How Do I Break The Foreveralone Self-Loathing Feedback Loop? (Inner Game-ish)

HelloHiHello · 2012-08-31T15:07:59+00:00

Why do you subscribe to Forever Alone?

Is that really what you label yourself? If so, why would you be anything BUT forever alone?

Think of how impossible it is for your life to change if you don't change your own opinions of yourself. No one else is going to do it – no one else can. How can you expect your life to change if you give yourself a rigorous label that literally says, "I'll be alone forever"?

I'll make the fat joke about myself before anybody else has the chance to.

You are pitying yourself here. No problem with that, but ask yourself if it's getting you where you want to be.

You are the only one who can give yourself pain. Other people can insult you, but it doesn't cause you pain until you believe it. So essentially, you're insulting yourself.

You've even taken it a step forward by insulting yourself right off the bat, as if that's some sort of defense mechanism. Maybe it is, but it doesn't work. It simply reinforces your beliefs that you're undesirable.

You have not been dejected by society. You have been dejected by yourself.

As a result, you see yourself as dejected by society. THIS IS THE ILLUSION.

If you stop dejecting yourself, society will also.

here's the hang up: all four of them are in shape or ripped, attractive, and complete Naturals who constant get laid and are in relationships.

You mean they're exactly who you want to be? How is this a hangup?

You've won the lottery. You're surrounded by people who have your ideal lifestyle. By simply being around them, you're exponentially better off than if you surrounded yourself with people who identify as "forever alone."

Why not use this as leverage to get your ideal lifestyle? Be upfront with them. Be honest. Tell them you identify as "forever alone," and you envy their lifestyle. Not that you despise them for what they have (although you probably do on some level), but that you'd like to get to where they're currently at.

Ask them if they can help you out. Ask them if they can help you lose weight, help you get the kind of lifestyle they have. They would love to help you. This is humanity, when people are willing to learn from our accomplishments, we want to help them.

Tell them when you go out you compare yourself to them, and it fucks with your head. Tell them why. They'll understand – they're probably already aware of it, at least sub-conciously.

Bare your neck, expose yourself. Realize these things you hate yourself for mean very little in the physical world.

I am so disgusted by my own obesity and cynical about my ugliness that I am terrified of being sexual around women.

Let me tell you some news: you're completely normal.

We're all disgusted by ourselves until we realize it and have the opportunity to change it. We all wonder if it's even possible for a woman to love us.

But they do. Women have infinite love. Women ARE love. But the only way a woman will love you is if you love yourself first.

So by your own diagnosis, you're right – girls will not love you at this point in time. Not because of THEM, but entirely because of YOU.

I turn into Beta snuggling guy who won't escalate.

This is completely normal and simply takes practice to get over. Realize you can't ever "mess up" with escalation. By simply touching her how you feel, and saying the things you want to say, you're escalating the right way. Just don't hold yourself back. You already know what you want to do, so do it.

That's basic seduction right there, because everyone has this problem.

if I'm ever flirting with a girl and another guy comes into the situation, I fold.

Absolutely and completely normal. Happens to everyone.

I know when I'm out with a group of friends, sometimes when a guy approaches some girls in the group, I'll go over and watch, or put my arms around the girls and say nothing.

In every case, this has caused the dude to feel completely uncomfortable and go away. Regardless of how he looked or how he was acting at the time.

And the same exact thing happens to me if I'm out talking to a group of girls and a guy comes over.

In this community, we have the idea that you should always be able to "out alpha" another guy. Well maybe you can, but what's the point? Other guys are not our competitors – they are US.

That's not to say you shouldn't try and improve in this area, you can if you want. And there are ways you can handle yourself better. More specifically, there are ways you can handle your own energy in this situation. Right now you beat yourself up about it. In the future, you might just look at the guy, smile, keep talking, if it goes no where, simply exit and feel good about yourself for existing.

If you want to lose weight, that's relatively easy in this day and age.

Follow this diet: http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/2007/04/06/how-to-lose-20-lbs-of-fat-in-30-days-without-doing-any-exercise/

This is the "slow carb diet," and it works miracles. Not because it's anything special – in fact, it's the complete opposite. But it's optimized to be something you can actually do consistently.

Where most diets focus on weight loss, they disregard the fact that human discipline is literally the only factor in weight loss. If you can follow a diet, ANY diet will work. Problem is, that's very fucking difficult.

The slow carb diet is designed to be as easy to follow as possible... read up on it, you'll find out why. I remember going to a conference two years in a row. The first year, there was a woman there who was obese. The next year, she was a cougar, and a hot one at that.

What happened? She did the slow carb diet. Check it out.

Of course, you already know the solution to your problem. You knew it before you posted, and you're now posting so we can confirm your solution, therefore validating it.

So let me do it: your problem is that you think you have problems.

Everything is made up in your head. Everything is simply a part of a social matrix that's all made up. It's real because you believe it. So shift from hatred to love. Shift from being "forever alone" to being a human being.

None of us are perfect, but we all have unlimited potential to design the internal landscape of our lives, which is all that matters.

shanghaipha · 2012-08-31T10:39:11+00:00

There's only one thing I can suggest to you buddy. Shift that weight.

You even said yourself, you can be:

Cocky, funny, confident, hella deep (hella)

Which are all attractive traits, now when you improve upon yourself physically, your confidence will explode! Personally, I've lost 60lbs over the last few months and my confidence and success with women has skyrocketed, and NOT because i've lost the weight, but because I feel AWESOME for doing so. When you feel good about achivements you've done, you feel good about everything.

Getting out of your mental loop isn't going to happen over night, just try to think more positive, get out of a 'daily grind' if you have one, and make an effort to lose some of your weight.

With women, it's all about mentality, how can you expect a women to be attracted to you when you have negative feelings about yourself? If you can see your attractive traits, and treasure them, then they will shine through whenever your talking to someone.

TL;DR: Lose a bit of the weight, get out of the daily grind, and try and find those postive feelings deep inside, it's not going to happen overnight, and it's an uphill struggle, but if you want it bad enough. You can do it.

AAAdamKK · 2012-08-31T12:20:30+00:00

[permanently deleted]

itsmevichet · 2012-08-31T13:41:12+00:00

I don't mean to oversimplify, but you have a huge problem with your weight that gives you the perfect "reason" to hate yourself.

I'm not saying the reason is valid or invalid, but you use it this way. You use it as a tool to be hard on yourself.

Someone already said it, but have you committed to a trainer, or medical alternatives to lose the weight?

I can assure you, I never met anyone who couldn't lose a significant amount of weight through committing to a trainer and a healthier diet. Nothing short of a major thyroid problem can stop you.

Except, you know, you.

Good luck, brotha. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but you've gotta open your eyes.

coyotelime · 2012-08-31T16:26:53+00:00

There are a number of thing I would like to address:

First and most importantly of all is you need to have a realization about life, an epiphany if you will. Not everyone is born equal. I know we are taught from a young age this maxim and it seethes throughout or politically/socially correct country but this is imperative to breaking the chains that grip you. There will always be someone stronger, faster, taller, better looking than you. Believing you are equal to a rival (or even a friend) is a great philosophy to hold when you are close in quality. The silver medalist in the 100m dash can't wake up and admit he is weaker than usain bolt. But 99.9999% of the world has no problems admitting it and it doesn't eat them up thinking about it. The first step to your emergence as a stronger person who dominates life is to stop giving a fuck about what other people are better than you (friends included) and start turning everything inward.....

Question - Are you working the hardest you can to improve yourself?

I have a feeling you dont and this goes back to my original point. If you work the hardest YOU possibly can to improve then you will be content with your life no question. I go to the gym quite a bit and no matter how hard I work there are always guys who are just monsters. I could workout the rest of my life but I won't be able to grow my bone size and height and I will never reach them. But if I leave the gym after giving it my all I don't give a fuck about them - but I used to. What you need to do is break the cycle of what you are doing on a daily basis because continuing down the path you described is guaranteed to lead to soul wrenching catharsis. What girl is going to want a guy who hates himself? If you are serious, you need to set strict guidelines to Internet use, you have to have to have to get on a diet/workout plan. And you need to set 2 short term goals and 1 medium term goal (I hate long term goals Bc I feel they are impossible to predict and restrict growth). Order 3 giant whiteboards and write out your goals and flaunt them to the world. Don't be ashamed of showing people, air it out right for everyone to see. "I want to lose 75 lbs." and make marks of the amount of weight you have lost this far. If you genuinely stick to the idea of constantly improving yourself, woman will notice, friends will notice, and most importantly, you will be happier.

Edit: My point might have gotten a little watered down, but it is essentially this. If you try your hardest to improve yourself, you can put yourself out there and not give a fuck what people then subsequently judge you as. What else can you do at that point? This is related tangentially to why seemingly blessed people who are rich, good looking, great family etc. kill themselves. There is something missing from their lives that isn't related to objective well-being but rather their inner selves. Some of the happier people I have ever met are not the best looking, most athletic, best with the opposite sex - they are completely and utterly content with their lives and part of that I believe is they work hard with what they were given.

Pantalooney · 2012-08-31T20:25:51+00:00

Been there done that brother, forget about the ladies for a while. Hit the gym, fuck what the others think, you can fix your life in that simple step, it might be long but it took me a year, now im in shape, happier and i met someone awesome i love spending my days with. if my lazy ass did it, anyone can.

TAOofSTEVE · 2012-08-31T18:10:31+00:00

Losing weight isn't the magic ticket that is going to make you successful with women. And it isn't what is holding you back right now. It is your mental state. There are tons of attractive, muscular guys out there that are unsuccessful with women because they don't have confidence and can't hold a conversation.

What you need is a 2 pronged attack on improving yourself-

Yes, you should hit the gym, improve your nutritional, and work on your style. It will help with your confidence, but this isn't the solution to your problems, you need to work on the inside.
Work on improving your confidence. Excluding the physical, why would a woman want to date you? Are you funny? Are you good at conversation? Do you make the people around you happy? Try to think of it from their perspective. What are females looking for? I bet if you see it like that, you will realize you probably have most of the qualities a girl is looking for already. Now you just have to let those qualities been seen.

You are looking at girls and dating the wrong way. You shouldn't be asking "Why would this girl want to be with me?" You should be asking yourself "why WOULDN'T this girl want to be with me?" I am a cocky, funny, confident and hella deep guy!!!! She should only be so lucky to end up with a guy like me!

Work on what makes you awesome and then showcase that awesomeness. Your bros might have the bodies, but you have the personality, and that is what is more important. And eventually, when your outside matches your inside... you will be unstoppable.

dxdifr · 2012-08-31T20:48:51+00:00

David Deangelo's program works best. In the mean time.

Learn what your shadow is and stop blocking out negative feelings. Only by recognizing them can you defeat them.
Write down your good qualities. Say them every day.
Some part of you doesnt want to let go of your negative view of yourself.
Conciously work everyday to overcome the things that are causing your self loathing.
Have a saying that you read every day. I have this one. Feel free to use it.
Say motivational line every morning :

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and forgive myself for past transgressions. Give me the strength to love and care for myself, even when no one else will, and to take life by the balls because this is my world. It’s my universe and I have to live it in it every day. I won’t accept another person or thing to have control over me in my universe.”

Fixing self esteem issues is a concious every day effort. Eventually it will be unconcious, but by recognizing it and working toward (and knowing) you can get past it just like any goal that you've completed you can finally start to live the life you really want.

Also, when you care about yourself and have self esteem. You'll actually want to lose weight.

rich55555 · 2012-08-31T15:03:20+00:00

It looks like you already know what you have to do and thats lose weight. Not necessarily because that will make you more attractive to women, but because it will increase your confidence. I know this because im in a similar situation. Im a skinny guy and I recently started working out, trying to put on a bit of muscle. After a few months, I noticed a difference and it has made me more confident. Once you notice a difference, you feel more driven to do more exercise, and gain even more confidence. Good luck.

2012-08-31T15:33:23+00:00

Losing the weight and getting in shape will not be the magic pill that will rid you of your "layers upon layers of self-hating defenses".

If you have the means, seek a mental health professional. http://locator.apa.org/

If they're worth their weight in salt, they will give you tools you can implement to help break through your self-image.

Grand_Admiral_Theron · 2012-08-31T16:26:14+00:00

Most of the time I don't even think about the self-loathing feedback loop because it just pops into my head. "No one's with me now and nobody will ever be. Why would they?" I recognize it more and more now though. Next step is trying to banish it. Been sober for more than 90 days so I know anything's possible.

kazagistar · 2012-09-03T21:55:50+00:00

There is a possibility you have a medical condition that could be treated by a psychiatrist or psychologist. I resisted medical advice for years because I thought it would be a weakling way out or would change me somehow. Well, now I have been on Adderall, and it has helped me in EVERY aspect of my life.

Title	How Do I Break The Foreveralone Self-Loathing Feedback Loop? (Inner Game-ish)
Author	PrayToSaintSeduction
Upvotes	22
Comments	24
Date	August 31, 2012 9:45 AM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/z4mem/how_do_i_break_the_foreveralone_selfloathing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-do-i-break-the-foreveralone-self-loathing.1338352 https://theredarchive.com/post/1338352

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