I recently finished up reading "Women Who Love Too Much" and came to terms with my shitty dating pattern. I was picking and dating men who I thought were "impressionable" enough so that they wouldn't leave me aka assuage my deep rooted fear of abandonment. I deeply felt that if I picked partners (and friends, too) who were below my standards or just obviously incompatible with me, I could easily control and manipulate them so they could never leave me. Personally, I like men who are:

  • Ambitious
  • Outgoing
  • Humble
  • Secure but also a little fiesty
  • Has had relationships before/knew how to treat a woman

I truly didn't believe I could deserve/find a partner like this because the guys that I did like that showed those traits were not interested in me. I internalized this as meaning something was wrong with me and wasn't worthy. So in turn, I found men who are:

  • Introverted
  • Unambitious or still bumming off of their parents in some way
  • Arrogant/Selfish
  • Virginal/little to no experience

(Of course, on a simple scale things like being introverted or extroverted doesn't make a person inherently bad or good, but those who tend to be homebodies would make good outer friends, but since I am more outgoing, it wouldn't be 100% fulfilling of my needs. I didn't realize that until much later)

I liked going for inexperienced men because it gave me (what I thought was) control over them to mold and shape them. They couldn't compare me to anyone else and so they'd never leave, so I thought. I basically would teach and seduce them (poorly) how to be a boyfriend/lover. Never mind that I didn't care for their interests/them for mine or that we weren't on the same page on when to see each other, activities to do together etc. I just wanted control. I am not unattractive-- I work out, I have a nice shape, keep myself up and didn't have issues with (largely unwanted) male attention. But once I got the interest of the guy mentioned above, I would get really attached quickly (usually by sleeping with them quickly) and then just settling for whatever treatment they gave me. They were happy because they received benefits from me, even though I was usually a nervous wreck trying to please them and make them happy all the time, which was impossible considering I didn't like doing the majority of the things we were doing and/or had already voiced my needs -- which were ignored or put on the back burner. But I wouldn't leave them. I wanted to try harder.

When it became clear that I couldn't control nor manipulate them AND that they were also treating me like absolute garbage, I became obsessed with them. I wanted to make up any and all excuses for it somehow being my fault for how they treated me back-- I'd blame my race, my efforts, not being close in proximity, whatever it needed to be for me to take all the blame for it being a severe mismatch. It couldn't just be that I was really insecure and picked a bad match, and the other person also didn't know how to treat a woman. I never saw it that way. And I would refuse advances to the man here or there that did or would cater to my needs because I felt repulsed by them. I have no idea why I did that.

I feel pretty disgusting and predatorial and masochistic for acting like that, just wanted to vent. I have to accept that I did that. I haven't dated in a long time but I am not wanting to repeat this again. Is this predatory behavior? How do I start to feel worthy of men that I do want and handle that men I may be attracted to may not be attracted to me and have enough self esteem to have faith I could find better?