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[–][deleted] 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
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[–]Calamity__Bane 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Not a market-optimal strategy, the opportunity cost is too high.
[–]cobraCL 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
From an opportunity perspective, I agree fully. I'm not against this approach to dating, but it crosses an internal code of conduct for me individually.
[–]Calamity__Bane 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Fair enough
[–]nevertextgoodnight 10 points11 points12 points 4 years ago (22 children) | Copy Link
Yes it's normal unless your girl has asked you to be exclusive
Until SHE brings it up, and you agree, you're both single
You see the problem is many guys go on 1 or 2 dates and start treating her like a girlfriend. That is not how things work and that is also why she disappears
[–]gibby7277 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (16 children) | Copy Link
So in other words, I'm probably the only one that automatically assumes exclusivity from the get go. That could explain quite a bit lmfao
[–]Girl_shout 7 points8 points9 points 4 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link
Assuming exclusivity from the get-go is wayyy too soon and very overwhelming for the other person. This is how situation-ships end real quick.
The reason being is because that other person barely knows anything about you, and may still be exploring other potential partners. You don't go exclusive right out the gate. Thats like telling someone, "I know you don't know me at all, but could you stop talking to everyone so we can eventually be together?" - that other person might have baggage, or trust issues, or psychiatric issues, etc.
It's naive to go exclusive so soon, and barely anyone does that anymore.
[–]gibby7277 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Hell at this point I'm genuinely questioning if I even know what a date is in the modern age and I'm only 21. Like what's next, I'm gonna hear that a modern "date" is defined by going over to fuck and leaving directly afterwards? Do people even go out to dinner or movies for a date anymore? The way relationships seem these days is so boring I haven't even tried to make a move on anyone in ages because it's just become so obvious how disconnected from reality I've become
[–]Girl_shout -1 points0 points1 point 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes, people go on dates. All. The. Time. Not everyone who's single sleeps around. And if we do, who cares? People like to get laid!
[–]gibby7277 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
I don't see it as naive, I see it as caring enough about the other person to not want to hurt them like that because I know how i'd feel if it were reversed. Idk maybe I just don't have a solid grasp of what a relationship is supposed to be. Besides, all you hear about is women who want a loyal guy who doesn't talk to anyone else, but I'm not so sure how accurate or realistic that even is these days. Regardless I don't just fuck around like that, whether I'm single or dating, not my style, and I'm going to feel cheated on if someone I'm seeing tells me she went and fucked some random person the other day
[–][deleted] 4 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]gibby7277 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Well the main point I'm getting from this, is I evidently either shouldn't hold other people to the same moral standards I hold myself to, or I should lower my own sense of moral standards because nobody else expects that from me
[–]Girl_shout 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Hey, thats fine! If you wanna tell a girl upfront what your intentions are, you like to be exclusive right away, you do you. Hopefully she feels the same way.
But keep in mind, no one is "morally" wrong for getting to know more than 1 person. That's what dating is for.
[–][deleted] 4 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]gibby7277 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I'm just trying to get a more realistic view of how others view things. I didn't realize the way I view things probably makes me look like one giant psychotic red flag, but again, this is why I don't make moves on girls these days. This is rather discouraging though, as this means my perception of reality is much more disconnected than I thought, and there are likely many other things that I've considered true my whole life that aren't anywhere close to the truth
I dont believe my system is the only system to run by. I encouraged OP to use his way.
[–]maxpossimpible 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Different cultures...
[–]Woujo 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Why the fuck would you assume exclusivity from the beginning? It takes a while to get to know somebody.
[–]gibby7277 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Well I don't fuck around when I start seeing someone. It doesn't even cross my mind because I respect the other person enough to not do that to them.
[–]Shadow__Account 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Dont do that, I’d even say assume she is seeing others even if she is not. You have to take the dynamics of how things are nowadays into account. Even if you don’t agree with them. These dynamics make the progression of a relationship change in a way that there is a longer period of less investment. If you ignore this you will end up emotionally overinvesting and getting needy and scaring the other away and being left frustrated. The best thing to deal with this seems to be to have different leads at all times to keep you from overinvesting, ofcourse at a certain point moment if you eventually want exclusivity this needs to stop but like it has been said it’s usually smartest to let a women bring this up.
[–]gibby7277 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
If I assume she's seeing others, I'm going to immediately lose interest. It's a massive trust thing for me
[–]Shadow__Account 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Id say it’s you being scared of losing to someone else and her leaving you for them. Just a thought but imo worth examining if it applies to you, if it does it’s a scarcity mindset that will give you a lot of problems down the line, when we think from that scarcity mindset we want to “own” someone else and we often feel like a relationship is an agreement we made and discard that it’s a dynamic feelings based thing especially for women. So when they break up with us because they don’t feel it anymore we even get mad at them because they “broke the trust of the agreement” she had sex with others before you and she will have sex with others after you and she likes sex and not just with you these are just cold truths. Also when you start dating you start to get to know someone, already making commitments is very unhealthy, since you can’t know someone in 1 or 2 dates so all those feelings you already have for someone is projection it’s you being needy for love and projecting that on someone. Also something that will give you problems guaranteed. This is why girls feel pressured and suffocated by guys and get creeped out. They focus on their own life first and having fun experiences and here comes a guy that seemingly has nothing going on and after meeting for an hour is in love with them and basically wants to be with her and is obsessed with her, while he barely knows her. There is no fun in that anymore there is no challenge there is so much overinvestment that it doesn’t make any sense for her to invest anything back, she’ll probably just be occupied by holding the guy off to be able to live her own life. All the playfulness all the flirting all the fun, gone, just pressure and expectations and she’ll feel guilty for not being able to answer the neediness and start flaking, lying or finding excuses to not make you feel bad. All bad feelings for her.
Are you saying relationships these days generally start as fwb or something? That goes against everything I've ever known
[–]nevertextgoodnight 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
A date is a romantic opportunity for sex to happen
First dates don't always end in sex, but the second or third is normal to take it that way
A date is not dinner. A date is not movies. A date is spending romantic time with someone you're sexually attracted to regardless the details
If I have a girl come over and we listen to music, have sex and she cuddles to me afterwards that is a date. That's an awesome fucking date actually.
Then she goes home and maybe next time I'm hungry so I ask her to come to dinner with me because I love spending time with beautiful, interesting women. We talk, have a good time, go back to my place listen to music and have romance
Maybe we go hiking. And after we come back and shower together etc you get where I'm headed
After a couple months of this a relationship will naturally be forming. The man is just living his life. Take it or leave it. The woman is curious as to what's their actual status and she brings it up...
[–]norwegiandoggo 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
The guy can also bring it up though. It's not a rule that women have to bring it up first
[–]150420throwaway 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
So basically I’m not made for this (de)generation?
[–][deleted] 3 points4 points5 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
If you’re not in a relationship it’s not cheating.
[–]norwegiandoggo 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Yes it's super normal. In fact it's the most normal way to date. You don't have any agreement of exclusivity unless you've discussed it up directly. Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups. If you go around assuming people you date will be exclusive just because they went out for coffee with you, or even a one night stand with you, then you're going to have a hard time.
[–]150420throwaway 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Hard reality that I will need to get my head around. Not OP, just someone who is very inexperienced and doesn’t put himself out there too much
So do relationships these days start as fwb these days or something? That goes against pretty much everything I've ever known about relationships, although it would explain a fair bit about my last two. They probably never even considered me a boyfriend to begin with...
So do relationships these days start as fwb these days or something?
Some do, some don't. I'd say it's about 50/50, or maybe even more common to start out as FWB. The point is that if you want an exclusive relationship you have to discuss it. You have to DTR: Define The Relationship. Talk about what you want and what you expect. Do not assume anything. Talk about it.
If you learn anything from this is
Do not assume
Talk about it.
Communication is the bedrock of any relationship. If you don't talk about things explicitly then you have no idea what's going on.
Cheating is defined as breaking agreed upon rules of fidelity between you two. If you have not agreed upon any rules of fidelity, then in my opinion, cheating cannot happen. You can only be cheated on if you two have already defined what constitutes cheating.
[–]Contango6969 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
No that’s not normal. Although i have done it I wouldn’t have told anyone about it
[–]CocoBabeNYC -1 points0 points1 point 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It's not normal not to do it.
[–]Canadian-Seductioner -1 points0 points1 point 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes
[–]Calamity__Bane -1 points0 points1 point 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah it’s normal
[–]Ryu_Saki -1 points0 points1 point 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes atleast where I live and has been normal for quite some years now.
[–]FaithInStrangers94 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I do it only because I’ve have women stand me up and disappear etc so I don’t get too invested for a while for my own mental well-being but I still feel a bit shitty about it, however I still my conscience by reminding myself that they’re probably doing the same thing
I can't really settle my conscience that way. My conscience tends to rely on the idea even if I'm not perfect, I can take comfort in the fact that I'm not lowering myself to the same level as those who would do just that without a thought for the other person
[–]FaithInStrangers94 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah but the core difference is that I don’t see it as a betrayal or infidelity in any form, just like someone who tells you they’re interested in buying your car and then says sorry they’ve found a better one just before they’re set to arrive
[–]mtgxbuster 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It's part of the new norm. It's like we're back in the 60's and 70's and it's free love all over again. And it is amazing! Some people are content with having one partner, others would rather have a variety and not be held down by some stupid social norm.
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[–][deleted] (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]Calamity__Bane 2 points3 points4 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]cobraCL 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Calamity__Bane 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]nevertextgoodnight 10 points11 points12 points (22 children) | Copy Link
[–]gibby7277 1 point2 points3 points (16 children) | Copy Link
[–]Girl_shout 7 points8 points9 points (9 children) | Copy Link
[–]gibby7277 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Girl_shout -1 points0 points1 point (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]gibby7277 0 points1 point2 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]gibby7277 0 points1 point2 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]Girl_shout 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]gibby7277 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Girl_shout 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]maxpossimpible 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Woujo 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]gibby7277 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Shadow__Account 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]gibby7277 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Shadow__Account 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]gibby7277 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]nevertextgoodnight 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]norwegiandoggo 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]150420throwaway 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]norwegiandoggo 2 points3 points4 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]150420throwaway 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]gibby7277 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]norwegiandoggo 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Contango6969 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]CocoBabeNYC -1 points0 points1 point (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Canadian-Seductioner -1 points0 points1 point (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Calamity__Bane -1 points0 points1 point (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Ryu_Saki -1 points0 points1 point (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]FaithInStrangers94 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]gibby7277 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]FaithInStrangers94 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]mtgxbuster 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link