Leading by example backfire

UEMcGill · 2015-06-02T12:28:04+00:00

This is actually a covert contract. Your walking around cleaning and expecting her to jump in and help. But she failed and now your mad. You can't be mad at her for this. Leaders don't lead by example, that's nice guy shit they tell each other because they don't want to do the hard stuff. Leaders set clear goals and expectations, then hold their people accountable.

This is simple. You're a man, tell her what you need. "I can't live in a pig sty anymore. I need you to do XYZ, while I take care of ABC.."

RPAlternate42 · 2015-06-02T06:18:24+00:00

Assign tasks. Leaders lead by example, but they issue orders too. Household chores are typically regarded as woman work... But that kind of stuff is just shit that needs to be done.

Does she work? If not, then all of this is her work. Period.

Whatever is assigned, just tell her that these things need to be done at whatever interval, and that you expect her to do them. They need to be done because the house needs to be clean and that is your expectation.

taon4r5 · 2015-06-02T12:00:41+00:00

"If I clean up, she'll clean up too" is just another covert contract. Doing stuff is good. Doing stuff and being overt with your expectations is better.

Enphuego · 2015-06-03T00:11:14+00:00

After I watched a TED Talk about Agile for families I decided to give it a go in my family. There was a bit of a struggle with pulling my wife along with it, but since there's no real set objective to the family meetings, there's really nothing to fight about. We just discuss "What worked last week, what didn't work last week, what do we want to work on this week."

A theme of mine recently has been developing healthy routines so I mentioned that chores around the house wasn't really going that well.

First week, we set up a list of chores for each day and checked them off the list. The wife didn't really care for it, didn't see the point in checking anything off and it didn't work so great.

Second week I mentioned that the routine was OK, but nobody was really doing all the things or checking the boxes. I suggested coming up with some kind of penalty or reward, wife hated the idea. She participated a bit more.

Third week it was still pretty hit and miss but we put more checks in the boxes. It's kinda weird to see it at the end of the week - if you didn't handle your jobs, it's pretty obvious. I suggested that instead of getting pissed, if a person forgets their chore, the other person can steal it and get some sort of points. My wife liked the idea and we gave things points and then she came up with "prizes" that we could win that mostly boil down to favors. The system ended up being a lot different than what I had in mind, but whatever it works. My wife also gave her chores a bit more points than they probably deserve - but does it really matter?

Last week was much better, now a missed chore is an opportunity to steal it and if you are thinking about skipping your chore you'll be worried it will get stolen before you can catch up. It helped change the whole mentality of it - if my wife doesn't do the dishes I'll steal the job in the morning and get her points. Now I just have to make sure that I live up to my side of the game.

The best part is that it's a game without a way to lose.

I'm not suggesting that you implement anything in particular, it just seems that your plans have failed to include anyone else on the team. Plus, it would be way more effective to just invite friends over twice a week and let social pressure to the rest.

dandar4600 · 2015-06-02T12:08:34+00:00

If she works and you work do a little each day. Assign tasks like you do dishes she does laundry and both of you fold and put away clothes. She does dusting, vacuuming, toilets. You do mowing and mopping the floors. I have a couple thousand square feet to mop so I use a big and heavy one that's why I usually do it.

Separate the tasks how you feel it's fair. Do a little each day and it won't seem like such a big task.

mrp_it · 2015-06-02T18:36:14+00:00

Echoing the covert contract sentiment. Try to be more assertive and direct.

"I washed and folded the whites already. The colors are in the dryer, but I need to hit the gym before it closes. Can you fold the colors when they're dry."

If she doesn't do it, don't ask why she didn't do it. Instead tell her, "You have to meet me half way here, or you can do your own laundry."

If she still doesn't do it, stop doing her laundry.

En_sigma · 2015-06-04T12:54:05+00:00

She don't like you.

If you are the butler and she does not care that you are working while she is sitting, and she has no desire to take care of you, she don't like you.

You were a slob who married a slob. Now you expect her to jump up and clean because you do. That is not who she is, she is a slob. You can't throw the helm over on a slob and make June Cleaver out of her.

You need to improve yourself to the point that she realizes that she is being left behind. If you want to clean, then clean, but also go to the gym, dress better, become a catch AND DREAD THE DAYLIGHTS OUT OF HER! When you finish cleaning and she is sitting on the couch, go do the cool stuff you have been putting off because you are a married sclubb. Take the boat or waverunner out, ride the motorcyle, hang out with the homeys doing cool stuff.

She needs to see that you are the in control catch and she is the slob that other women are willing to step over to reach you.

fnordsnord · 2015-06-02T18:37:27+00:00

Ask her to do things. Be specific.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-06-03T00:46:54+00:00

Leading by example doesn't mean doing it yourself. It may mean doing it along with the other person but not by yourself. Like UEMcGill says it is a covert contract- and a pretty toxic one at that.

Title	Leading by example backfire
Author	inconbunwa
Upvotes	9
Comments	12
Date	June 2, 2015 4:05 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/386bzv/leading_by_example_backfire/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/leading-by-example-backfire.201784 https://theredarchive.com/post/201784

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