How do I have a better time when I go out?

juloxx · 2017-12-24T17:49:10+00:00

I dont mean this in a condescending way, but you need to hang out with cooler people/cooler places

On some real shit. Stop hanging out at hip-hop clubs (where everyone wants to fight), stop hanging out around greek life. Stop going to top 40's clubs.

Start exploring underground parties. Art events, shit with artists and creators. Hang out with hippies. Thats where you meet friendly people that are open and just wanna be friends.... and yes plenty of girls that are looking for more

Edit: Just found out you are from Jersey.... good luck

petriomelony · 2017-12-24T14:11:39+00:00

the only time I've experienced hostility at a bar is when I'm at those really shit clubs where people go because they think it's the thing to do, but they're not actually enjoying themselves. these places are generally filled with insecure dudes who think that acting super masculine is the only way to attract girls. they generally try to take value from others.

I imagine some of them feel intimidated by you, whether that's your looks or your height. you may not be as buff as they are, but they still see you as a social threat, and they believe that if they can show other people "hey I'm tougher than this good looking tall dude", then girls will like them more.

are you generally going to the same places? unfortunately the only advice I have is to find new and better places to go out. my favourites include rock bars, live music gigs, open mics, or board game nights at pubs. it already sounds like you're handling it the best way possible, by just walking away or laughing it off. but if you want to have a good time when out, find a venue that really suits you, that isn't filled with douchebags.

_freeyourmind · 2017-12-24T16:40:29+00:00

Morristown?

NilsFlair · 2017-12-24T19:45:58+00:00

A way to instantly start having a better time in those same environments, without changing anything external, is to completely reframe all those negatives that you see there, from problems to challenges.

This might sound abstract, but it’s highly actionable, and very effective.

Next time you’re in the same environment, instead of telling yourself how a pain in the ass it is to have to deal with all the bullshit getting thrown at you, you flip the coin and see the other side.

Dudes testing you = like a shit test from a girl, but easier to pass (opportunity for growth).

People getting aggressive to prove themselves = a chance to train your unreactiveness and to start spotting holes in their “fronts”.

Feeling negative as soon as you enter the environment = a chance to observe your thoughts and feelings to find out what’s starting that negativity, and then learning to take conscious control over those responses.

Nothing is inspiring in the club = a chance to create inspiration and positive emotions out of nothing external.

You get the point.

To summarize, every thing that happens in game can be reframed, so a heavy negative can be reframed into a positive and even a strength. When you start taking control and responsibility for these reframes, you start becoming anti-fragile (concept from Nassem Taleb) which means that the more stress put on you, the more you grow.

PM_ME_NUDES_PLEEZ · 2017-12-24T17:40:10+00:00

Just approach female only sets if your not comfortable with amog game. You never know if a chick is out with her male cousins or brothers and their just doing their job to protect their relatives.

ImJustSo · 2017-12-24T18:33:54+00:00

My suggestion may help, but it definitely wouldn't hurt. Take some self defense classes, or a specific marital art. Not to beat anyone's ass or anything, but just to gain some confidence in your ability to defend yourself. You sound pretty chill, but you don't sound confident being around men and being in an environment surrounded by men practicing a combat may allow you to become comfortable around actually dangerous men. You'll find that the most physically dangerous men are usually the most comfortable types to hang around. They just know that they're capable and don't have anything to prove. Eventually it rubs off, and you also become confident bodily as well.

I haven't taken Brazilian jujitsu, but I'd suggest that at any MMA gym, so you can also get striking lessons as well. The friends that I have that are into BJJ are all so laid back.

I trained in various martial arts at a younger age(extensively), so I've always been confident that I can at least protect myself. That helps my natural demeanor around aggressive men, and I don't seem to attract that aggression. It could just be my size, it could be my caveman face, or it could be my "I don't give a fuck" demeanor.

But like I said, my suggestion can't hurt, and it may help.

Clyde_Frag · 2017-12-24T17:21:21+00:00

While there are a lot of females in Manhattan, the bars are still primarily filled by sexually frustrated guys with draining jobs, especially after 2am. I can confirm personally as starting fights in bars used to be something I'd do back when I was depressed and had anxiety problems.

So this probably doesn't have much to do with you as you think, guys just get drunk and want to start fights after striking out at the bars for a couple hours.

physicalbitcoin · 2017-12-24T21:59:42+00:00

Buy a ukulele. Seriously. I need to write a post on this.

vardarac · 2017-12-25T18:13:41+00:00

Remember that people who attack are putting their weakness on full display for you. Brush it off.

matty25 · 2017-12-24T16:58:17+00:00

I used to deal with this problem all the time. You're at that age where if you go to certain types of places people are looking to challenge and fight. A lot of guys in their early 20s are douchebags who eventually chill out. Either have to just deal with it or find new spots. I'm in my early 30s now and rarely have to deal with it.

destiny24 · 2017-12-24T17:00:21+00:00

Honestly? Try to just focus on having fun.

Once I got a girlfriend going out became sooooo much more fun, with or without her. And thats because the stress of going out all went away. I'm no longer going out trying to find someone to approach or impress, I can just go out and relax. If you go out specifically trying to meet women its more often than not going to suck unless you're a guy who is completely cool with rejection. And if you're in this sub you're probably not there yet.

Just go out with your friends and have fun. I wouldn't worry about the "intimidating other guys", just ignore them. No sense in starting shit over nothing.

ZachaZulu · 2017-12-24T19:07:08+00:00

I go to MSU so I'm in North nj all the time if youre down to meet up and game lmk

Shrek2Soundtrack · 2017-12-24T19:51:24+00:00

I would find other places places to go besides a bar. A lot of people are douches when they're drunk

meathooks · 2017-12-25T00:04:07+00:00

Go to better venues with better crowds.

recyclablebanthas · 2017-12-25T07:04:29+00:00

____1____

I am by no means a gung-ho "beat you up if you step on my shoes" kinda guy.....I'm 6 foot, 180 lbs

Guys that I have never seen before are constantly staring me down. Dudes push me and bump me while I am on the dance floor. Guys are constantly testing me, and attempting to over-due me in seemingly a majority of interactions I have. Guys are constantly defensive, intimidating, and saying rude, offensive comments to me.

Definitely NOT you. As _freeyourmind mentioned, the crowds at certain venues can come with their own issues.

And while NilsFlair is also correct and you could think of it in terms of "gaming" the dudes so that they deactivate, then the issue is that your'e having to acclimate to them and measure up to THEIR standards.

If you're not like them and don't relate to those kinds of dudes, then you're better off not trying to beat them at their own game or connect with them. You can certainly do it. But sometimes peoples' negativity doesn't provide a positive option for you. Example: One time I remember addressing a group because someone in it was laughing REALLY infectiously. I just commented on that and was clearly passing by, not looking to stop. Some Broseph gave me the stink eye like I just tried to have sex with his girl (the person laughing).

Point is, you have no way to really control how people react to you. And being around dudes with that sort of culture and that definition of "being a man," is going to lead to you constantly being tested, because THEY see you as a test, since you're that tall and not scrawny.

You can't ultimately stop that. But you can definitely seek out places with better attitudes.

____2____

I could suggest some activities to try out, in addition to looking for different ordinary venues and activities, like the places _freeyourmind mentioned.

Hash running. Has nothing to do with "hash." One or two guys get a head start and run out, leaving a trail to follow. Then everyone tries to catch up to them. Usually involves at least some trail running. Some people just walk/hike. At the end, everyone drinks beer. Some people drink on the trail. People usually eat after also. Tends to attract some open-minded, irreverent people.
You might try a partner dance scene, like tango, salsa, and so on. Lindy hop and West coast swing might be options, depending on what music you like. Point is, these communities are based around a fun activity and honestly, the kinds of bros you're dealing with, are usually too insecure to handle the self-development necessary to learn these dances. (It's honestly a pride swallowing siege at times.)

WHEATIESSSS · 2017-12-27T05:14:52+00:00

Small world, also from north jersey and same age. Never been to Morristown, but I'll dm if I'm ever out there, we'll wing one out.

Title	How do I have a better time when I go out?
Author	teezydoon
Upvotes	45
Comments	42
Date	December 24, 2017 10:18 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/7luiqa/how_do_i_have_a_better_time_when_i_go_out/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-do-i-have-a-better-time-when-i-go-out.1438958 https://theredarchive.com/post/1438958

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