Providing solutions vs leading

EasyDaysHardNights · 2020-08-10T03:31:24+00:00

Wait ... let me get this straight.

You're dumping on us, your issue, which is figuring out how to handle a plate, whose is dumping on you, her issues?

That's some Inception level faggotry right there.

You don't have a plate. She has a pet.

Does she put lube on your ass before she pegs you?

floatingsidewalk · 2020-08-10T03:05:06+00:00

You need to continue working on yourself until being the "authentic you" is what matters, not what she thinks.

Consider the following points - Leadership is about:

Not being afraid to be yourself - All of us have flaws and areas to grow, but when you are true to yourself and know that you've put in the work, and aren't afraid to let others have their own opinions, you will become true to yourself and others will respect that.
Not succeeding every time is okay - Despite what you think, we all are working on a +1/-1 paradigm. You don't lift 1 day and become strong, you don't eat one cheeseburger and get fat. Forget trying to be perfect and instead focus on consistent growth - then you will care less about the 2 - 3 times a week that you don't respond well to your wife.
Know when to change course (or status quo) - There is a time to stick to the map and STFU, and there is also a time to move the rudder in a different direction. Be patient and be selective about which battles you pick. They need to be inline with the destination you intend to go. When things are going in that direction, strategically challenge the status quo and shift course. Just don't do it because you want to, do it because you know it is right (like at a soul level). Sometimes changing the course, is getting the crew to see things a different way. You can't do that without communication.
Think about the problem a new way - When a person is attempting to communicate a problem to you, one of the best gifts you can offer is seeing the problem from a new perspective. It doesn't mean you convince them to change, or that they must follow your thinking, but it is never a bad thing to provide your perspective. Happens all the time with my wife - we both have different life experiences and sometimes the confluence of that thinking is interesting. But, don't feel obligated to do so - sometimes listening is good enough.
Add some flair - Don't be an average Joe to your mate. When she's unloading basic life stuff on you, create some buzz in a different direction. Distract her and pull her into your world. Of course, you can do this because it is a hell of a lot better than hers. Why? Because you have been hard at work becoming more attractive, not just in physique, but also mind and spirit too. Or at least it should be.

Best of luck buddy!

johneyapocalypse · 2020-08-10T04:02:00+00:00

a... plate...

fuck off.

Downtowndex72 · 2020-08-10T02:59:37+00:00

I find the Socratic method to be the best option.

You can only help them discover the solution themselves.

However, most women have so little executive ability or agency that it’s usually hopeless.

Consider how many single women that you meet whose finances are a total basket case - deeply in debt with no way out. They haven’t learned to take stock of their situation and plan a way out. They expect it to be solved for them by the cavalry riding in over the hills, yet they often don’t recognize the cavalry when it arrives.

business---travel · 2020-08-10T02:57:53+00:00

This isn't a 'providing solutions vs. leading' issue, this is a specific issue you have with a plate...

I’m trying to find a balance with my main plate where she dumps all her issues on my lap.

This comes down to the fact that you didn't properly set boundaries with this woman. How long have you been seeing her? If you haven't thoroughly gone through the sidebar, you would know that you only adhered if your woman asks you a direct & specific question. Other than that, she is venting and letting her feelz out of her body. If you read and internalized NMMNG, you would have no issue when it comes to dealing with this kind of situation.

In addition, if you set the frame from the very beginning, one of the things you should have brought up is the following: "Your baggage is yours to manage and I do not want to hear about it, and my baggage is mine and you will not hear about it from me...". If you ask any guy here that has properly set boundaries with the women they are with, they would tell you that they have no issues around this type of situation. I would encourage you to go back through NMMNG again and try and internalize some of the concepts you are missing here.

tspitsatgp · 2020-08-10T04:17:43+00:00

If she’s a plate then you shouldn’t be so invested and you should instead be however you want to be and if she doesn’t like it she can find the exit.

It’s a crucial fucking point. 10 years in, married, shared finances, couple of kids, house... yeah okay ask these sorts of questions. But for a plate? Or a girlfriend for that matter. Nah man.

I used to struggle with this a little. Just nodding and listening felt inauthentic.

Now I just deal with it however my mood strikes at the time. Maybe I feel like nodding and listening, maybe I feel like prescribing the solutions to her problems, or maybe I feel like taking her upstairs and fucking.

At the end of the day I don’t care, if she doesn’t like it and breaks up with me, sure I’ll be a little bit sad for a bit, but that won’t last long... and fishing is fun for a bit.

tightsleeves · 2020-08-10T14:47:07+00:00

Yes, you need to learn proper listening skills (in the sidebar material) instead of try to solve her problems.

The difference, when your a leader, is that she comes to you to 'vent' and then relaxes into your leadership... You heard her, gave her a kiss, and she knows things will be alright.

When she tries to vent to a non-leader, like most men out there that doesn't know how to listen and they aren't leading anything, she also realizes that your one of her problems in life and she never relaxes into you, instead, you become another problem of hers

This is covered in the sidebar material which it seems you havent read.

Irishtrauma · 2020-08-10T19:02:35+00:00

This reminds me of “The Way of The Superior Man” - interesting book.

From my experience I derived the understanding when I try to “fix” a problem for them they perceive two truths: they’re broken and in need of fixing from my POV and are not being “heard”.

Perception is reality. This segues into answering your questions.

Patriarchal role in a marriage of traditional values needs to be unflappable and display tremendous aplomb amidst adversity and criticism. Some subsets to this are consistency and follow-through.

I was told by a gentleman I admired that women are intra-competitive pack animals. Mean eg they aren’t wearing make-up for you but to ward off the competition. Making oneself so attractive that it’s intimidating others is a much of a territorial tactic as dudes making themselves fit and unapproachable.

Understanding the Alpha/Beta dynamic is unique yet ubiquitous and abundant throughout the animal kingdom. The beta chooses an alpha for safety and security which means a lot of various things in a modern society. The beta doesn’t want and at times can’t stand up to the pressure of scrutiny from the alpha do to the weighted significance they’ve placed on the relationship. So criticizing your wife regardless of context isn’t wise. I think that’s not an absolute but lies within a spectrum despite my construction of the previous sentence because it is a good maxim.

My wife and I have an understanding about these things and over years of trial and error we’ve constructed a specific way to bring up things based on our needs. I think this checks the box of a solution through leadership. She’d admit that without my attempting to gain control over the insanity we wouldn’t have found a methodology enduring enough to break the cycle. Is it perfect all the time? No, absolutely not. It keeps me from trying to fix her and her from feeling unsatisfied in that aspect. So now we’ve conditioned the relationship to have cues so I’m not playing fucking Clue on what her needs actually are.

Using the staples of consistency in both my approach and demeanor have made the successes we’ve achieved all that much more. If she knows what she’s going to get from me when she confides in me she’s much more likely to be vulnerable which allows us to work past our baser selves. If she’s guarded because she’s unsure or worries about feeling stupid when leaving the conversation we can achieve a more meaningful level of intimacy and trust.

Most people deep down below their glib plate/peg responses or puffed up egos are actually insecure creatures and want love. Women are just a bit more fickle in that they want their reception to be compassionate, consistent, calm and confident.

I think it’s great to create ground rules pertaining to all these types of talks your partner may want to have. That’s the real solution in my opinion and the leadership lies within its execution.

skuttt · 2020-08-11T02:33:38+00:00

You don’t solve the problems you say: I will handle it or I understand you and I have you.

They want to know you have their lives under control. They don’t want to solve it themselves.

With a plate you probs don’t want to so just game it, mirror her or ask her how it makes her feel.

EveryGodDamnDay · 2020-08-11T14:48:29+00:00

I'm trying to find a balance ...

a.k.a. "I don't know what I want. Probably because I don't have enough practice listening to my own desires and going after what i want."

It's been a long time, but i used to waste a lot of energy "trying to find a balance" -- mostly it was the balance of pleasing as many other people as possible, completely without regard for pleasing myself. Why would anybody choose to live like that?

Title	Providing solutions vs leading
Author	Unfugwitable
Upvotes	10
Comments	24
Date	August 10, 2020 2:36 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/i6wkpq/providing_solutions_vs_leading/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/providing-solutions-vs-leading.66990 https://theredarchive.com/post/66990

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