Finding a good therapist

The_Litz · 2015-10-20T13:16:21+00:00

I ended up at a therapist about 4 years ago. It was one of the work wellness programs that paid for everything etc.

What came out of it? She, yes gents, a woman, told me to stop seeking approval from my wife, start living my own life and building my own self, apart from my wife.

Sound familiar to any of you? Not all therapists suck, there are a few good ones out there, but you will have to look for them.

Just remember one thing OP, the answers you seek are in you, you just need to find them. Depending on a therapist to do it for you is a covert contract. You will have to put in the work.

jacktenofhearts · 2015-10-20T11:40:14+00:00

Edit: I'm clearly getting immediate pushback on the request. I get it... But in the case of an actual mental health issue what does the RP man do? Buck up and move on? I have shit I want to talk about. Is that wrong?

Everyone telling you this is basically giving you shitty advice. Red Pill thought involves a lot of self-reliance, so asking questions involving the professional help of someone else will pretty much ensure you get shat on. A few months ago I think some guy posted on MRP something like, "hey guys, I want to get a personal trainer at my gym, any suggestions on what I should look for in a good trainer," and most of the comments were "why the fuck do you need a trainer, you're a goddamn fucking pussy, you don't need to pay some guy $100/hour just go to the gym and LIFT."

There's also a negative sigma regarding therapists because marriage counseling actually is bullshit... but that easily bleeds into "all professional mental health services are bullshit" for most guys here.

So with that said, only you can determine whether hiring the services of a professional is the best choice for you. I saw a therapist for about six months in my early 30s. It was a great experience and gave me a level of catharsis that I doubt I would have reached on my own. Among the key insights from my time in therapy:

I had a lot of codependent behavior traits, but examining the root cause -- which for all of us, is typically formative life experiences -- really helped me break that pattern of that behavior. In my case, I was raised with an overwhelming sense of "duty." The idea that "quitting" is for "losers." And yeah, losers do quit a lot of things. But so do winners, because they don't hesitate to say, "I'm not getting anything close to what I'm putting into this, so I'm out."
I had a sense of anxiety about doing anything out of my comfort zone and that involved risk, but I had honed that response over the years into indifference. We think of anxiety as sweaty palms, a knot in our stomach, etc, but it doesn't always manifest this way. So my ex-wife would suggest, "let's take rock climbing lessons," and I would immediately fire off a half dozen reasons why that was impractical, or expensive, or too time-consuming, and was otherwise The Worst Idea Ever. When really, at my gut, I was worried I would suck at it and would spend most of my time flailing around in a harness in mid-belay.
The two above ideas were linked a lot more closely than you'd think. I had a pattern of getting into commitments that were a net negative in my life, so I associated committing to anything as having negative outcomes, which means commitment gave me anxiety, but I coped with that anxiety over the years by developing a keen ability to mentally hamster it away by always asking, "eh, who wants to do that lame shit anyway?"

I knew I had some broken mental models that were preventing me from really succeeding at life, but I couldn't have described it besides "I just feel like I'm always in situations where I put more in than I get out" and "I just feel really unmotivated" and I doubt some combination of self-help books, or whatever, would have broken me out of that.

With that said, my advice for you is "shop around for your therapist." Especially since you have insurance, so book a few appointments with a few different guys. You are hiring a service professional, and you usually get a few estimates when you hire an electrician or a plumber, right? It's really not much different here. Go see a few of them, then just stick with the one you like best.

Some other suggestions:

Time box this whole therapy effort. If you haven't gotten what you wanted out of this in 10-20 sessions, then you're probably not going to get it with another 10-20 sessions.
You probably won't want to see a psychiatrist. They'll listen to your shit for ten minutes and then throw a prescription at you. If your "issues" involve actual mental illness, then go see one.
Don't talk about it with anyone. There's no point. The stigma of therapy is not limited to Red Pill.

irateMD · 2015-10-20T10:29:50+00:00

There's no viable method to ensure that you'll find a good one without meeting them first. In my city of over half a million people there are only a handful I have met or heard about who do psychotherapy and don't seem to be messed up or extremely biased. If you find a good one it can be useful.
If you get the creeps, find a new one.
If after a few sessions they haven't given you any new perspective or different way of thinking about things, then move on to a new one.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-10-20T13:55:08+00:00

MRP is strongly against marriage counseling.

Most MRP guys don't like therapy in any form.

However, if you have an actual mental health issue, depression, grief, or mental illness, there is nothing wrong with you getting treated individually. So no, you don't buck up and move on. You get help if you need it.

Just get help for YOU. You will learn what to do for the relationship from MRP so never get "help" from the Matrix for that.

I do think the MRP way to get therapy is to not even tell your wife about it.

TLDR: Get the help you need, just try not to talk to your mommy/wife about your mental issues and avoid marriage counseling like you would Ebola.

Stonesaint · 2015-10-20T05:57:18+00:00

Good luck finding recommendation in a place that mistrusts the whole breed.

Scurvemuch · 2015-10-20T14:23:12+00:00

Shopping for a good therapist is like shopping for any other good professional : you will have good and bad ones , stupid expensive and reasonably priced. A professional is hired when you are not up to the job yourself. Find one that aligns with your thought process / needs.

There are online matching services you can google for clinical social workers/ therapists you can talk to briefly before starting

When I used one long ago in a far away mental space he helped me jump start the thought process that led me to be able to understand my own root causes better.

In the end- they can show you how and why you think/ act the way you do but the bottom line advice they can give you is : here is a way of thinking about it , now OWN your shit and deal with it as you see fit.

RPAlternate42 · 2015-10-20T14:27:26+00:00

Most health insurance, if not all, plans offer mental health availability.

marxistbacon · 2015-10-20T14:07:13+00:00

I'm with /u/jacktenofhearts on the value of personal, individual therapy. Even though, in theory, you can read a lot of self-help books, do a lot of reflecting, and come to some sane conclusions, it helps a LOT to have someone guide you through the process with discussion that is based of your own personal experiences. And similarly to what /u/The_Litz described, the lady I saw kept telling me "so why does it matter so much what SHE thinks"... one of the principles you keep hearing over and over again here. But hearing it context hammers it home. Even though my insurance maxed out and I had to pay a little extra, it was literally one of the best things I could have done with that cash.

That being said, there are good ones and bad ones. They are just people, and varying degrees of skill just like any other professional field out there. Interview them You can always see them once or twice then quit if you get a "just cut that shit out and start being nicer to your wife" kind of vibe.

whinemoreplease · 2015-10-20T07:53:09+00:00

and....... a therapist is going to help you how? by listening to you talk and charging you $150/hr? i mean, if that's what you want, you can send me $100/hr, and i'll give you a number to call - can't guarantee i'll listen because I have better things to do, but i'll guarantee i'll give you just as much useful advice, which is exactly 0.

in response to your edit - i know my work offers confidential mental health services. i'd probably start there or google and definitely not a bunch of retards on a subreddit that has literally nothing to do with this. "i have shit i want to talk about" -- what does this vague statement even mean, especially considering you're putting your trust into our advice (presumably)?

Title	Finding a good therapist
Author	BetaFeelz
Upvotes	7
Comments	24
Date	October 20, 2015 4:59 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/3pgbty/finding_a_good_therapist/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/finding-a-good-therapist.208005 https://theredarchive.com/post/208005

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