How to manage expectations

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-05-12T13:45:42+00:00

Remind yourself regularly he is still a stranger, or at best an acquaintance. Limit your dates to 1 or at most 2 per week, aka try to space them apart. Limit your texting so you are not constantly available and thinking and obsessing over his next message. Continue to spend time with girlfriends and family, don’t talk about him in length during these visits.

I totally understand this mindset. I idealized a man I only knew online, I made plans in my mind for our future, because he lived in a different state, I wondered about what moving would entail and how I’d prepare.

I got there and he was awful in person. So many red flags I ignored. This is a bit different because the red flags didn’t creep up on me like they do in a face to face relationship, they hit me all at once. But face to face, it’s like that boiling-a-frog situation, you don’t know how many red flags there are until you’re in deep because of those rosy glasses. You need to make a note for yourself every time something feels a little bit off and digest that, don’t ignore it.

bananasplitchocodip · 2021-05-12T11:18:50+00:00

Same.. I’ve learned the only way is to have no expectations and stop putting these men we hardly know anything about on a pedestal. It’s helped me a lot after I put someone on a pedestal when he didn’t deserve to be there in the first place.

terrordactyl20 · 2021-05-12T12:35:42+00:00

....I need to learn this as well. Met a guy I really liked and turns out he has a mental health disorder and has kinda disappeared. I was sooooo excited like 4 days ago and now it just....is blah.

wildprincessxxx · 2021-05-12T12:54:58+00:00

Hey there, I definitely relate to this. My attachment style is secure, but even then, I'm quite the overthinker and possibly as someone who is looking for security, I tend to envision things settling down quicker than people are actually willing to. I don't think, however, that it is really a solution to have a rotation of men - sure, it helps your self-esteem in the short run, but that doesn't improve your prospects of finding someone right for you. As per FDS, dating apps are not recommended either, because they are so hypersexual.

Managing expectations is so important, both your own expectations as well as being able to see what page the other person is on. It might be helpful to from the start let the other person know what you're looking for and what your intentions are eg. a long-term committed relationship, so that if they don't want the same thing, you can cut it off pre-emptively (I don't personally believe that they will change their mind if they intend on playing around).

As you also already note, you should keep a look out for love-bombing and vet carefully to ensure that he is committed to the same level of effort for the long haul. Run at any red flag - if there are any feelings of doubt, don't try to justify them to yourself because you want to believe that he is better, instead continue being vigilant about them unless he can actually prove you wrong.

43rdaccount · 2021-05-12T15:07:54+00:00

mmmm maybe this is weird but a realization i had coming into the year was like "this is a year where i probably will not have a meaningful romantic/sexual relationship" just like in terms of probability and realizing thats not a goal at this stage of my life. im excited about all the other aspects of my life and work

the result is that when a man is hitting on me im not thinking about how things might perfectly develop, i dont see neutral/goodish interactions as green flags, they are just empty social chit chat, the man probably looking for a ego boost

pretty_kill · 2021-05-12T16:10:36+00:00

For me, I try not to fantasize about them. No future fantasizing, no fantasizing about romance. I only acknowledge actual actions they take. If I do end up fantasizing, I acknowledge it’s a fantasy, and try to stop. Or I try to switch the fantasy to a fictional person, character, made up, whatever.

I haven’t been romantically involved or had a crush since the last one months ago, so I’m still learning too. But maybe because I haven’t had a crush recently that means it’s working.

Twohagsover30 · 2021-05-12T17:50:58+00:00

The answer is therapy and practice!!

It helps to work with a professional on the issues you've identified and engage in PRACTICE.

All skills take time to learn and then master, and nothing pushes along the learning trajectory like a good coach/teacher.

Title	How to manage expectations
Author	poody456
Upvotes	44
Comments	14
Date	May 12, 2021 11:07 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/nam27a/how_to_manage_expectations/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/how-to-manage-expectations.791985 https://theredarchive.com/post/791985

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