Talking to women..ugh

shoganaiyo · 2016-03-01T09:23:54+00:00

It could be that the reason you're bored while talking to people is because you're making boring conversation. If you're going to have a conversation like you're conducting a job interview, you're not going to build rapport. If you ask fact-oriented questions, you're going to get fact-oriented answers. If you ask personal questions, you're going to get personal answers. You want her to reach topics that are of emotional importance to her.

And yes, you shouldn't just be asking questions. Many guys make the mistake trying to control the conversation with leading it. Questions are great ways to segue into a topic but if that's all you're doing, then yeah, it's going to be very monotonous. It's not just quantity, but quality that we want, right?

Tongue37 · 2016-03-01T09:22:54+00:00

Really it's the art of "vibing." Women love to talk. (I know, I have 5 sisters.) It doesn't even matter what you talk about, it doesn't have to be "compelling and interesting." It's about the vibe.

What you need to do is change your focus from needing a "productive" conversation to getting pleasure from the banter and building a connection.

locused · 2016-03-01T12:04:41+00:00

To find conversation interesting you need to cultivate being interested. Genuine care as to what a person is saying is integral.

The view that you're simply enduring it for sex is inimical to actually forming a bond.

There is a term in social psychology, "connect talk," for what we typically consider to simply be small talk. I find this distinction important, as it illustrates the role of this sort of conversation.

However, finding yourself limited to this range of conversation leads me to believe that you are either

not taking the lead in the conversation and steering it your direction
are not an interesting person and therefore can't lead a conversation
or are somehow only meeting women that are naturally boring

You are the common denominator here, so I think #3 is out, depending on the sample size.

You don't seem to care about actually connecting with the women you meet. So both you and the women you meet may benefit if you can cultivate that interest. Maybe then you will find the banal platitudes worth suffering through.

SClanding · 2016-03-01T14:37:51+00:00

Different vibe here....

I would suggest that it is the women to whom you are attracted and seeking to date......because the greatest revelation I have come to in deeper conversation is that many women are truly wonderfully interesting people.....quirky but interesting....and not nearly as conceited, self absorbed as I always was lead to believe.

Two examples....

1st....was a cute nurse, not a runway model, but certainly someone whom you would never tire of waking up to next mornings...in talking with her we came to her discussing why nursing...I was expecting something about money, jobs or same boring stuff....then she revealed after her sister had had a down syndrome baby, she had given up her career as the top young executive in the region to return to nursing school.....to help in raising her nephew\sister. This lead to discovering her entire amazing past....multiple Fulbright awards, special scholarships to study across the world and her success as a 20 year old executive....this from just a cute girl whom seemed your usual mid-20s nurse and coffee shop book reader.

2nd.....talking with a young gym attendant, very hot, whose first vibe was a snobbish, standoffish beotch...the very worst type you avoid on nights out......the amount of dread I felt in starting that conversation was awful expecting the worst.....it turned out to just be a combination of her looks and mask she projected because she lived in dread of having to hurt someone's feelings by not being interested in them.....she turned out to be one of the genuinely sweet girls I have ever met and to have a very interesting taste in music and fun. Amazing girl, really.

It may just be your type of women....expand your circle of prospects.

Peckerdick · 2016-03-01T19:55:43+00:00

I've always identified as an introvert, and sort of used it as an excuse to not push myself into stressful / difficult social situations. I'm finding out more and more than the whole concept of being introverted / extroverted is complete bullshit, and identifying as an introvert is essentially just adopting a defeatist attitude and giving up on being a social person.

I believe that everybody starts out more or less the same, but due to upbringing and life experiences, some people develop far more social competence than others, and learn to enjoy and feed off that lifestyle. Guys who believe they are introverted are just used to feeling safe and comfortable and not putting themselves out there, so being in stressful social situations is obviously exhausting when your guard is up the entire time. I've pushed myself tremendously lately to exercise my extroverted side, and I've already noticed a huge difference in terms of my energy levels in social situations, and overall enjoyment. Simply giving up on the "I'm an introvert and I hate being social" mindset has made a very fundamental change in my outlook and personality.

I'll tell you this now: if you identify as an introvert and have a low level of social competence and low energy, you are going to have a very difficult time attracting women or building a rapport with them. These women you speak to might be very intelligent and have some very interesting things to say, but you probably just aren't talking to them on the same wavelength. If you approached them as a guy full of energy and full of enthusiasm, I can almost guarantee that they would open up and would be more than happy to have some deep conversations with you. Again, putting this to practice, I've noticed this happening myself.

I would strongly suggest you stop identifying as an introvert. Identify as a guy who wants to be fun, energetic, and someone who has engaging interactions with women. It will take some work and it's uncomfortable at times, but you can get there. In one year, I watched one of my coworkers transform from a guy who could barely say a single word to a stranger, into someone who can approach random people on the street and engage them in conversation. I saw how far he came and I decided I want to be that guy, too.

rollerboogie · 2016-03-02T00:54:50+00:00

I think you might have to shift some of the blame onto yourself. Talking to most women is definitely more boring than men though.

But if you're an entertaining or clever person you can always find a way to take the conversation somewhere interesting. If you start getting bored see how much you can push the boundaries and see her response. You'll learn a lot more about someone than asking 'how many brother's do you have?'

Also you could try online dating so you only talk to women who are similar to you so you have something to talk about.

But yeah I'd evaluate yourself a little harder. If every woman you talk to seems to be boring then you're the one making it boring.

daddymonsterpoodle · 2016-03-01T09:04:51+00:00

True...I experience the same with most people, regardless of gender. I have met women who are fun to talk to. I rarely find a woman who will surprise me with what she says though. Sometimes it does feel like it is so easy to talk to women I may as well be on autopilot so why bother

DirkDieGurke · 2016-03-01T15:54:36+00:00

My 2 cents. Don't be using the phone for conversations and discovery. Call her, set the date, meet, hangout, have fun, profit.

Overnight_Delivery · 2016-03-01T16:28:17+00:00

I'm pretty sure I'm actually an introvert extrovert hybrid and the more I've routed out and improved my social skills the less draining it was and the more I began socializing by default instead of not.

wi5hbone · 2016-03-01T20:19:58+00:00

quick one cos im going to bed.

do more daygame. make yourself. plan a day in the week and go with a wingman if you can

philosarapter · 2016-03-01T20:48:25+00:00

It's probably a intersection of a few things:

Many girls expect the guy to be the pursuer, so they'll be passive, talk about themselves and make their choice between the multiple guys that will be talking to them at any given time. So if you don't rise above the competition, you'll get written off.
Some girls have found they get more male attention by being the dumb than intelligent. There's a surprising number of guys who are turned off when a girl is more educated or earns more than them. So some girls will play the 'damsel in distress' to get guy's attention. For girls like this, you need to cut through the bullshit and ask them deeper more thought-provoking questions.
You may be inadvertently selecting for dumb or boring girls. Where do you normally meet them? Do you have a specific type you tend to go for?
You could be boring them or becoming bored too quickly. When you do talk about yourself, you should be holding yourself in high regard and building up your accomplishments to impress them. If you are 'matter-of-fact' about it, its not so exciting. Convince her your life is the most incredible life there is and she'll want to be a part of it.
Lastly, you may be trying to form a deep emotional connection with a girl who just wants to fuck. I've been caught up in this quite a few times. You're trying to find some meaningful conversation that'll make you two click.. but really she's wondering why you're blabbing so much and not fucking her. Not every girl is going to want some deep meaningful connection.

When I was looking to get in a relationship, I filtered through many girls just by bringing up existential conversations by our second date. I didn't hear back from many of them, but the girls who did stick around were both brainy and sexy. I'm dating a girl with a PHD, so I finally found a girl I can have significant conversations and rational arguments with! So interesting girls do exist, but you have to both find them and impress them.

Title	Talking to women..ugh
Author	Tongue37
Upvotes	5
Comments	32
Date	March 1, 2016 5:24 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/48eq5w/talking_to_womenugh/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/talking-to-womenugh.1403341 https://theredarchive.com/post/1403341

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