We see all the marriage posts and one thing that happens over and over in the comments is the conflation of LTRs with marriage.

They are not the same.

In fact, marriage is toxic to most LTRs.

Here's why:

  1. "Together forever" is a huge fantasy that is as destructive as Oneitis. Marriage is the belief that by creating an agreement based on a feeling in the present, you can keep that going forever, "until death do us part". Sadly, most people don't realize that everyone changes. All you have is the present, so signing a contract to be with someone "forever" is a horrible proposition at best, and truly impossible at worst. Yes, I know, some married couples are together until they die. How many are actually happy with their partner right up until the end? The point is that it IS impossible to declare anything to be "forever" especially when it comes to another human being with wants, needs, emotions, etc. that are bound to change.

  2. Marriage isn't a voluntary relationship. LTRs can be voluntary. You are not free to leave the relationship in a marriage. In an LTR, you can leave if you want to. Why is voluntarism in relationships a big deal? Well...if your partner thinks that you will be there no matter what, because divorce rape, they are bound to get lazy- let themselves go, behave badly, do things that are not in your best interest. Because they can. In a non-marriage LTR, each partner has to show up their best, because the threat of the other leaving is real. Everyone is forced to be on their best behavior unless they want out of the relationship.

  3. Two people cannot become one. Not in any kind of reality, no matter what religion, no matter what you do with your bank accounts. In a non-marriage LTR, you can maintain your individual identity. Marriage means the melding of two people. While in fantasyland, this sounds wonderfully romantic, the reality is, you are always 2 individuals and should respect that. Marriage gets in the way of this.

  4. Marriage creates unchosen obligations. Just because you are happy with one person, does not mean you will be happy with that person's mother, father, brother, sister, etc. Trying to meld into your spouse's family is like a roll of the dice. You may get lucky. Often times, these in-law relationships are forced, and this creates multiple problems you wouldn't have had if you stuck with a non-marriage LTR.

  5. Most people marry after a year or two of dating. If the dating is going well, why not keep that going? Why change things? Marriage is a man-made concept. Marriage doesn't exist in reality. If you highly value monogamy, why not celebrate AFTER 10 years or something? What is the purpose of making all these declarations when you are so early in your relationship?

Full disclosure, I was married at one time, and see all the problems with it way beyond divorce rape.