I've posted a couple of FR, I've improved upon my social interactions and identifying situations that bring out AA and ways for me to work on some of my anxiety problems but as I said, I'm not having fun. I continue to build up every night of research, reading, watching a couple of PUA videos on approaches then applying everything I read out in the field to come home disappointed and alone. Compounding this is my lack of a social circle. I opened guys and girls and took many a number but invites to kayaking, hiking, gym, parties went unanswered or small visits. While some of the material I've read helps I still have not found success. I think its my inability to trust. I cant trust people. I keep getting burned, flaked on, exploited for my things (less now that I've identified 'friends' who are no longer friends).

I just want to tell so many people off but my introversion always holds me back. Some of these nights I literally just want to fucking yell as loud as possible. Not as an attempt to draw attention but just as a release. A need to feel animality and a primal surge. The knowledge that I should by definition be surrounded by women. Every failure compounds against my attempt to build confidence. I don't let rejections get to me. . . I'm letting me get to me. I keep reading psychology, Buddhist readings and other self improvement books to focus on the now, to stop dwelling on the past and to stop worrying about the future. Some things I have control over and other things I do not. Identifying what I have control over helps but feeling powerless about other issues is daunting. I know its the basis of fear and overcoming said fear but I don't know. Even identifying my fears and pushing myself beyond still brings a new fear.

People ask me why I approach women they would never approach in their life and I always answer, "they are women, just women, they've at some point taken a bigger shit than you or I". I think I put it on the pedestal too much. I'm becoming too obsessed with trying to have sex at least once before I leave college in 19 days.