Becoming more assertive, and suddenly I'm hated

Zaorish9 · 2014-06-17T18:20:32+00:00

The hardest thing abotu RP for me is walking the line between assertiveness and teasing and being insulting. It takes a lot of getting used to. If you're just starting out, I would be very careful to make sure you're not being a jerk or getting angry.

CarlsPudding · 2014-06-17T18:05:20+00:00

What did you expect? People who take advantage of other people are going to get pissed when the party's over. Fact of life.

throwawayugh243 · 2014-06-17T17:30:14+00:00

Can you give an example?

It's possible that you may come across as bitter which fuels other people to react negatively. If you are assertive but use wit and humor to push them back, people tend to step back. Or it could just be they are bitter and are voicing it. In that case, don't say anything. Keep your ground.

It just depends; we need more context.

Posagi · 2014-06-17T17:46:08+00:00

When people start to work out and stick to a diet, their social circle can become quite hostile. Sometimes it's just a minority, but this is so common, that you will find a lot of stories about it, you might want to look into that, for some examples how to deal with this.

But I guess they have another reason, they profit from your lack of assertion. In that case you just want to cut them off.

[deleted] · 2014-06-17T18:06:52+00:00

This happens to me a lot too. I find a lot of people seem to go out of their way to have confrontation with me since I adopted RP. I try really hard to keep the bitterness/anger down to a minimum, but sometimes when you've been giving your whole live, you got some demons to work out.. and a bone to pick with the world.

caxica · 2014-06-17T19:04:05+00:00

Naturally people dont like it when people whom they have previously abused begin to set boundaries. You were their property and now it's like someone has stolen their property

FinnianWhitefir · 2014-06-17T18:29:44+00:00

I don't agree with the first impression thing. People as they grow up get used to acting a certain way and expecting people to act a certain way. You grew comfortable considering other people more important than yourself, and you picked those people to be around, just like they picked you to be around because they were used to bossing people around and love being around simps. Now that you are changing and getting healthier, they feel uncomfortable and if you met them today you likely wouldn't choose to be around them at all. The girls I dated 10 years ago that felt perfect, I wouldn't give a second thought to today, as they would just come across to me as boring, disconnected, and rejecting. But that is what I was looking for back then. You will find new people who you fit in with better and who like/respect the new healthy you.

Also, I'd recommend some No More Mr Nice Guy. This book really helps explain how to setup boundaries, how to communicate things without exploding, and how to cut all this off at step 1 instead of waiting until you are full of rage.

schoolboyQueue · 2014-06-17T19:51:24+00:00

Stick at it and they'll grow to respect you, they still see you as the doormat you were and find your new behaviour disrespectful coming from a doormat.

mysterioussydney · 2014-06-18T00:22:53+00:00

Maybe because you are new to this you come off a little arrogant or agressive.

Make sure when you stick up for yourself don't get agitated or show emotion.

Your facial expressions may show your frustrations.

Panzer_Geist · 2014-06-17T21:44:53+00:00

People hate change. It's analogous to your pot-smoking loser friends who never work out. They will constantly try to harass you and make fun of you if you're trying to eat right, hit the gym and get some gains.

People are used to seeing you as a pussy. It's extremely difficult to pull of a RP attitude if there is no change of environment/people. Unless it's so gradual that nobody notices you will encounter massive amounts of resistance. Try easing into it if you value those friends and want to keep them around. Do your practice around people who you don't know. Make sure that you do NOT fall back into your old pattern with your friends, however.

Lastly, read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Dr Glover and do the exercises.

Edit: I ended up losing all of my childhood friends after I went to the military. I came back as a totally different person, much more red-pilled than I had ever been. My friends were stuck exactly where they were before I left. It's as if time stood still there. I had nothing in common with them and while we're still "friends". We have no contact and nobody has ever visited me (I live in a different state). It's a fact of life that you will grow apart from most if not all of your childhood friends.

Don't be afraid to end friendships that aren't good for you. It's an "abandonment issue" - people hang out with their frienemies because they are afraid of being alone. Once you've actually been alone you realize that it's not half as bad as you thought.

Manuel_S · 2014-06-17T19:04:42+00:00

Maybe for others you should try being a little more gradual.

smileybird · 2014-06-17T19:19:48+00:00

You may be overcorrecting. People tend to react negatively to someone who takes themselves very seriously. Try to approach all things with a light touch.

My high school lit teacher had a great insight relating to this. He said there is never a good reason to be "offended" by what someone else says. You can either agree or disagree, but don't let emotions enter the mix. I think you can apply this to your relationships: agree or disagree with the way someone treats you. Be calm but firm, and leave anger out of it.

formerbptherapist · 2014-06-18T18:35:01+00:00

What you do is remain consistent like granite. When you become who you want to be, who you were meant to be as a man, people will react to the change negatively or positively...sometimes both. This moment is your opportunity to really practice maintaining frame. None of that matters in isolation. This is where it counts for anything. Embrace the challenhe, and be the rock.

ohsweetword · 2014-06-17T19:43:02+00:00

It's better to be pissed off than pissed on. You could handle it better, but it's still a favorable position then being a doormat.

People don't like it when they don't get their way. And that's ok. You need to be ok with people not liking you in life.

Hyooge · 2014-06-17T19:52:07+00:00

People don't like change. I had a female friend who I used to be quite generous to with food. I would give her some whenever she asked. As soon as I denied her my food she got heated and told me I used to "be so nice" as if I have somehow become not nice because I'm got giving away my food.

There is always some difficulty when you fling from one end of the spectrum to the other and people find it very hard to adapt to and you will face a lot of obstruction from people who cannot accept you changing.

However there is always the possibility that you're just being a dick and thinking you're being assertive. There is a fine-line between the two in the eyes of most people.

rickaboy · 2014-06-17T21:19:40+00:00

People in general don't like change. If people are used to you behaving one way, and then you suddenly start acting another way… People in general won't like that.

Have read some of your other comments and it seems like you're having trouble communicating in the correct manner anyways.

commentasaurus1989 · 2014-06-17T21:39:30+00:00

Those people you had around you kept you because they could push you.

Now you don't budge, and you don't serve a purpose for them.

Keep moving forward making new relationships and improving, and people will begin to surround you, because you have something new to offer them.

kick6 · 2014-06-18T15:01:17+00:00

People don't like change. They're going to try to fit you back into the nice, comfy, unchanging version of you they're comfortable with.

It's the same principle that makes TRP so hard to swallow: TRP requires self-improvement which is change, and most people don't want to do it.

W_O_M_B_A_T · 2014-06-19T04:46:54+00:00

You work with bullies. Get a new job or possibly get transferred to a different department if that is an option.

Do things that are in your job description to do. Solve problems that are in your JD to solve. Disregard personal requests from your coworkers completely and don't make eye contact with them.

Prioritize what the person who gives you your paycheck tells you to do. Anything else described in your job can be done afterwards.

Ditch any of your "friends" that are bitchy or bullies.

If you have family members that are bullies or bitches, contact them as them as little as possible. Boredom and non-response is the weapon against bullies and bitches.

Willybomber1 · 2014-06-19T15:48:34+00:00

I say something different:

I say fuck "quitting your Job / leaving town".

You go nowhere. You stay and fight.

You show your teeth and let nobody walk over you. You think it will be different in another town/another job?

... an advice a old aged friend gave me once: "You take yourself with you. Doesn`t matter where you go.".

You stay and show your teeth. Until they respect you or only talk behind your back, too afraid of confrontation with you.

Then you can leave your town. Happily knowing that you dominated the bullshit in it.

All the best mate.

Title	Becoming more assertive, and suddenly I'm hated
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	25
Comments	51
Date	June 17, 2014 5:26 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/28dv20/becoming_more_assertive_and_suddenly_im_hated/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/becoming-more-assertive-and-suddenly-im-hated.140337 https://theredarchive.com/post/140337

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