What is “vulnerability”?

I see a lot of people on this subreddit are confused about what Mark Manson’s theory of “vulnerability” means. I have read Models, and I have my own thoughts.

“Vulnerability,” as I understand it, is an acknowledgement of your weaknesses, and how you overcame them. The key part of my definition is “how you overcame them.” Nobody is attracted to weakness by itself, and if you tell somebody you are just weak, you have to balance it out with something strong about yourself, or they will lose attraction to you. That sounds harsh and ugly, but that’s just now the world works.

Of course, in a healthy relationship you need to be able to be honest with your partner and share your fears and weaknesses. But that should and can only happen once you have gotten to know each other and made a commitment to each other. When you first meet somebody, you should not bore them with tales of your weaknesses or expect them to act as your therapist, especially if there is no light at the end of the tunnel. If you met a woman and on the first night she said to you “I have terrible depression and I think of killing myself every day” there is nothing attractive about that at all. But if she said “I used to have terrible depression and I was suicidal, but then I started doing pottery and I now feel much better” you will admire her because she overcame an obstacle and became a better person for it.

Imagine you got invited to a party on Jay-Z’s boat. You would go, right? Sounds fun. Now, let’s say you went and Jay-Z just sounded like the typical douchebag rapper. “I got mad cars,” “I got mad hoes,” “I got lots of money,” etc... You might be a little impressed but you wouldn’t really care about or “like” Jay-Z. You would be bored and you wouldn’t really feel an emotional connection with Jay-Z. You would just be happy that you were on a boat in the sunshine having fun.

Now imagine that Jay-Z was vulnerable with you. Imagine he said something like “you know, every time I go on stage, I get incredibly nervous and I fear that I am going to fuck it all up. But I go on anyway. And once I’m up there, my nervousness goes away.” If he said this you would “like” Jay-Z a lot more. Why? Well, first of all, what he is saying is interesting. You get to see the thought process of a famous rapper and the psychology of a successful person, something not a lot of people get to see. Secondly, you become more impressed with Jay-Z. If Jay-Z gets nervous, he seems like more of a badass for fighting through it rather than if performing just came naturally to him. People love to minimize the success of others by thinking “well it just comes naturally to him” or “he was given to it by his parents.” But if he did it himself, he seems like more of a badass. Third, you would be inspired. If Jay-Z gets nervous and fights through it, why can’t I? You would literally become a stronger, better person for it. Fourth, you would feel “closer” to Jay-Z because he shared something intimate with you that you’re not “supposed” to share. You would also feel closer to him because you probably have also felt nervous at some point in your life and knowing that Jay-Z feels the same way makes you sympathetic and closer. Fifth, you would feel “closer” to Jay-Z because he was being honest with you. You know he had nothing to gain by telling you about his nervousness.

Now imagine if you’re talking to some loser on the boat and he says “I’ve always wanted to be a rapper but I’ve always been too nervous to try, so I didn’t.” That guy is technically being “vulnerable” but so what? He’s not attractive. In fact, he just made himself look like a bitch. Unlike Jay-Z, his nervousness 1) isn’t interesting because a lot of people are crippled by their nervousness; he’s nothing special. 2) He doesn’t seem like a badass. 3) You’re not inspired. 4) You don’t feel “closer” to him because, even though you probably also feel nervous, you don’t want to form an emotional connection with a guy whose nervousness cripples him because you don’t want to also be crippled. You want to overcome your own nervousness so seeing somebody else fail repels you, not attracts you. Finally, you wouldn’t be impressed by the guy’s “honesty” because you would just think he’s making excuses for not being successful.

Let me be clear. I am not saying “don’t ever tell a woman you have a weakness.” What I mean is that whatever “weakness” you reveal has to be counterbalanced with your strengths. If you are afraid of heights say it loud and proud, but make it clear that it doesn’t cripple you or hold you back from enjoying life. It’s ok to get nervous sometimes, it’s not ok for nervousness to cripple you. It’s also fine to admit that you’re not perfect. Admitting your weaknesses makes you attractive to girls precisely because it shows that you are not scared of them and you don’t let them hold you back. What’s sadder? A guy who can only speak language but doesn’t give a fuck or a guy who can speak 3 languages but is sad that he can’t speak 10?