On a date, do opportunities for escalation come by organically or do you have to create them?

(TLDR: Had ANOTHER date where I failed to escalate, because I was waiting for opportunities to escalate and they never came. Is this a matter of inner game, where if you are confident and assertive escalation happens instinctively, or do you think it's something I have to learn to do and actively make happen, rather than waiting for organic opporunities?)

​

I'm very inexperienced with dating and girls in general and recently I had a first date that was quite bad. I went in very nervous and was consequently very stiff and stuffy, there was no escalation of any kind and it was entirely platonic.

Yesterday I had another first date and was determined to improve on the previous one. I though, ok, I need to 1. come in more relaxed and not psyche myself out so much, 2. joke around more, 3. most importantly, escalate.

Well, the date was better than the previous one (would have been hard not to), I was more relaxed, there was more joking and wasn't so stiff as the previous one, but it wasn't great.

On a few occasions I joked at her expense and teased her a little bit, but it was only a few times and it was very light, but the thing that bothered me the most is that even tho I came in well aware that the biggest problem with the previous date had been no escalation, there was no escalation.

Now, my mindset coming in was that there would come organically situations where it was natural to escalate and I would escalate, but no such situations came in. It was still painfully devoid of escalation.

So, I'm wondering, how do you guys think of escalation, is it something that you're supposed to wait for opportunities for, or should you somehow CREATE the opportunities?

This is really a kind of inner game question, because my intuition was that had I been more relaxed and comfortable and more sure of myself, that the escalation would have happened organically. That I would have done it instinctively.

Do you think that's the case and that the issue is mainly mental, or do you think it is a matter of technique and something I have to learn to do and actively make happen.