Unsolicited advice

StingrayVC · 2018-03-29T11:18:12+00:00

You're asking "should" questions. It's not really about should. It's about how the man you choose, himself chooses to be in a relationship and whether what he wants is compatible with what you want.

If you know you want advice given in a certain way, seek a man who gives you that and who is willing to take what you are capable of giving.

GratefulWifeandMama · 2018-03-29T16:10:03+00:00

I really don't like being told what to do or receiving unsolicited advice. Whenever someone tells me to do something or to do something a certain way, my first impulse is to do the opposite.

You might try understanding this aspect of your personality and evaluating if it is helping or hurting you. As Stingray said, vet vet vet. In my own life I used to be very similar to you. I don't even know how many times I told my husband "don't tell me what to do." And sometimes it can still rankle me because he is so direct and doesn't sugar coat things. If you find the right man something that I have found immensely valuable is to really internalize the fact that he wants the best for you. My husband is very process oriented. So for example if he can tell I am stressed or mismanaged my time so I am behind on laundry or something he will pipe in with a way he sees it could be streamlined. Since he doesn't actually know the process behind most of my homemaking tasks sometimes his advice is honestly laughable. But I appreciate that he is trying to make my life better and giving me his opinions. And sometimes he is spot on.

Having been raised as a feminist and embracing those philosophies when I was younger and dumber, letting go of my ego has been hard. I am still working on that every day. Just because someone is telling you what to do or how to do it doesn't mean you have to do it that way blindly, but blindly shooting that unsolicited advice down is just as bad.

Honestly, I wouldn't be concerning yourself with these thoughts or philosophies. It seems like perhaps you are overthinking a hypothetical future mate. A man will take the lead in a number of different styles, and you will end up picking the one most compatible with you.

Camille11325 · 2018-03-29T16:36:32+00:00

I'm sure many RPW will agree when I say that when you're with the right man, you naturally want to please him. You're eager to hear his advice/perspective, and you actively want to do things that make him happy. If you are constantly struggling in this area it could be a sign that you're not with the right person. I agree with /u/StingrayVC that you should find someone that truly gets you and can speak your language.

I also completely agree with /u/GratefulWifeandMama that you should consider if these traits you're describing are actually an asset or something that you need to work. The entire time I read your post all I could think was "EGO". You don't sound receptive at all, you sound really controlling and like someone who isn't ready to fully let another person into their life.

In most traditional dynamics, husbands will not take the time to make a case for their preferences, persuade you to their side, speak to you "neutrally", and present logical + objective arguments. MOST people don't do this, and that's okay. This goes against the nature of intimate human relationships and I feel like any man you try to hold to this standard will never truly be able to get close to you. You ALWAYS have free will and the ability to make the ultimate decisions in your life, no matter what your relationship dynamic is. But "self reliance" shouldn't be prioritised over union and love imo.

Have you read my relationship dynamics series? It's in the essential posts section of the wiki. I started it b/c Captain/First Mate is a useful analogy but not completely accurate for many types of traditional and RP dynamics. I get that you don't want overt leadership, but situations will arise where SOMEONE has to have the final say. And you will also experience several moments where even if you are right, it is in your best interest to concede your point or not get your way, for the greater good of the relationship. Abandon your "tit for tat" mentality and don't keep score of who is compromising when, or how many times you have to follow a direction vs. make your own choices.

Edit: this is a great question thanks for asking it :)

PyjamaTime · 2018-03-29T13:47:52+00:00

I think that nothing is black and white / absolute / 100%. Sometimes he'll have better mate ideas and you'll have better captain ideas. As you're in a partnership it's sensible to let the other swap roles occasionally and also in doing so can give you guidance.

Hartley7 · 2018-04-06T00:54:57+00:00

A red pill man is not going to be happy with a woman who lacks feminine receptiveness. I see a lot of stubborn pride in your post and I completely understand your approach because I used to be the same way. It seems like you are fearful of being controlled and engulfed.

You are not obligated to take any advice which you do not agree with. However, it could be helpful to think about how you might be perceived within the framework of a healthy and happy red pill relationship. Being able to yield to the right man is important. Constant power struggles are tiresome.

maya_elena2 · 2018-04-06T03:03:56+00:00

Well, I'd look at why a given piece of advice, particularly from a man, raises your hackles. In the ideal situation, he knows how to tell you things tactfully, and you trust him enough not to bristle at it. Calibrating your communication is part of the adjustment that has to happen in a happy long-term relationship - and when people can't, or the effort is too great, the relationship probably won't work out.

To illustrate, here are some sample situations:

-Is he trying to solve a problem when you just want to vent? Unless he's either naturally sensitive to these things, or experienced, or reads this corner of the Internet a lot, he will - not - get - it until you tell him, point blank, many times, in a nice way, that you just want to vent. That's just how it is - it's one of those differences you mentioned.

-Do you have reason to not trust his judgment? For example, he might have a poor sense of direction but try to correct your driving. Or he might have a higher opinion of his knowledge than it actually is. In this case, it's him - not you. Someone without congruence, and arrogant in the bargain, is probably someone to stay away from - unless the bravado is minor and quite fixable or tolerable (like the bad directions.) I think men tend to be more assertive than women, which - when unchecked - can become arrogance. (Another difference for you there - though there are plenty of arrogant women of course!)

-Is he saying something you know to be right, but don't want to hear because of your own insecurities? (E.g., "lose weight", "just tell her directly how you feel"). That's on you, but you can gently suggest that he phrase it better. He might not think "presentation" matters (e.g., "get out, I'm busy" vs. "hey, could you please leave? I'm busy right now!"), but it does.

Anyway, that's my way-more-than-two-cents. Good luck!

Title	Unsolicited advice
Author	sekoiasan
Upvotes	4
Comments	15
Date	March 29, 2018 7:14 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/87zbbl/unsolicited_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/unsolicited-advice.208555 https://theredarchive.com/post/208555

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