Quick background to my current situation. I worked at a family-owned pharmacy for must of my teenage life, and during that time I became very close with the elderly owners and their whole family. I ended up dating their granddaughter when I was 22 and she was 18. I swept this girl off her feet, and I was pretty into her too, but she was very Christian and starting her first year of college a couple hours away; and I just felt it wasn't the right time for us. I tell her this, we go our separate ways, but we still kept in light contact. Every time we do talk, old feelings get rehashed, but she always has a boyfriend and won't act on them. No biggie, my life keeps moving forward.

Fast forward to this past week. I know this is going to sound like oneitis bullshit, but I think every guy has that one girl he would take a second chance with if he could. This past weekend her grandfather passes away. I was very close with him, as he was my boss for 10 years of my life, and a badass dude; straight mafioso pimp. She calls me to tell me, I already knew, but I was just there for her. I had to be the nice guy; she needed it at the time.

I see her at the wake, and she immediately comes up to me and gives me the biggest hug. First thing she asks is if I want to hangout later. I was so confused and had planned on taking the train home later that night, so I said let me think about it. She pretty much follows me around the whole night, and I'm just there for her, a shoulder to cry on. I say fuck it to myself, and I tell her later on that I'll go back home in the morning and we can grab a drink.

Now, it's been four years; I'm 26, she's 22 and in grad school. I pick her up, be the gentleman I always am, and we head to the bar. We sit on the same side. We're both very comfortable physically with each other, as I had been wiping her tears away for most of the day. The chemistry is still there. She tells me she has a boyfriend, and he's a great guy and they have a great relationship. I ask her why he wasn't at the wake; she wanted to just see me. What?

I drive her home after the bar closes, and we talk in her driveway for an hour. She tells me about her faith, and how it would never work because I don't have faith. There's tons of eye contact and we had been holding hands earlier in the night. She compliments my eyes and I know she wants to kiss me. I didn't do it, seddit. I didn't, and I'm ashamed to admit it.

Anyways, this week went on, and I can tell she's fallen for me again. She's calling me with increased frequency, and I'm just playing it cool, but being there for her. I never once called her. Then last night she says she can't do it. This week has ruined her; she almost broke up with her boyfriend. I don't have faith. It would never work; but she wanted to kiss me after the wake. FUCK. I told her I respect that, and I'll give her her space. I don't know if I'll ever talk to her again, but this week has been a complete mindfuck. Part of this is venting, part of it is begging for rationalization of what just happened.