Conversation tips for a social newbie?

NickTDS · 2012-02-23T19:51:14+00:00

The best piece of advice anyone will give you is to talk to everyone. Cashiers, baristas, girls you meet on the train, girls at bars, the toll booth guy, whoever. You need the constant exposure and experience to build those skills.

You provably don't have trouble riffing with your friends and family. Why? Because you're used to it, you don't give a shit if you say something stupid, and you're not consciously thinking about what to say next. It likely just comes to you naturally. You need to turn off your logical brain, listen, and feel the conversation. It takes time to get there.

You're saying hi and asking basic questions like what's their favorite show. Why not notice something about them, your environment, or what they're doing. Why not try being direct and telling a girl you thought she was cute? Do you actually give a crap about her favorite tv show? I doubt it.

Women can sense when you're being disingenuous. Talk about topics that get you passionate. If you're excited, she'll get excited, too.

Keep experimenting and find out what works best for you. Don't care about the outcome right now, just enjoy the experience. Your results will improve as you get more comfortable and confident in those moments.

I've posted these before but take a look at my guides on the basics of approaching and being a better conversationalist. They should give you some ideas and a foundation to work from. Best of luck!

dweckl · 2012-02-23T22:24:11+00:00

Married guy here, and I read these forums to better my understanding of people and communication. I also have a lot of experience with cognitive behavioral therapy.

A lot of the social-improvement programs focus on developing "inner game," or self-esteem, or "confidence," or something similarly phrased that refers generally to the way you perceive yourself. This forum is directed at a particular angle of that idea: how you perceive yourself with respect to your interactions, relationships, and views concerning women.

If I can make a guess - and it's just a guess, I could be wrong - I'd say that you perhaps have certain negative or limiting thoughts about conversation with people in general. The tips you receive here are great, and I would suggest another approach. Think about what you are thinking or saying to yourself as you are communicating with someone that you don't flow with. Try and identify the negative or detrimental thoughts you're having. I would guess that they may include the following:

I don't have anything interesting to say.
We don't have anything in common.
I need to come across as collected and calm.
This person probably thinks I'm weird.
I need to say something.

The exercise of just engaging lots of people in conversation may help you defeat these thoughts and stop them completely. That's really the behavior angle of cognitive behavioral therapy. It also might help for you to cognitively address your worries about conversation in general, and rationally challenge whether your concerns, worries, and self-limiting beliefs about conversation are: (1) at all true; (2) something that give you any benefit whatsoever if you listen to them and give them credence; or (3) are distorted, irrational, hyperbolic, exaggerated, or otherwise unreliable thoughts that pass through your mind.

What I just wrote is a bit formal, so I'll be more casual in explaining what I'm getting at: write down what you think about conversations, what your fears are, your worries, your negative thoughts. Then look at what you've written and see whether they are true. If those thoughts are false, or if they cannot be proven either way, then try and release them from your mind. Understand that they are just thoughts, they could be false, and they could be overblown, and allow yourself to have the thoughts but don't give them any legs when they pop up.

This exercise, coupled with getting out there, might just help you release something that's holding you back.

Just my two cents, hope it helps a bit.

healxph0enix · 2012-02-23T20:55:40+00:00

Dude just dive in-- you will fuck up. A lot. Girls will turn you down, A lot. They will look at your hand when you offer it, as if it is the most disgusting thing they have ever seen-- you will be ridiculed, made fun of, talked down to, maybe given the phone number once or twice out of pity only not to reply... But in the end, you will no longer give a fuck. it will be a long, hard frustrating road-- and sometimes after you have approached a girl and shot you down yet again, you will feel like giving up.

Don't.

Eventually, you will no longer care. Then, you will be ready to take your exam and become a real jedi knight.

tl;dr; open with whatever you want. talk about alien invasions, the latest fashion, the fucking weather if you like. If she is interested in you, she will engage. if not, fuck it.

edit: also, questions should go into /r/askseddit. :)

healxph0enix · 2012-02-24T07:59:59+00:00

[permanently deleted]

2012-02-24T20:25:42+00:00

http://www.reddit.com/r/askseddit/comments/gkia7/its_not_that_i_have_aa_its_just_that_i_really/c1omhge

Try the technique known as conversation threading. After I learned that technique I was amazed that I could carry on long conversations with people without seeming awkward.

heckz · 2012-02-23T21:04:46+00:00

ask people "why?" questions

healxph0enix · 2012-02-24T01:00:10+00:00

Not exactly advice and would like some other input here. This topic of conversation has been discussed over and over on Seddit, I've read tips here and there, but I still suck at it, so might as well post.

I have tried talking to more people. But here are some of the issues I've encountered, "roadblocks" as you might call them.

I can't stay that calm when I'm in front of another human being. My mind races. My eye contact might break unintentionally here and there out of nervousness. Sometimes I might truly be relaxed and in the moment, mind free of clutter, but that rarely happens. I am, by default, a bit too self-conscious, so a lot of the times when it's my turn to speak, I start talking about myself. Too much "I" and too little "you". The person I'm talking to has a harder time continuing the conversation.
Unless I am calm and in a good mood, I'm not good at making witty or spontaneous comments. Due to a lack of this ability, I find it uncomfortable to speak up most of the time. I know the basics of how to have a good conversation, like threading, or fleshing out more details, or diving deeper... etc. but a lot of the times I just can't generate better things to say.

It feels like I am in the wrong social mode at the wrong time.

There is a time to be interested in the other person, but for some reason things still don't click that well. Most of the time, even in 1 on 1 conversations, there doesn't seem to be enough time or physical space to allow these deep rapport-building, "why?" conversations.

Most of the time socializing is most important in group situations, where its important you speak up from time to time to avoid being labelled as quiet, and so more effort is required to follow the vibe of the conversation and the energy levels.

JustPikey · 2012-02-24T03:05:27+00:00

I like to stay away from talking about music when first getting to know someone. Too much chance for ingenuity or worry of judgement.

IMJGalt · 2012-02-24T15:43:05+00:00

learning to conversate.

NO, JUST NO.

Title	Conversation tips for a social newbie?
Author	healxph0enix
Upvotes	31
Comments	35
Date	February 23, 2012 6:29 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/q2tc7/conversation_tips_for_a_social_newbie/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/conversation-tips-for-a-social-newbie.1328782 https://theredarchive.com/post/1328782

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