~ archived since 2018 ~
Popular
Other
[deleted]
[–]daveinpublic 118 points119 points120 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
This was something I learned early on, but wish I knew it even sooner. Performing for someone is not going to get them to like you. Imagine if some random girl you know was always buying you little candies. Wouldn’t make you like her much more. But you’d be kind about it.
[–]EvanTheFallenPrince 8 points9 points10 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Most people learn this the hard way, me included. And the “being kind about it” part is what fucks some people up because they don’t take the hint that it’s not gonna happen, so they keep doing it till they either lose interest or make a fool out of themselves.
[–]Night_Hawk1 60 points61 points62 points 5 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link
Plain and simple: people don't attach to you based on how much you invest in them but rather how much they have invested in you. If you want to earn affection from someone, encourage investment in you, whether that's time, emotions, money, gifts. I've placed them in that order for weights sake but for some people it may be different. Someone who doesn't have money, buying you a dinner is a huge investment. Etc. By encouraging to buy into you, it's based on your confidence in the product and what you're selling. You by yourself are enough to invest in. That is why seduction community encourages so strongly in self improvement. Because then selling their investment in you is easy, the product sells itself. People will hate you if you sell investment in yourself like you're a rockstar but end up being a loser fat slob, with no social skills, emotional intelligence, romantic and bedroom skills, hygiene, or job. Aka catfishing.
In fact it IS detrimental to invest in someone without seeing a return or overtly encouraging investment first. It makes you look desperate. Men do this all the time with buying drinks at a bar. It's a shit test. It says 'I will give my worldly possessions to a stranger for their time because I have 0 things other than my money to offer this stranger.' They are the seller and I am the buyer. Fail. While stupidly, the guy improperly envisions it as a fair trade agreement. Or worse he subcommunicated she's a prostitute, ie 'my financial possessions for your attention and body and you have the chance to say no.' 'What a sucker,' she thinks, 'of course i will take the free offering and say no.'They will no longer respect you. They walk away after a short terse conversation and the guy is left going' but I bought her a drink!?'. Why is he so upset? Because he is the one who is heavily invested! An hours worth of work for the $10 drink at his minimum wage job. She invested a few words, a smile, and a couple minutes, not all that costly, and got to leave with a free drink. Do NOT EVER DO THIS. Take this to heart: Bussiness deals are overtly communicated, relationships are subcommunicated.
This is the top #1 tenant to garner Long term attraction.
One last addition of completing the circle is segwaying the sales from buying into you, to buying into 'us.' ie let's go invest in doing, buying, experiencing/feeling x together.
[–][deleted] 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
[permanently deleted]
[–]Night_Hawk1 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago* (1 child) | Copy Link
Yes. If you start getting emotional, needy, stop providing value, then eventually they will cut their losses and run. Also if someone else comes along with a more efficient value proposition, you're likely to get cut. Divorce rates are so high likely because of this. People sell a high value prop, then get married and get comfortable and stop providing value...that Or she is now able to see inside the money vault/your personality Leger and realizes the value prop is wayyy less than she thought. She can't do this in the past decades because the social cost was wayyy to high. Today people don't care. Today, She is free to cut her investment, get a 50% return, and run.
See above that Time and emotions ranked above. Say you have a great time and emotional connection with a woman but you are jobless, she will eventually leave for the boring stock broker that pays her rent, her car, for food. She mistakenly cashes in and they get married. Years later you have a well paying job, and logistics allows her to notice. eventually her boring marriage shows its low emotional value and she cashes out and comes back to you saying you're the only one she ever truly loved. Blah blah blah 😂
Ie. boys, don't ever buy love with money It dries up. It's a drainable resource and you investing in her. Time and Emotions from her are more valuable but if you can get all 3, go for it.
[–]SliPKnoTChiC 44 points45 points46 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Found out the hard way. If they like you they will like you for you not what you can do for them
[–]geocesc 52 points53 points54 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Learned this the hard way.
[–][deleted] 13 points14 points15 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Same
[–]Lombrado 14 points15 points16 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Count me in
[–]Lycantree 5 points6 points7 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
We all do, it is part of life
[–][deleted] 5 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link
[–]chizhi1234 8 points9 points10 points 5 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
Can you give an example of that "treat them as they want to be treated" part?
[–][deleted] 5 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]wearethedeadofnight 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
This is a tough pill for people to swallow sometimes. Especially for those who have had their self-worth beaten out of them by abuse.
[–]chizhi1234 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Good point, you like being choked doesn't mean you need to choke her to let her know you want to be choked
[–]eagleye03 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Comment saved for future references...🤓
[–]are_those_real 4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
regardless of how not scientific the 5 love languages are I think it's a great example of the problems that can come up from treating others how you want to be treated vs how they want to be treated. Some people's love language isn't their partners and resentment can happen if they don't feel loved in their language.
Example: I don't receive gifts that well and don't know what I'm supposed to do with them especially since I have very specific tastes and growing up gifts were just things that were meant to be taken away as punishment. I've been showered by gifts before and it just feels like I'm being manipulated even though I am aware that's not the case. I've verbalized it in the past but I tend to date people who want to receive gifts to show that the person cares and is thinking about them. Those people tend to believe that because they like it and feel great when they receive it that I would too.
It isn't until they realize that I like being treated as an equal and enjoy it when my partner takes charge and plans dates that are personalized for me since I like doing that for them. That also means I have to readjust my methods and instead of personalizing an experience I personalize a gift and treat them the way it should be. Some of them tend to want to feel boujie and so a boujie gift is needed so they can feel like it whenever they wear it.
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I like this economy mindset of supply and demand. It really does apply to intersexual relations as well. Different people value and look for different things in a partner, and your idea of what they want might not be accurate (lack of empathy, social intelligence, observation, like you said).
I've had girls for which I expressed (in a covert then overt way) what I wanted and what I was willing to offer. They still wanted what I had to offer, but insisted on giving me what I didn't want, in excess amounts. More of what I don't want (even if it is sex) is not going to make me stay or accept a deal I don't want to accept. Once it's clear that both parties are not compatible from that offer/demand point of view, it's just time to move on if no side is willing to bend or compromise.
[–]intercoursesadness 10 points11 points12 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Yes you certainly can but not for everyone since everyone is different. Unrequested actions involves gifts and helping around the house/work etc. If you get upset because you wanted something then where is your heart at? Do it for the love of it and because of who you are.
[–]Casanova-Quinn 9 points10 points11 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
In his book, Dr. Glover calls these "covert contracts".
It's one of the major flawed behaviors of nice guys.
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Every man should read Dr. Glover’s No More Mr. Nice Guy. It is life changing.
[–]Maximum-Cash 6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
The problem is keeping this in your mind and stop letting your subconscious work on your behalf. It’s easy to say you should/shouldn’t do a certain thing when you’re in the comfort of your home, but outside your mind can easily go auto pilot. And thinking too hard about it in the moment makes it harder to connect to people and you keep selling yourself short. Gotta find a middle ground.
[–]poots2 8 points9 points10 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
I remember Matthew hussey, quoted a study that showed that when you do something for someone else, it actually causes YOU to like THEM more and not the other way around. That's why he always tells girls to ask guys who they're interested in for their help, to build his attraction. Can't find the study right now but if anyone knows about it, please comment
[–]MK2718 4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
It's known as the Benjamin Franklin effect. He would get people who disliked him to lend him a valuable book which he would end up often not even reading. But the other person would have to rationalize why they would trust him with such an object.
[–]LeavingituptoBeaver 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I don’t know the study but recently had this situation and can relate to the effects. Yes it did work that way. As I gave. I always give. Usually it’s well received. This time my heart is in my hand broken. Men have to invest period! I’ve learnt my lesson!
[–]w3agle 6 points7 points8 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
God so real. I recently had a bad case of being hung up on a girl for a long time. Decided to lean into it. Wrote her a poem (lol ok look we bonded over writing ok?), bought flowers, etc. She responded “I just started dating someone.” Maybe it’s true, maybe not. Certainly felt like an excuse to get me out of her hair though haha. Because I mean we talk normally and she had never mentioned that?
Anyway - point is. TITLE IS 100% accurate can verify lol.
[–]dodged_that_one 7 points8 points9 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I stopped doing spontaneously nice things for friends because even though I didn't expect anything back, they held it against me that they perceived they'd involuntarily incurred a debt
I recognise now that it also lowered my social standing because people reasoned that if I was thinking of others all the time and putting my self out, it must be because I was inferior and needed to do so in order to make up the ground.
It's sad that that's how people think. I used to be a better person, now I'm a happier one.
[–]Fokker_Snek 4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Agree but don’t really think that communicating low status or desperation are the issue. Affection is about feelings and engaging with them, especially sexual and romantic ones. Buying however suggests a transactional relationship where feelings don’t matter. It wouldn’t matter if you came across as low status or desperate or not, if you never actually engage with their feelings they’re not going to be attracted.
[–]Rev_Irreverent 4 points5 points6 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You don't earn a person's affection by performing even requested actions! The only accepted trading coin of love is virtue, or personal value.
[–]e66666666666666666 3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Women are notorious for doing this. The whole phrase “I went to the moon and back for him” and all he said was I never asked you to. This is what this is referring to as well.
[–]dentodili 3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
THIS!!! 100 TIMES THIS!. Even worse sometimes they will hate you for it
[–]ContWord2346 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Sounds like a mafia shakedown racket.
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
No covert contracts
Never simp
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
When WHO don't give what we want?
[–]light_90 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I learned I can’t earn someone’s affection even if it’s the first encounter or or Last they just simply move on
[–]dreweydecimal 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Person A: dumped him because he wasn’t investing and doing nice things for me.
Also person A: he was investing too much and I lost attraction.
[–]Funtimes773 1 point2 points3 points 5 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link
Yeah if you're being played one of the big red flags is early on she's telling you to try and bring her things when nothing's been established. I got played by a Communications Major, right after she played my coworker. Thing is she basically still asked me out so it's bittersweet. The ghosting/sudden drop of interest still hurts though.
One of the things she suggested was bringing something for her, which when shared to others helping completely baffled them. Others said watch out for the gaslight. Just another emotional vampire. Was truly sad she courted it for several months and even broke up with a bf right before that she had been with for 4 years... Checked all the boxes... yeah this one hurt.
Attention seeking, pleaser, external locus of identity (likes self as others like oneself), needy, pushover, doormat, beta behaviour or nice/codependent demeanor aren't attractive, social proof, not peacocking (picture the animal; standing out), definitely not good guy/person material. Fishing for comments is an example of such non respected manner. Be best self, be authentic, good, kind, assertive, playful, adaptable.
[–]vvdawggg 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Agreed
[–]natpron13 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Sounds like the "nice guy" mentality. Doing nice things for a girl, not because you want to, but because you expect something in return. Like the girl has status bar or "Affection level" bar and you have to fill it until you reach the max level.
[–]LeavingituptoBeaver 2 points3 points4 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
That works both ways 😊
[–]Throwaway7907901 -3 points-2 points-1 points 5 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I actually tend to date richer girls and convince them to buy me gifts and shit. I’ve noticed they start to justify it in their mind.
Then they will say “wow I can’t believe I actually bought you a PS5.” To which I say “I guess you just really must like me” and they fall for you after a while of this type of manipulation.
[–]Arbon45 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Or, ya know, just dont be a cunt.
[–]Throwaway7907901 -3 points-2 points-1 points 5 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Hey there beta.
[–]Arbon45 3 points4 points5 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Cant tell if you're a troll, or if there are legitimately people that think like this.
Take your insecurity elsewhere kid.
[–]Lord_Augastus 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
But you can gain their favouritism by getting them to perform small tasks (like foot in the door)...
[–]eagleye03 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I wish i knew this earlier. Saved this post.
This topic strikes a nerve. I’ve walked this road with a man that had the grace to tell me when I said “I had been a fool “ that he didn’t know any!! Please understand how that made me feel!! Our friendship remained intact and my self esteem did as well!
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Covert contracts
[–]Ziondizl 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I did this in my last relationship, even made her get there 4 or 5 times before I even entered her, ahe still found her ex more attractive because he did less but did them when it counted. If I had of seen this post before that I'd have saved myself thousands on wasted time. Now I just tinder and assert myself.
[–]Gervaes 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
My family in a nutshell. On the other hand, I knew pretty early that it doesn't work since I hate that they do this with me all the time lmao
I’m used to get what i want when it comes to men. And this one time when it didn’t happen, i became soooo childish. Like « you’re stopid» level. I just felt like getting it out, and probably shamed my reputation a bit. But thats life! Can’t have it all! Still think it was worth it for me, to get the rant out. doesn’t make any difference in his life anyway,
[–]Direct-View-1195 0 points1 point2 points 5 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
"A high status person with options would believe that they are good enough as they are, and not feel like they needed to compensate by performing additional countless favors." Then go watch this video of a millionaire who is worth $100 million who got duped by a Onlyfans. Isn't he considered "high status?" Yeah your opinion is invalid https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yepfn6stI5I
© TheRedArchive 2026. All rights reserved.created by /u/dream-hunter
[–]daveinpublic 118 points119 points120 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]EvanTheFallenPrince 8 points9 points10 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Night_Hawk1 60 points61 points62 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Night_Hawk1 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]SliPKnoTChiC 44 points45 points46 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]geocesc 52 points53 points54 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 13 points14 points15 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Lombrado 14 points15 points16 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Lycantree 5 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] (10 children) | Copy Link
[–]chizhi1234 8 points9 points10 points (7 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]wearethedeadofnight 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]chizhi1234 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]eagleye03 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]are_those_real 4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]intercoursesadness 10 points11 points12 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Casanova-Quinn 9 points10 points11 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Maximum-Cash 6 points7 points8 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]poots2 8 points9 points10 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]MK2718 4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]LeavingituptoBeaver 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]w3agle 6 points7 points8 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]dodged_that_one 7 points8 points9 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Fokker_Snek 4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Rev_Irreverent 4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]e66666666666666666 3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]dentodili 3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ContWord2346 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]light_90 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]dreweydecimal 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Funtimes773 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]vvdawggg 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]natpron13 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]LeavingituptoBeaver 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Throwaway7907901 -3 points-2 points-1 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]Arbon45 0 points1 point2 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Throwaway7907901 -3 points-2 points-1 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]Arbon45 3 points4 points5 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Lord_Augastus 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]eagleye03 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]LeavingituptoBeaver 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Ziondizl 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Gervaes 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Direct-View-1195 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link