She always seems very into me. Seems very very sweet and IS very kind-hearted. But, as you'll see AWALT mother fucker.

After fucking her good, and dropping her at home, I get a FB message from her. She left her phone.

So of course I go through her texts and what do I find? She's planning on going to a pool party bbq with some douchebag the next day, then bailing on him to attend a social function where I'll be. Classy.

Let's rewind: She was a plate I was fucking. I said LJBF because I felt she was looking for a LTR, because I felt she adored me, and because I cared for her and I didn't want to be an asshole and I didn't see it working between us for an LTR. We end up hooking up again 2 or 3 weeks later - at her drunken insistence.

Note that in the time apart, we both fuck 1 other person. I realize now she had that guy on the hook before I LJBF her, making me realize that I was projecting princess status onto her. To her credit, she told me not to make any decisions based on her feelings; only act based on my feels. She was pissed at me that I was breaking it off out of my concern for her feelings. The truth of it is that I broke it off because I was concerned that I was getting too emotionally invested.

Anyway, so we get back to hooking up once or twice a week (and seeing each other in social situations a bit more than that.). Then, one Tuesday night we have mind-blowing 3-hour sex marathon. She says, "I lost track of how many times you made me come". She texts afterwards "thanks for the epic night".

THE NEXT FUCKING DAY, she gets a text from douchebag, who apparently picked up her number off a cold approach, asking if she wants to go for a walk. "That sounds lovely"

The next day, she tells me, "we need to talk". And, to her credit, tells me she went on this date and asks for where we stand. I ask her how the date was. "It was more of a friend vibe." I'm not concerned because I have another plate in-bound, and I get the feel she wants to turn this guy into an orbiter, and so I say "do what you feel is right". And then we go park the truck up somewhere semi-private and fuck crazy style for an hour of foreplay plus hour of sex and BJ time.

THE NEXT FUCKING DAY she get's that text inviting her to the pool party bbq (for the following day). She responds "I'd love to". That night we fuck like mad again, again in my truck. That's when she leaves her phone and I read the texts.

The next day she presumably goes to pool party BBQ and then sees me at my social function.

I'm feeling bad for her now, when I see her at the social function. Like this poor girl is needing to get her comfort from this dude who's obviously trying to get in her pants because I'm not giving her enough comfort. So I kiss her privately when I first see her. I take her to the bar for a couple drinks. A little chat. I make out with her a little. Tell her I had a dream where I realized I should start being nicer to her (which is true). I really have played pretty severe dread game on her - what with talking about my other plate, calling her a stupid slut when we have sex, not communicating hardly at all when we're apart. It's all felt natural to me so far, because when I get down to it, I haven't really felt much sincere emotion for her beyond sexual. But, now, I'm feeling...

Next day, today, I go to her place for a skype business meeting. I notice her bathing suit drying in the shower. I remember the texts I read. I get FEELS. Really bad.

After the meeting I just lie on her bed and she lies next to me, looking at me adoringly. She always seems so into me. And then I pull her into me so she's resting on my arm. And I feel her real love pouring out of her heart and towards me.

And at the same time I know that she may already be scheduled to see douchebag later today or tomorrow or the next day. That she cares for me, but that AWALT, that she needs attention and validation and it feels good for this guy to be texting after her so she's going to keep showing up, and eventually, he's probably going to isolate her and fuck the shit out of her. Especially once my incoming plate shows up in town.

And the intensity of it all creeps up on me and I start crying. And then I start wailing. And she's just there for me. And I tell her all this sappy shit, that's true. That, at this point, I'll always care for her no matter what. That I appreciate her. That blah blah blah. That I'm sorry for being an asshole.

Her: "do you want to talk about your feelings" me: "no" her: "okay"

And afterwards, I hold her and then she starts crying. Not as bad as me, but a good amount. And I hold her.

Me: "do you want to talk about your feelings?" her: "no" me: "ok"

we both kind of smile and laugh a little

And eventually she gets uncomfortable and creates space.

And I match it. And increase it. And then she hugs me and I hug her. And I say I should go. And she agrees. And we hug goodbye.

It felt like we were breaking up or something. This fucking lifestyle man. Crazy making.

Edited To Add A Summary:

Basically, I was emotionally turmoiled over the fact that I know she's hanging out with another guy and semi-concealing it from me (read her texts), and broke down crying in front of her. But I never said what I was upset about. Or discussed it. After I let her have her cry, I left. Part of me goes back to Mystery's theory that women are attracted to a man who can emote. And part of me goes back to the fact that I have never given her much positive encouragement or anything beyond aloofness. So based on that I don't think I'm totally fucked.

But what now? What happens when you do fuck up and whine, or in my case, cry like a bitch? Do I just pretend like it never happened?

UPDATE:

Thanks for the graphic descriptions of how my beta behavior will have affected her vaginal fluids. ETA: My favorite quote was "you might as well pack her pussy full of hot desert sand and throw a baby cactus in there too."

See my comment below for an understanding of the fact that I'm not a noob or blue pill. Who I am is different from what I did in this one particular instance. Of course, I agree with all your assessments about how this will have killed attraction, in my comments below I explain why this might not be the worst thing in the world, ETA: and why it might even have some benefits. But I also agree with all of you that I DID FUCK UP. I know that. I appreciate you telling me why, what the impacts will be and how I can address the immediate situation and/or do better next time, but telling me I fucked up - yeah I knew that.

ALSO, here's the latest text convo:

Me: "We need to spend some time apart. Plans for tonight and tomorrow are cancelled" (we had a really "nice" beta day planned for tomorrow; after realizing how much power I just lost, I wasn't feeling like I could give her attention from a strong frame, so I cancelled plans)

Her: "I don't know if I want to say Fuck You or come over and punch you in the face"

So as you can see, she is still on the hook. We have been at this for a long time. She is not my one-itis. It will never work out long term between us and I have told her that innumerable times. I'm glad to see some of her spunk come out. She is always so passive. Though of course, I'm wondering how to respond to this new situation. New plate comes in on Saturday... Any thoughts?

Update:

Me: "That's fair"

Her: "Yeah. Cause fucking fair has played so much into our situation"