Self Esteem

ralphmalph1882 · 2024-08-09T15:32:48+00:00

I encourage you to consider therapy to explore your self esteem issues. Sure, things like exercise help. However, to address deep seated, universal beliefs such as “I’m a lesser person”, it can be really helpful to talk to a therapist.

If money is an issue, you may be able to get lower cost therapy through a college that trains therapists.

Western-Month-3877 · 2024-08-09T15:36:20+00:00

I think self esteem and confidence are only the outcomes of something deeper internally.

You could try to fix the problems on the surface level and you have. Yet the root cause or root causes are still there. I’d suggest you talk to a professional.

newrisingsun70 · 2024-08-09T17:01:58+00:00

I can relate quite well to what you’ve described. Although I’ve built self confidence and had lot of success with women over the years on the outside, I still don’t feel more worthy on the inside. That’s why I’ve been going to therapy for quite some time. I think this would also be the most lasting solution for you. You can make this!

all_political · 2024-08-09T19:22:23+00:00

I (28M) relate to this very strongly. I spent most of my 20s convinced that while I got lucky in life in some ways (mostly academically), I was just inherently unattractive. That no matter what I did, I was just destined to have a ceiling on the types of people I could date. I’d even “made my peace” with it and was mostly okay with my “place in society”.

Then a few things happened in the space of about three years. First was that my father passed away from cancer when I was 25, which was the first time something happened to me that was “bad enough” that I figured I should go to therapy. This ultimately led to me getting diagnosed with ADHD, and it turns out I have it pretty bad (my psych’s exact words were “there’s no doubt in my mind that you have ADHD” lol). I then started on meds and continued therapy to work through that. Several months later, I finally admitted to myself that I’m bisexual and publicly came out the closet. Here’s the kicker: I’d been hooking up with guys on Grindr for years, but every time I did I would tell myself I was just “trying it out”. Yeah, and I’m sure every straight guy needs five or six experiences to really be sure. But you know, conservative Christian upbringing, lots of internalized shame, etc. etc. I also took psychedelics for the first time around this period, but I’ll skip the hippy-dippy bullshit and say that it helped immensely. The most recent bombshell has been an ASD diagnosis, but honestly it’s pretty mild and mostly I’m just working through recognizing when I’m getting overstimulated and what to do when it happens.

Okay, cool story right, why am I telling you this? Because at the start of this journey, my self-image completely shattered. So much of who I thought I was and who I tried to be was just a series of masks that I had crafted to try and be successful in the way that I thought society wanted me to be. And realizing that there was actually no substance behind those masks was perhaps the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I didn’t know who I was on the most fundamental level. It was honestly more painful and terrifying than my father’s cancer. I was a complete wreck.

But then I started building myself back up. With the help of therapy, friends and community (in person and online), I started to piece my self back together, but this time it was for me. I built myself back up knowing that even though you need to put masks on in life, I was confident that I knew who was behind those masks. I cut out the people who didn’t like that maskless person, and learned how to be vulnerable around those that did like him. I learned to trust and respect that person.

And then the craziest fucking thing happened: I started to get romantic attention from people who I had long written off as “totally out of my league”. I apologize for the bragging, but I was now “hot” in a way I thought was totally impossible. It happened so unexpectedly I had to work through it with my therapist because the imposter syndrome was crippling. It wasn’t something I specifically tried to work on, but suddenly every seemingly bullshit piece of advice I’d ever read about “working on yourself” came into focus. I finally understood what it truly meant.

Bringing it back to your questions OP: I’m not trying to say your problem is you’re an AuDHD queer with too many parents. I don’t know what your journey will be. But my instinct is that you have some self discovery to do, and you’re probably hanging out with the wrong people. If you can, find a therapist; it’s possible to do this without one, but it’s damn near impossible. Be open to what you may find there. Accept that this shit takes time, which I know is really irritating to hear when life feels unbearable, but it’s irritatingly true. Go and do things that you love just because you love it. Discover that person behind the masks, and you’ll be astonished at how many people find that maskless person irresistible.

DaygameCode · 2024-08-09T19:30:39+00:00

I’m a coach and This is the basic framework that you need to follow to get girls to sleep with you or eventually date you:

1 - Opener and setting the playful flirty tone right away. Wanna establish myself as a flirt right away to avoid the small talk and NPC vibe.

2 - Accidental physical touch to break the touch barrier organically.

3 - Switch from impersonal to personal topics of conversation where i get her to talk about herself so she can show the type of person she is and we also can build a solid connection

4 - Make sure that we are isolated to set the stage for flirting without “activating” her defences (slut factor)

5 - Express what i find different about her to justify in a solid way my romantic/sexual interest in the next step. (Getting her to believe she is not just another girl of the countless that i might hit on)

6 - Show/express sexual interest by flirting sexually to create sexual tension and avoid being friendzoned.

7 - Intentional physical touch to test the waters about whether she is ready to be kissed and reinforce the flirtation

8 - Kiss close | Nothing sexual just to reinforced that something romantic happened, and that she is loving a fantasy

9 - Phone close | Suggesting a date idea and if she agrees, then take her number

10 - Consolidate after phone close by talking 2 minutes more fantasising out loud about the upcoming date with her and leave.

11 - First text | An inside joke about the encounter to remind her of the emotional mood she was in before i left.

Ideal time for the approach: 15 minutes

Ideal place to approach: Train trip, public parks/beach

Hope it helps, and if it doesn’t skip. This is what works for me.

PS: If you want you can book a 100% free coaching session, where i go over your case and give you n practical advice to transform your results with women. Just DM me.

zebekias · 2024-08-09T21:33:44+00:00

It’s amazing what success does to your self esteem. It’s a bootstrapping problem, and you have to take any tiny success you can take, and build off it. Succeed at work, at some sport, at some hobby, with some girl, study, practice, succeed more, so on.

At 23 you are a puppy with plenty of time to work on things, I didn’t start until 36 and still managed to get to the end goal 10 years later. You have a big head start!

Zorturan · 2024-08-09T18:43:22+00:00

/u/ralphmalph1882 /u/Western-Month-3877 /u/newrisingsun70

How would I get started on therapy for stuff like this? I hear it's fundamentally more effective for women because it's more tailored to their psychology and that for us guys we can be easily misinterpreted or something like that... So what kind should I try looking up? Is it in person only, or can it be online? I don't have the money for anything long term, but I can throw out like $300 to see if anything works.

I really don't think it would help but I can't imagine getting (much) worse.

TruthSpurts · 2024-08-09T19:10:39+00:00

master a skill that gives you VALUE

Dandys3107 · 2024-08-10T12:36:52+00:00

Generally, you need to truly feel good about yourself. Focus on and improve your good sides. Cut toxic relations that put you down. Take care about proper diet, body fitness, resting well, life exuberance, going out of your comfort zone. Nobody is perfect, but if you really place big value on yourself, you should create good life that you are worthy of.

TheSnake1313 · 2024-08-10T05:27:27+00:00

how can I rebuild my self esteem?

You can't.

Basically, there are 2 kinds of people. 1 are people who think they're better than others: it doesn't mean they're necessarily arrogant, simply they think they can succeed in things that other people fail. 2 are people who think others are better than themselves: i.e. that everyone could do things better than them.

Therapy can give you relief, and you can learn a way to cope with this, but if you're in the second category, you'll always think others will do better than you.

DaygameCode · 2024-08-09T17:09:38+00:00