What about the (best) friendzone?

itsmevichet · 2014-03-07T14:53:36+00:00

I don't understand why the first instinct, for people who have been in the friendzone, is to "tell the girl my feelings" and then expect her to do something with that.

It should be instead "hey, let's go out." And kino. And making a move or something. And then escalating from there. If she asks you what's up, then you can tell her. "I always found you attractive. Figured we'd go well together."

But then again if she asks you what's up in the middle of having fun and escalating, she's probably not reciprocating your feelings. If she reciprocates the attraction, all you have to do is make a move and escalate. The friendzone is a self-constructed prison.

Finally, discussions about emotional states outside of a committed romantic relationship with a strong streak of mutual support do not go anywhere. If you need to have that kind of chat, have it with someone who you actually share your emotions with. Your brother, your sister, your parents, your actual best friends who you can be emotionally open with, or a counselor or therapist. I know that culturally, that list is much shorter for guys, but you've still gotta do it so that you don't put yourself between these emotional rocks and hard places.

Which brings us back to the advice behind the advice. There is no friendzone. Just oneitis, and the only cure for that is other women.

ARealSocialIdiot · 2014-03-07T16:02:09+00:00

Everyone seems to give the same advice regarding the friendzone.

Not me. I'd tell you (and hell, so would a lot of guys in seddit) that you should forget about getting with her and go in search of other girls. Too much effort is required to try and game a friend.

if you start developing feelings towards someone who has been your bestfriend for the last 5 years, is it really worth giving it a shot and possibly lose someone that has always been there for you?

You've known her for five years and in all that time she's never once given you an indication she's ever wanted to kiss you or fuck you. Isn't that enough to know that your feelings aren't reciprocated?

Basically, what you're talking about is pure relationship sabotage. If you try to tell her now that you've developed feelings for her, what she's going to hear is that you were lying to her for all that time, that you were somehow being nefarious by being her friend for so long only to tell her now that you want to sleep with her.

If you tell her that you're interested in her now, you'll be doing it for yourself, not for her. It simply won't end in anything good for you or for her.

For the amount of effort you'd have to put in to get her into a romantic/sexual mode of thinking in regard to you, you could go have sex with a dozen other girls. So go do that.

caesarfecit · 2014-03-07T17:18:25+00:00

Honestly... dont. I've been where you've been, and here's how your options break down....

You tell her how you feel straight up. This is the kamikaze approach. Your odds of success are slim at best. You should only do this if your feelings have gotten to the point where you need out of the friendship regardless. I sincerely hope this isn't the case, as this is moderately soul-crushing.
Try to game her. This is less reckless than the above option, but also less than optimal. Why? Because she'll be able to read you much much better than a new girl. And unless your game is tight enough that you really don't need this subreddit, you'll have a hard time threading the needle.
Put a little distance and game other girls until you get over your crush. This is the optimal solution under the circumstances. It doesn't risk the friendship, and allows you to solve the real underlying problem, which is that you're lonely.

I'm not trying to tell you to pussy out, but to be realistic. The reason guys end up in the friendzone is because over time, decreasing novelty and increasing trust, reduce the emotional reactions she'll have to you and put a damper on any lingering sexual tension. You're starting from a position of inherent disadvantage, that while not impossible to overcome, doesn't leave you much room for error, and the risk of losing a hopefully rewarding friendship.

Why do I know this? Because I fell for a female best friend once upon a time. Even made out with her too. We don't talk anymore. And while I have no intention of changing that, I still miss her terribly. Pretty much the only way I can tolerate losing her is thinking that what happened between us was a) inevitable and b) party driven by her issues/neuroses.

tl;dr: If you can get laid somewhere else, you should. If you can't then you have no business trying to hook up with a close friend.

Elodrian · 2014-03-07T16:18:19+00:00

[permanently deleted]

penis_sosmall · 2014-03-07T20:01:06+00:00

Ask her to wingman you. It will change the lens with which she views you. She will be trumpeting your finest qualities to other women... And she may realize that she is attracted to you through this repurposing. If not, then you have a hot female friend who will give you social proof with other girls. A good friend if you ask me.

2014-03-07T16:19:06+00:00

is it really worth giving it a shot and possibly lose someone that has always been there for you?

Is that really how it is or are you just her emotional tampon? Don't fucking lie to yourself. Every word I read here is just a giant excuse.

forgiveangel · 2014-03-07T14:49:36+00:00

Everything is risky if it is worth it. Being safe isn't going to get you anywhere. Before you consider telling your best friend, ask yourself "am I awesome?", "am I ready to invite this person into my life?". If you answer yes and feel grounded then take the risk. If she pushes you away because of how you feel then maybe you guys aren't that good of friends.

bobjimbobjim · 2014-03-07T16:38:19+00:00

The way I see it is a best friend you can talk about anything with, will talk about your girl interests with you, you don't get jealous when shes with other guys, she acts the same when you're with other girls and she will also help you get with other girls. If this isn't happening either your avoiding it because you don't really want her to be a friend, or she is because of the same reason. Usually it's always the former.

psychosloth14 · 2014-03-07T20:21:08+00:00

You can just do it without risking anything by telling her: "Wow, you look really sexy in the pants." without expecting anything in return.

That WILL make her attracted to you and then you can figure out if it's worth it.

Zack_Fair_ · 2014-03-08T01:04:31+00:00

same spot as you. told her how i felt after like three years. she didn't want to start things up romanticall but we're still best friends because she is that fantastic a person

2014-03-08T05:29:22+00:00

The friend zone is bad. On the other hand, I actually love being in the best friend zone. Having a girl that you can always call up and just chill with is great. Plus, having a female best friend gives you lots of social proof.

Title	What about the (best) friendzone?
Author	raginglovecat
Upvotes	25
Comments	19
Date	March 7, 2014 2:11 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1zt4qg/what_about_the_best_friendzone/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/what-about-the-best-friendzone.1367146 https://theredarchive.com/post/1367146

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