Examples of Selflessness/Sacrifice

onacasserole · 2016-12-22T19:20:49+00:00

I'll speak to the bonus question part.

I do NOT think women should submit before they have a serious LTR or marriage. You can still do things for a guy, like cook dinner, showcase your homemaking skills by keeping a clean home, be sweet, not nag, let him take the lead on calling/planning dates, be supportive, give him some cookies, etc.

But, I've seen way too many women treat recent boyfriends or even guys they're just dating like husbands. They clean their houses for them, do their laundry, pack lunch for them, basically they play wife...I think that behavior can attract low-quality men who will use and move on.

Dating is a game and a negotiation. If you were negotiating a business deal you wouldn't tip your entire hand on the first meeting. Show glimpses of what you can do, maintain your demeanor, have fun, but I think going to his house to do his laundry/waiting on him hand and foot his a no-go until you're in a serious LTR or marriage. (sure, bring him a beer without him asking, but always leave a little more for later). I don't think a guy who you are not in a LTR with should be regularly giving you directives.

Being submissive and yielding is in many ways a greater, rarer, and more valuable gift than even sex. If you're RPW you wouldn't sleep with a guy super early without commitment, but you might wear something that shows a little cleavage and have a passionate make out session. That shows your sexuality your appeal and allure, but it doesn't give him all of it up front. The same should go for being selfless. Bring him a beer while he's watching tv, but don't rearrange your life for him or go extremely out of your way

StingrayVC · 2016-12-22T17:46:39+00:00

how did you yield or act completely selflessly or even sacrificed when you did not want to

I remember one where I was invited to a private Facebook group of people with whom I get on famously and with whom I have a whole lot in common. I was pretty excited about this, but we don't do social media. When I asked my husband if it was ok, he said no and I was very disappointed. Come to find out a couple of months later, this group was being systematically doxxed. Example 12,123 where my husband was right.

even when your SO did not deserve it?

I struggled for a few years when we first married with "standing up for myself". I'm a born people pleaser and I was struggling on how to balance this with not being that doormat we were all told was such a bad thing to be. My husband does not apologize, unless he's truly done something wrong and this used to make me crazy because I could not accept that most arguments were my fault and I was bound and determined to be right.

One day, like a ton of bricks, it FINALLY dawned on me. I'm not here ti be right. I'm here to be his wife, his lover and the person with whom he shares his life. I don't need to be right. I need to be his wife. I promised myself that I would no longer butt heads with him, but bend. If he comes home grouchy and takes it out on me, that's ok. It's not really me and I will take it to make his life easier (for those here longing to be offended, I'm not talking emotional abuse. I'm talking grouchy).

How often do you act in this matter?

A couple of times a year, at the most.

How has it shaped your role/experience in the relationship?

We hardly ever fight. In the past when we would butt heads, he would often laugh and just do his own thing. Now, when he comes home grouchy and might say something he regrets, he will apologize, where in the past, because I had to call him out on it, he wouldn't because I wouldn't bend.

Any advice on how to act counter to your own needs (not desires, needs -- this is important) to bring harmony to your relationship?

I can't think of a time I've had to do this, but if it ever did, I would pray. For those not religious, I would tell them that self sacrifice is not the demon that it is portrayed as today. The character it takes is astounding and to focus not on themselves, but the well being of the person with whom they have decided to share their lives.

How and when should women who are NOT married or in an LTR act selflessly for the guy they are dating? What is the limit?

When he has proven himself worthy of it. But, you must decide this and have the self confidence to know when this must be. You must know yourself so well, that you can do this. This is no small thing.

The limit is when his goals go counter to your own. I'm not talking small things, but major things. If you have to sacrifice something huge, you will resent him for it. It will ruin your relationship, for the both of you.

_TheFantasticMrsFox_ · 2016-12-22T19:32:14+00:00

Ohhhhh boy- this was the start of my RP journey. So, to preface, we moved from my home state (where we lived 7 hours from my home town) to his home state (3 hours from his home town). We moved for me to go to school- go amazing SO go. However, when it came time to have the "where will we build our home/ family" decision, imagine my surprise when I found out there would be no moving back to my home state. I had always imagined I would raise my children in my home town and he, being the amazing and supportive person he is, would be cool. He doesn't care about living near his family, he doesn't have an idea about another area that would work.. he just doesn't want to move to where I wanted. I. Was. Crushed. We talked, I cried, I was angry.. And then I shut up. Because although I definitely wanted this, ultimately I choose this man. I love him, and when I stopped thinking about " poor me" he finally told me that he wants what best for us, our future children and their quality of life and is prioritizing all of that before prioritizing whether or not we can go to my mom's for Sunday dinner (my home town/state is insanely expensive). So, even though this is a big deal and I had an idea about what would happen, I won't bring it up any longer/push because in the end, we're a team and we have a longgggg journey ahead.

This was a huge turning point in how I now tackle issues (big or small), I realize he has an internal reason and if I back off and take a breath, he'll clue me in when I need to know. I try to remember this with every decision we make together. Likewise, now if I bring something up or disagree- he knows it's a big deal to me and we can have an open discussion , with a harmonious outcome.

blushinglilly · 2016-12-22T17:15:43+00:00

I'll be honest, nothing comes to mind for me on this.

My husband is laid back and isn't particularly demanding and doesn't really do or ask for anything that I find challenging, so maybe that's part of it.

I don't know if this counts, but I find travelling and going on holiday makes me anxious and I wouldn't do it if I was on my own, but my husband loves it so I take part too. That's more of a case of me countering my desires then my needs though. In that case I just get on with it and try to do things that reduce my anxiety, such as having a list and doing some planning in advance.

In terms of the bonus question, I think that's tricky, but I think a good rule would be understanding the difference between being yielding and being a doormat, and only doing this for a man who respects your sacrifice.

By respect I don't mean I expect the man in the question to be grovelling with thanks, but you don't want a man who just uses you or takes advantage without any gratitude at all.

There is also balance, if you are the one giving everything in the relationship, that's a sign that it's going wrong in my opinion.

whistling_dixie · 2016-12-22T19:38:55+00:00

This is silly, but driving. I'm a good driver, I really am. B, however, does not think so. After many calm, straightforward comments over time that I would like him to stop insulting my driving, I finally got upset and cried and snapped at him over the weekend and he shared with me that he genuinely does worry about me driving.

I disagree with this. I know all of the age-old jokes about women being bad drivers, but I am not one. The worst offense I'm guilty of is bitching about other drivers (I really dislike other drivers).

Because of some past experiences, I have a strong dislike for being a passenger - on top of that, I typically get carsick if I'm a passenger. But, ultimately, do I want to continue subjecting myself to hurt feelings, or can I let the man that I trust just drive and be done with it? So, I finally just decided that I'm handing him the keys any time we go somewhere. I can just let him be in control. I know we'll get there safe, I just need to trust that.

The only advice I can give is to weigh the pros and cons - what's more beneficial for the relationship, will getting your way negatively impact the relationship, etc. The biggest one to consider though: can you keep your mouth shut and not be passive-aggressive after you've made your sacrifice? Martyrdom is not endearing, it typically comes off as whiny and needy.

And finally, with regard to women who are not married or in an LTR: it's proportional to the size of the sacrifice and the depth of the relationship. My driving thing may seem like a really petty thing to give up, but to me it's important and I wouldn't just willy nilly give the keys to my car to some guy I'd been on a few dates with. Sacrifices of time are more appropriate than sacrifices of more personal value in the earlier stages of a relationship.

CoochQuarantine · 2016-12-22T18:04:40+00:00

What are some examples of when you are yielding when you DON'T want to be?

I know I've talked about this a lot but for me it is in the kitchen. I just have this thing where I take food really seriously because of past traumas. I just get really controlly in the kitchen. But so does my SO aparently so I have to totally check myself before stepping into the kitchen. I need to tell myself 2 things. 1. He is going to try to change whatever you do. 2. It is his meal too and you are doing this for him. Usually that will make things better in the kitchen. ^{^{^usually}}

When/how did you yield or act completely selflessly or even sacrificed when you did not want to, or even when your SO did not deserve it?

Honestly, my SO deserves better than what I give. So I don't think there is a time when he doesn't deserve me to at least try. No matter what the circumstances are. He is so great to me and when I'm feeling like he doesn't deserve something it is usually because I am being ungrateful and not looking at the big picture.

How often do you act in this matter?

Most of the time I think. I will usually ask him first what he wants, what he wants to do. So when I come up with something and am excited about it he doesn't ever push back.

How has it shaped your role/experience in the relationship?

I have been told a lot about how wonderful I am and that he never knew how poorly he was treated until I came along. Which I think says a lot.

Any advice on how to act counter to your own needs (not desires, needs -- this is important) to bring harmony to your relationship?

I think for me it is easy to forget that it isn't just MY life anymore. It is our life. So some of the major decisions that have to be made can't be all about me. So what I need isn't necessarily what is going to get us to what WE need. Plus we aren't married so I don't think that there is much that he would comment on that would impact me so much at this point. That may or may not change but I don't think it will since he is just like that.

BONUS: How and when should women who are NOT married or in an LTR act selflessly for the guy they are dating? What is the limit?

Well there are varying stages. Just dating. Then I think with pacing of the relationship, date logistics, communication logistics. That should be up to the guy. If y'all live together but not married, then anything previous but also home logistics now. Where I particularly draw the line are things that would impact my life. For instance, I told my SO I am taking a cooking class in March. I did not ask him if that was ok. I told him. It directly impacts my life and has nothing to do with him per se. Same thing with Yoga Teacher Training next year. I told him. Now if we had been married the conversation would have been a lot different. But as another user said, I basically treat him like my Hubby. I do A LOT for that man but I love doing it all for him.

edit: also, I just bought a chuck norris calendar for next year... i text him a picture of that he said "that's your Office calendar right?" hahah I guess it's going in my office now. :D

LauraXVII · 2016-12-23T11:44:39+00:00

I just got a couple of boxes of chocolates for Christmas from the doctors I work for, but by the time I got them, boyfriend had already gone to his parents for Christmas

I've left them in the cupboard til we're both back after Christmas

Definitely not as serious as some other replies in the thread but I really want those chocolates!!

Littleknownfacts · 2016-12-22T17:01:37+00:00

When/how did you yield or act completely selflessly or even sacrificed when you did not want to, or even when your SO did not deserve it?

Birth control was a big one for us. I had to go off the pill for health reasons, I tried depo but the side effects were too much for me to take. I wanted to try NFP, but my SO wasn't having it. He wanted me to get nexplenon but it scared me for a few reasons. So after a couple of begrudging days I scheduled an appointment. And just before the appointment I chickened out. He said it was okay and ultimately my choice. But about a week later I gathered up the courage once more, got my ass to the gyno and viola! No babies! And despite the tramatic insertion, the side effects have been next to none.

How has it shaped your role/experience in the relationship?

I think it really showed him that I'm not just a fair weather GF. That I was willing to meet him halfway and do what needed to be done, as long as he was by my side (damn right I had him hold my hand through the whole thing!). It definitely brought us closer together and I would say it was definitely a milestone in our intimacy.

Any advice on how to act counter to your own needs (not desires, needs -- this is important) to bring harmony to your relationship?

Time I guess. It's really hard to do things right the first time (not that you shouldn't try). But if you fail, it's almost never too late to go back and make it right, or to apologise for being wrong.

BONUS: How and when should women who are NOT married or in an LTR act selflessly for the guy they are dating? What is the limit?

I'm gonna be a hypocrite and leave this blank. I treat my SO like I would a husband as I fully realize it's probably not the best strategy for most women who are still only in the LTR stage.

Title	Examples of Selflessness/Sacrifice
Author	Sunhappy_DC
Upvotes	15
Comments	47
Date	December 22, 2016 4:41 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/5jripc/examples_of_selflessnesssacrifice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/examples-of-selflessnesssacrifice.209274 https://theredarchive.com/post/209274

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