How do I stop my self-confidence from being tied to my success with women?

cplax15 · 2016-04-24T17:22:12+00:00

I deal with the same thing so take my advice with a grain of salt.

I think it all comes down to what's going on in your life outside of dating. Are there projects you're working on? Hobbies? Fitness? Traveling or going to social events? For me, it helps having goals and things to try and accomplish that have nothing to do with dating.

I also find that the more interesting things I'm doing, the more confidence I have in myself, the easier it is to meet and talk to women. If too much of my self worth depends on meeting women then I put too much pressure on myself to have a great interaction and I get down if it's not. If I have a lot going on, then there's less pressure on every interaction which makes them usually go better.

iwish4zombies · 2016-04-24T18:28:17+00:00

Meditate for outcome independence works.

asteticlypleasingent · 2016-04-24T17:09:51+00:00

Same thing, I can't seem to be happy with myself or stop seeking approval from women, unless I have a girl that I'm in a sexual relationship with. I'm not good with women, and I can't seem to get better even though I put in a shit ton of work, despite things holding me back. It's like I need to know that I'm "good enough" and not just being used or providing.

Psychocist · 2016-04-24T19:37:19+00:00

It's all about outcome independence.

You have to learn to stop these spiralling thoughts..

Her: "Hey, sorry, can we just be friends?"
You: "Yeh, sure, no problem :/"

Why does she only want to be my friend? Am I not attractive enough for her? She would have liked that guy across from us that night. I'm too tall/short/ugly/bald/loud/quiet/weird. I wish I was __. She would like me then. I'm never going to attract anyone like that. I can't keep doing this. I give up....WAIT... Sarah just pinged me :) I am attractive enough! Oh, she's bailed :( .. etc etc

VS

I wonder why she only wants to be friends? Did I not escalate enough? Was she expecting someone different? Was I well-dressed and groomed? Did I talk about myself all night or actually pay attention to her? Maybe she just didn't feel my vibe. It's a shame, I really liked her. Oh well, let's learn from this and move on.. WAIT.. Sarah just pinged me :) Oh, she's bailed :( maybe I didn't form enough of a connection or she met someone she likes the look of better. Oh well, let's learn from this and move on.. etc etc.

Of course, outcome independence is much easier if you also have real abundance. If these were your only two leads then you're now back to square one. This is why it's important to have other things going on. Lack of women/sex should not detract too much from your quality of life. They should only enrich an already great life.

You can only do your best. Assume attraction, develop abundance mentality, and learn to be outcome independent. Don't put the pressure on yourself to successfully seduce every attractive woman you want.

stuntmanw · 2016-04-24T21:40:57+00:00

As dumb as this sounds. I usually just tell myself, "Doesn't matter I'm awesome!"

Emxif · 2016-04-25T02:36:02+00:00

Consciously understand that you should always come first and not to over prioritize women in your life. Have strong boundaries and respect them so when somebody acts wrong like cancels on you it doesn't shake you because you know this person doesn't fit your standards. Live a life that is fulfilling on its own without a woman. Invest first in yourself before anybody else.

skepticalguy90 · 2016-04-25T15:54:49+00:00

You build your confidence on yourself. Stop looking outside for validation from women. Get in shape (if you're not already), and build a life that a woman would want to be a part of. If girl A is into you, she can join you. If she doesn't, that's life. It's a numbers game.

frowningcat · 2016-04-24T16:37:30+00:00

Are you a clone of me?

Wish i could get an answer to this myself

SFthrown · 2016-04-24T19:28:50+00:00

you stop your self confidence from being tied to success with women when you stop tying your self confidence to success.

common belief around self-improvement is to stop being goal-oriented. constant success with women is a goal. even the best meet failure regularly.

act, don't feel. regroup, review, improve. there is no perfection.

Woujo · 2016-04-25T03:27:37+00:00

You need to understand that your success with women means absolutely nothing about your quality as a man.

Think about it this way: Despite what PUA dorks say, women like tall guys. Sorry, but they do. A guy that is taller has a huge advantage over a guy that is the same in every way but is just a lot shorter.

But now think about this: A person can't control how tall they are. So you shouldn't base your self esteem on a thing that you can't control. A short guy who feels like he is a loser because girls don't like him is an idiot and, similarly, a tall guy who feels like he is the shit because girls like him is also an idiot. It's a thing you didn't work for; it's a genetic roll of the dice.

Now think about this: most girls aren't impressed by guys that are good at programming computers. Sorry, they're just not. I mean, they'll like you if you have a stable job and make money, but their pussies don't get wet if you tell them you're awesome at Ruby on Rails. But, if you really think about it, it's retarded that a girl won't be impressed by programming ability but will be impressed by a tall guy. The fact that women are impressed by retarded things is just proof that you shouldn't base your self esteem on those things.

Here is another example: one guy becomes an EDM DJ. The other becomes an accountant. They both worked equally hard and they are both equally good at what they do. Who gets more pussy? Obviously the EDM DJ. Does that mean that the EDM DJ is "better" than the accountant? No, it's just that the EDM DJ chose a different life path and he just happened to choose a life path that gets you more pussy. But that doesn't mean he actually has a right to think he is better than the accountant.

The reality is that some of the thing girls are impressed by are good (having a good job, being smart, living an interesting life, making money, being healthy, being a nice guy) and some of the shit they are impressed by is retarded (flashy outfits, tattoos, being a "bad boy", knowing celebrities). You can't let your self-esteem be swayed by the whims of dumb people.

The problem is that our society has equated getting hot girls with men being powerful. You're not considered an "alpha" unless you get hot girls. there are a lot of retarded guys that will respect you more if you get hot girls. It's stupid.

It looks like a lot of guys here have this problem, so I will do some thinking and write an article about this.

tomasv96 · 2016-04-24T17:48:37+00:00

I have exactly the same problem. I have hobbys, I even have a fwb but I still find some of my confidence tied to random girls I'm interested in. I believe it is a matter of time, before I started being more succesfull with girls, I used to get obsessed with them and derived almost all of my confidence (or lack thereof) from my interactions with the opposite gender. Nowadays it still affects me but it only lasts for some hours. Maybe a couple of days. It is a matter of time, even if you take a lot of action in order to become a more confident person, it takes a long time to fully change how we percieve ourselves. Moreover, sometimes it is a good idea to step back and think about how much you have improved. Perhaps stop focusing so much on women and more on other, less ephemeral, activities.

ImJustSo · 2016-04-24T19:39:06+00:00

Good question, and not one I have an answer to. I like women a lot and I also identify a lot with what you're saying, but I don't really care that much that this affects me. Never really saw it as a problem.

I like being happy that I'm enjoying someone new. And I expect the "failures" that come with it, so I don't mind. I just figure it's tied together.

newtothelyte · 2016-04-24T21:04:32+00:00

I'm a big believer in achieving a life balance, if a lot of your happiness Is dependent on getting women then you might be obsessing a bit too much. Scale back and focus on yourself. You have to have hobbies and goals outside of girls. Getting women should only be a fraction of your total happiness.

Other things that help boost confidence:

A good job/money

Achieving other goals

Participating in hobbies

Material things

Good friends and family

Developing skills.

Mental health/stress management

For example, I do boxing and go to the gym often. Whenever I hit a new goal, it's definitely a confidence booster and it has ripple effects on all aspects of my life, including getting women.

Mathieulombardi · 2016-04-24T21:32:08+00:00

All guys confidence are tied to their success in life, not just with women. I don't know what you can do. It was a growing up process for me.

seldor · 2016-04-24T21:48:37+00:00

Step 1: don't place your happiness in the actions of other people.

ZephirTheAwesome · 2016-04-25T03:35:46+00:00

I honestly don't know whether I fall into this or not.

What I mean is, my self-confidence doesn't seem to be tied to girls (although I do feel inadequate somewhat or even sad when I see some couples, especially an average dude with a really attractive girl, but eh), but my sex drive won't let me have a moment of peace from wanting to do it.

So unless I'm actively out there, or talking to a girl that I'd really like to, for lack of a better word, fuck with a chance of going somewhere, then my brain keeps pestering me with "Dude, you're 22, you're still a virgin, you still haven't kissed a girl, what the fuck are you doing? Fix that shit, ASAP." and I can't stop it unless I'm always doing something else, like studying, going on job interviews, practicing football against the wall, exercising, etc, just to get my brain off it, and hence I feel crap.

The only other alternative is to jack-off, but that doesn't help and makes me feel like shit to boot. I started NoFap for this exact reason, although I don't go on that subreddit anymore.

CrushHazard · 2016-04-25T07:54:48+00:00

You can't. Focus on success. Confidence will follow.

pseudousernym · 2016-04-25T14:56:39+00:00

Be successful at other things too.

atomiswave2 · 2016-04-24T19:35:39+00:00

Excellent question

Title	How do I stop my self-confidence from being tied to my success with women?
Author	SleezyPUA
Upvotes	57
Comments	31
Date	April 24, 2016 4:33 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/4g8tlv/how_do_i_stop_my_selfconfidence_from_being_tied/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-do-i-stop-my-self-confidence-from-being-tied.1405855 https://theredarchive.com/post/1405855

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