, its been almost 2 months since the breakup, the last time I contact her was to wish her a happy birthday, but ever since I haven’t talked to her, and I’m not planning to until I clear my head up. I’m soo sad, how can someone who treated you so amazing and showed so much interest in me leave just like that? We both thought we were made for each other and everything changed. My heart is so torn apart that I don’t even know what to do. Feeling so betrayed and confused.

What should I do? Should I give her some space and keep the NO CONTACT for a few months until things get better for me and try to win her back, or just move on and keep the hope that she'll be back.

It's so unfair after all this time she just disappeared from my life, I was amazing to her, I was loyal, showed attention to her, LOVED her etc. Why after having a crush on someone and knowing that this crush LOVES you, you'll just take it for granted and destroy it? I once had a crush on someone and I would've LOVED if she really fell for me, and showed as much affection as I did with my ex. How can life be so UNFAIR? HELP.