Sex moratorium?

SteelSharpensSteel · 2017-12-26T21:50:33+00:00

My concern is that not having sex with your wife or even overtly/covertly rejecting her due to monk mode will condition her to not want to have sex or initiate sex. Don't punish your wife with no sex if she is in the mood.

GargantuaBlarg29 · 2017-12-27T00:06:50+00:00

It sounds like you're coming at it from a frame of "if I do this...will it work?" Be congruent with what you want. If you are angry and don't want to fuck her, dont. If you think you need to back away to get your head straight without making sex a factor because it's been the ONLY factor so far, do that. If you still want sex but know it's not coming from a place of neediness, fuck her and work on areas that you need work. If it's just an idea you read in a book and you dont really understand why you're doing it...well that's not a plan. Read, decide, do.

crimson_chris · 2017-12-27T00:51:36+00:00

Implementing a sex moratorium will not lead to OI.

Implementing a sex moratorium will not kill your need for validation.

First figure out if mommy or daddy did not hug you enough eventually leading you to a place where you need to have approval from your wife via sex (validation).

Second, kill your ego. Accept the fact that what you hate in others is most likely a reflection of your faults. Learn to be humble and it's not all about you. All of the answers are here in the main sub and on the side bar.

But, fuck when you want to fuck. Don't try to game yourself.

derrickhoardlmft · 2017-12-27T00:28:45+00:00

I'll offer a different perspective. The moratorium on sex is less about you and more about her. At this point, you have probably asked about sex so many times that any actions you take are interpreted by her as "he's just doing this so I will want to have sex with him". So even if you were to tell her "Hey lets not have sex for a while", she will still interpret it as a ploy by you to have more sex. The moratorium is about interrupting that vicious cycle. I guarantee you that, at some point, your wife will want to have sex. Even more, you will know that she really wants to because you haven't been asking. So I suggest doing the moratorium, but without letting her know that its happening. Just stop asking. Along with that, stop doing other things that are thinly veiled attempts at asking such as: avoiding arguments because you don't want to make her mad, not telling her how you feel about something because you don't wanna make her mad, or (the one I loved to do), staying up late at night hoping she will eventually say "oh come on lets get this over with". This comes with a tremendous amount of freedom. You start to act as if you don't care if you have sex. Which is exactly the frame she needs to counter the frame of "All he cares about is sex".

As far as

The fear is that it would leave to an even deader bedroom as it becomes the "new norm”.

It may very well for the time being, but it gives you more time to focus on lifting, doing well by yourself, and focusing on other aspects of your relationship besides sex. That fear and more importantly acting on it is one of the drivers of dead bedrooms in the first place.

Flagfootball99 · 2017-12-26T20:52:31+00:00

That’s where that book fails. Stupid idea. If you want sex , then have sex. If you get a hard no then practice OI.

She feelz “pressured” because she isn’t attracted to you. She’s probably resents you too. She thought she was getting x but got y when she married you .

Are you using kino and flirting through the day? Have to be always using kino (kitchen counter, hallway closet, bathroom, etc) but don’t let it lead to sex. Do some drive bys and then just keep on walking. Is she doing drive bys on you yet ?

She needs to realize that there is a man in the house who wants to fuck her everyday. And once you improve and become that man, she’ll realize that the only thing she has to offer is that pussy...

Nmmng fails miserably with that section.

phd253sll · 2017-12-26T21:59:07+00:00

I’m probably one of the few that thinks a moratorium on sex and initiation can be productive. It does depend on the situation. My wife held a higher SMV than I when we married- I was a mess of unfocused Alpha and white knight beta. We married- had kids- DBR 10 years later- I found Athol Kay’s work and MRP like most of us. That has been 4 years now. I’m grateful every day I found AK/MRP and grateful for the struggle. I grinded to raise my SMV at or near hers. She is a gifted athlete and is blessed with a rock solid body and good looks. The fact is, she never had to hustle to earn/keep a man- and at that point, I wasn’t a man worth hustling for. Add to that she is very conservative and you get a good looking girl with no game at all- married to a guy who thought being married was the finish line. This didn’t matter when we first got married as I lived in her frame and initiated every time we got down. I brought home the $ and was a trustworthy guy, so we muddled along. Unsurprisingly, she grew tired of having another child to take care of, whimpering for attention, and I needed to re-evaluate.

Since finding AK/MRP, I have been able to initiate with success and generally that is good. The sex had been pretty average and rarely strayed from there. I always attributed this to her level of ‘hunger’ and noted the longer I held out from initiating- the more likely she would herself, and she would come with an energy that made the sex much more satisfying for us both. I consciously started tapering my initiations about 2 years ago- when she initiates, I make sure we have a great experience and follow up with lots of kino and attention. There were even times when she would signal availability and I would pass. “Signal availability” is an invitation to maintenance sex. Back in the day- I would jump all over it like a 17 year old. It has worked- she now initiates more, and goes the extra mile to be attractive and get me fired up. Honestly, this is what I was looking for. That was unheard of years ago.

I think refraining from initiating AFTER you reach your SMV goal can help. Only after. This is one way to permanently destroy the patterns of the past and establish new ones. A warning though- I’m 47 and my preference is for good/immersed sex. Quality- not quantity. This road has been very long and it requires lots of discipline. Be cautious how she reads it- you should still be leading/gaming/kino as normal.

I do initiate now, but if I had to look forward to a life of always initiating- I can’t say I would be ok with that. Having someone demonstrate they want you physically is intoxicating like nothing else, and it is a duty shared in a healthy relationship. My wife needed to learn how to do it and I needed to lead her there.

Good luck- YMMV

FossilGuy16 · 2017-12-26T22:40:37+00:00

I attempted to take a 3 month moratorium...stopped after 1 month because it had served its purpose and was at that point making things worse.

I stopped FAP at the same time. It really helped me get over the validation problem, proved to myself that I had control over my sex, showed my wife that I did and then showed me tons of unexpected things I was doing in order to get sex.

I actually flirted with my wife more during the month and she couldn’t associate it with me wanting anything which was good.

I would recommend, although beware she might jump you early on to test your resolve.

BluepillProfessor · 2017-12-27T16:29:25+00:00

wife feels constantly pressured to have sex, and is resistant to physicality of any kind due to fear of making me angry that it doesn't lead to sex, it may also help her relax.

Monk mode can work- or it can screw up everything.

A better option is to approach and not get butthurt when she denies. Simply go do something interesting away from her for a day or two. Eventually she will get the message- or the filed papers.

dcapt46 · 2017-12-28T21:08:12+00:00

Tried a Moritorium, included No Fap. It was successful at proving to her and to me that I could be near her and give touch without it leading to sex. Did it help? Increased my anger at her that she wasn't impressed with my accomplishment. Distanced us from each other because now she felt like I didn't want her.

For me the only thing that broke through that stage was Kino especially when there was no chance of sex. Pushing for sex often and OI when getting hard no. Making sexual jokes and comments often. When she complained that I was 'always' looking for sex etc. I said yes that is who I was and she was just lucky. I agreed and amplified.

screechhater · 2017-12-26T21:09:08+00:00

Read some more of the sidebar before you dive too deep into NMMNG

Look @ the big picture of the book..... realizing you need to get what you can and start absorbing a lot of the sidebar, and there is a lot of info

I would avoid the moratorium and go after what you want, but I would most definitely stop the chore play and nice guy shit

wildnight98 · 2017-12-26T21:32:06+00:00

As a counterpoint, maybe what’s going on is she fears rejecting you because you act out (butthurt) when rejected, so whenever you initiate it causes her stress. Maybe you are on to something with the moratorium idea—keep kino’ing but make it less sexual and less obvious that you want to fuck. Initiate but be totally prepared to be completely happy with rejection. Mine started responding better after I started to continue being happy even—especially—when rejected.

Make sure that you are both captaining and also being the source of fun.

bogeyd6 · 2017-12-26T23:55:12+00:00

Have sex or not. Why is this a big deal for you?

470_2_700_nm · 2017-12-28T14:33:15+00:00

Sure just realize that if you don’t fuck her someone else will.

Title	Sex moratorium?
Author	N_M_M_N_G
Upvotes	2
Comments	25
Date	December 26, 2017 8:39 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/7ma65v/sex_moratorium/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/sex-moratorium.205022 https://theredarchive.com/post/205022

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