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[–]reversedbydark 27 points28 points29 points 4 years ago (25 children) | Copy Link
The best way to build confidence is to look/feel good. Get a haircut, some nice clothes and a great perfume maybe even a nice watch.
Flirting isn't about what you say, it's how you say it.
Feel free to ignore the other comments who got it all wrong.
[–]thelambofdeth 17 points18 points19 points 4 years ago (24 children) | Copy Link
I'm in the best shape of my life, I wear 300$ TF cologne, I have a tag Hauer watch, a wardrobe straight from high fashion Paris, I'm tall, I groom, etc and I still literally cannot approach women. Oftentimes the external isn't enough to gain confidence.
[–]reversedbydark 7 points8 points9 points 4 years ago (15 children) | Copy Link
Good for you bud.
What kind of social circle do you have? If you have all this value in your life girls should be approaching you as well.
Gaining confidence essentialy boils down to doing cool shit on your own/with friends to spark attraction and to show of how cool you are to girls and yourself.
You get what I'm saying?
[–]thelambofdeth 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (13 children) | Copy Link
I have some friends that are legitimately cool, but all they really do is go to bars. There's a bunch of things I'd like to do, but I'd be doing it alone and I have social anxiety.
And lol I rarely get approached. Only at like dive bars. On the few occasions I do get approached the women are attractive, but it's once in a blue moon. Not to mention I'm black and I have a resting bitch face so...
Yeah, I get that. But it's a bit more difficult when you friends are boring and you have servere social anxiety that prevents you from doing the cool things you'd like to do.
[–]reversedbydark 7 points8 points9 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I understand pal, but right now the only thing that is stopping you from being the kinda guy you want to be is yourself. (I know it's corny but it's the truth)
Regarding your friends just talk to them while out. Tell them that it would be cool if you guys got away for a weekend from the city or wherever.
If they don't want to do it try finding others who would. A dear person to me wanted to go to Iceland really badly but nobody in her social circle wanted to so she started planing it by herself and made great friends along the way.
Sometime life just happens to work out...but it's not going to if you don't do anything about it.
Regarding social anxiety...just take it one step at a time. You don't have to be social maniac to talk to people...I know this for a fact cos I wasn't either.
I mean how do you get good at anything man? Study & practice...that's what I did & over time it became who I was.
There's no better feeling becoming who you really want to be.
[–]Big_Booty_Bois 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link
Have you tried using meetup? To just talk to people
[–]thelambofdeth 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link
I've always heard meet ups are just full of dudes with barely any women, and the few there will just be hounded by the guys there... But beyond that, everyone else there will know each other...and I won't. So that dynamic will just make me more introverted which will make it seem like I'm disinterested and being distant which just leads to a bad cycle on both ends.
[–]oreopimp 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
Just try something next time you are out, doesn't matter if you are attracted to the girl or not (better if you are) -- just do it to 50%-100% of women you come across:
Don't worry about conversation. You can lightly touch them on the shoulder or arm as you walk up and just saying something like the above and then walk on as if you were heading to your friends or the bathroom. Sometimes you will be pulled into conversation other times not, but you'll get used to going up and saying something direct and adapting your mind to realizing just how perfectly natural and how good it feels to make others feel good...then you can imagine how much better off others will be once you find your stride and they really get to know you.
[–]thelambofdeth 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
Yeah...I can't go out to a tipsy girl at the bar and ask what she's drinking...no way I could touch some random girl and tell her she's beautiful...Especially if she's attractive. I'm not even saying its bad advice bc I can logistically see how just giving someone a genuine compliment and expecting nothing in return is just...well pragmatic. But yeah...not in my wheelhouse. I'd be too anxious and just think they'd deem me weird or creepy.
[–]oreopimp 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Only thing stopping you is yourself. You have a lot of damning self-talk even in your comment to me. The exercise I mentioned should be like a breathe of fresh air, so easy as there are not expectations beyond it.
If you're not weird or creepy...you might want to look into re-framing the way you view your interactions with others. Makes me sad that you have that mindset my man, wish I could magic wand it away for you
[–]thelambofdeth 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
The exercise I mentioned should be like a breathe of fresh air, so easy as there are not expectations beyond it.
To me it's terrifying lol. I think a tall, stoic black guy in an all black suit going around tapping girls on the shoulder telling them they're beautiful wouldn't be recieved too well anyway, tbh...If I looked like Armie Hammer or something...sure..
I don't think I come off as weird or creepy...but I do some off as aloof as disingenuous, which isn't exactly intuitive given the situation. If I could reframe I totally would and I wish I could just hand wave it away...beleive me.
[–]Big_Booty_Bois 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Well you can see the people who are there before you agree to sign up. And ima be real, you aren’t gonna learn just doing what you have been doing, so before going into something with a defeatist mindset, hop on, try it out, and just make friends, even if they are dudes. Maybe meet girls through them after you get pals. Get yourself to a point where a women’s opinion of you doesn’t matter cause you know you are loved. Practice small, be upbeat, start conversations with waitresses, women at a grocery store. No need to flirt, just have fun:)
[–]thelambofdeth 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah but that list is just members or people who claim they'll be there. The roster of people actually there could greatly differ. And yeah, you're right...doing literally nothing won't help my situation, but it's just very particular. I can talk to guys, or cashiers, or old ladys or women I don't find attractive. It's when I find women attractive I can't interact with them. And idk, in my experience it's harder to meet women through other guys than people let one. Especially guys you haven't been friends with long. A lot of guys gatekeep women they know, especially if they're moderately attractive.
[–]ddrj 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
These guys don't know what they're talking about. It's the same GQ advice they parrot about wearing better clothes, cologne, getting a social circle or doing activities like rock climbing lol.
This is going to be the best advice you're gonna get : "the feelings of confidence only come after the actions of confidence". People are often resistant to doing things that frighten us. But if it was easy, everyone would be doing it. Take action first and then you'll feel confident.
[–]thelambofdeth 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
But you need confidence to take the action in the first place...it's a catch 22.
[–]ddrj -1 points0 points1 point 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
No you don't. You don't think about it. You just do. Like jumping into a cold lake. Inching bit by bit doesn't help and only prolongs the inevitable. You just jump right in
That doesn't work when you have anxiety and low self-esteem.
[–]IamZimbra 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Most women I know would be intimidated or turned off by the try hardness of this bit.
It's not "try hardness". I legitimately have an interest in high fashion and I bought and did all those things to mitigate my lack of self-esteem. I'm not bragging only demonstrating that I've done all the work people commonly recommend and it makes no difference.
[–]TheRiverOfDyx 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I’m in that same boat
[–]thelambofdeth -1 points0 points1 point 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You would think all that self-improvement would make a difference with women, but it doesn't seem to.
[–]HungDaddyNYC 24 points25 points26 points 4 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Talk to strangers in line/wherever. Treat them as human beings.
[–][deleted] 6 points7 points8 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Ask 100 girls the time. This will get you over approach anxiety
[–]IamZimbra 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Also good advice.
Good advice. Also you need to accept the fact you will get rejected a lot and that’s ok. On to tomorrow’s girls.
[–]TheRiverOfDyx 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Treat oneself as a human being, more like. I think social anxiety comes from not feeling like you belong to humanity, so anything you do would be weird. It’s kinda alienating.
[–]brendanm420 11 points12 points13 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Just start complimenting random people and the confidence will eventually come it’s all just mind games it ain’t that deep, no one’s going to get mad if you say something nice about them, people love attention.
[–]ld20r 5 points6 points7 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Forget about girls for a second and go out and do something your afraid of.
I have a fear of heights for example but started to get on top of that by visiting skyscrapers and also travelling in a helicopter.
You don’t have to do those things but the point is that you need to find objectives that scare you and use that as a challenge to grow and become more confident. This will build your character and ultimately your confidence and how you view yourself.
On a more practical note one really good way to get good at approaching women is approaching Everybody. Your friends, family, pets, neighbour down the street, shopkeeper etc
Get used to forming conversations and interacting with people in general and then you can take those experiences and learnings to improve your conversations and interactions when you are talking to women.
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You just have to establish the mindset that she will reciprocate your energy or convince yourself she will find you attractive and think that this flirting could improve your chances hehe
[–]Minute-Lie-2287 4 points5 points6 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Id suggest an acting class. You'll have have to do goofy shit in front of people/ with people and you'll have to totally let go. Along with a range of other skills you'll pick up to use.
[–]dobbs1997 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Not being afraid of “rejection”
[–]handcuffjumpingjacks 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Hello friend, hope this helps: Bring yourself to a mental place where you've got nothing at stake.
Meditate on your situation, all of the positive aspects of your life, all the privileges you enjoy, and of of the resources at your disposal.
What will be there when you get home? Who do you have that you can count on?
Even something you decide, which is not a given, can help to stabilize your mindset; for example, deciding what to have for breakfast the next day.
Consider that, regardless of anything that happens, tomorrow will be another day. You'll wake up and get another chance to take on each new morning. There is no rush, and no pressure today. Try to try again later, better than before.
When you really internalize that life is long and that there really isn't any hurry, confidence comes easy. Try and try again. It's gonna be alright, buddy :)
[–]b_a_d_r0b0t 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Be tall, white and rich.
[–]Xombie0991 -2 points-1 points0 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It’s not that scary dude
[–]kshades25 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Start talking to people of all ages to get the dynamic of a good conversation down. After, hang out with a dude who has game. Observe and try to mimic his behaviors, but add your own spice to it. Realize you will succeed but there are girls yoi may not click with..no big deal...there are plenty of women in this world.
[–]socialanimal_us 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You just need a healthier relationship with your desire https://youtu.be/bZAgGiDf2lo and you need to relate https://youtu.be/g9msqcQedsQ
[–]waybetter94 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
For me, I watched a lot of Craig Ferguson and Russel Brand's clips with flirting techniques. It actually gave me a lot of confidence and a little more wit.
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Just be normal and able to hold a conversation. All that expensive shit can only get you so far.
[–]Able-Maybe8813 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I’m an older dude and I’ve been where your at! It’s only the first couple times!! You just need to do it no matter how scared you are! It’s a yes or a no! If it’s a yes that will give you confidence! Two things I’ve learned and over time you will too is: they want it just as bad as we do if not more and two: there was once a baseball player named babe Ruth he was the home run king for a long time but he also struck out more then any heavy hitter so it only goes to show that you gotta get up to the plate and do your best!!!
You don’t need confidence. They are not monsters. Just treat them like mortals.
read models, maybe the perspective it offers is enough to make yours shift and find easier to approach women.
[–]Mr_ambitiouz 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You have to flirt first to become confident. You'll get rejected a lot of times but you'll succeed in a few, and those few successes are the one that makes you confident. Then you'll know that you did it before and you can do it again
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[–]reversedbydark 27 points28 points29 points (25 children) | Copy Link
[–]thelambofdeth 17 points18 points19 points (24 children) | Copy Link
[–]reversedbydark 7 points8 points9 points (15 children) | Copy Link
[–]thelambofdeth 1 point2 points3 points (13 children) | Copy Link
[–]reversedbydark 7 points8 points9 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Big_Booty_Bois 1 point2 points3 points (11 children) | Copy Link
[–]thelambofdeth 2 points3 points4 points (10 children) | Copy Link
[–]oreopimp 2 points3 points4 points (7 children) | Copy Link
[–]thelambofdeth 0 points1 point2 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]oreopimp 1 point2 points3 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]thelambofdeth 0 points1 point2 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]Big_Booty_Bois 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]thelambofdeth 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ddrj 1 point2 points3 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]thelambofdeth 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]ddrj -1 points0 points1 point (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]thelambofdeth 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]IamZimbra 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]thelambofdeth 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]TheRiverOfDyx 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]thelambofdeth -1 points0 points1 point (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]HungDaddyNYC 24 points25 points26 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 6 points7 points8 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]IamZimbra 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]IamZimbra 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]TheRiverOfDyx 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]brendanm420 11 points12 points13 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ld20r 5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Minute-Lie-2287 4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]dobbs1997 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]handcuffjumpingjacks 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]b_a_d_r0b0t 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Xombie0991 -2 points-1 points0 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]kshades25 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]socialanimal_us 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]waybetter94 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Able-Maybe8813 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
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[–]Mr_ambitiouz 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link