Divorce Doesn’t Have to be a Nuke

Many guys seem to be fingering the divorce button like it’s a first date lately. It’s not a button you should finger lightly and if you do decide to slide into it, you will get far better results if you know what the fuck you’re doing.

Disclaimer #1: This is one of those, “don’t read it if you are new to MRP” posts. This is not meant to give you the easy button to make that horrible, meanie, sexless wife of yours disappear and then your life will be perfect. No, unless you are 1 year+ in, have clear interest from other women, have interests outside of sex and have become captain of your own life, bookmark this and come back to read it when you are there. You need to be sure of what your destination is before learning how to sail through these troubled waters will benefit you.

Disclaimer #2: This advice applies to most but not all cases. Yes there are crazy bitches; you may have married one, you may be one. If shit has gone abnormally bad - and I’m talking point of no return bad - then yes, you’re fucked. Go back to the full nuke model.

So moving on.. Assuming you haven’t been disclaimed out, how do you know what the fuck you’re doing from a tactical perspective? That’s our topic today. 

Divorce is about frame. And the frame we get from most of the internet and even most of MRP is: you’re nuking things, you’re going to get fucked, divorce raped, kids taken away, etc. It’s all true insofar as it’s possible, but I’m going to assert that the vast majority of the time, this doesn’t have to be the case.

There is a difference between a good divorce and a bad divorce. In order to fully appreciate this, we need to dispel or at least reframe some myths:

Myth #1 - You need a lawyer in order to reach a settlement

Lawyers love this myth. But they don’t love you. They don’t give a fuck about you. It’s like two realtors working on a house sale - they don’t work for you, they work for the transaction. Divorce law wasn’t meant for the current age we are in - it was meant to determine fault. However, with all states and most western countries now being some form of no fault, the process largely makes no sense. What’s worse is lawyers are incented to drag your case out, incite conflict and amp up their billable hours to the max. It’s only when they have sufficiently depleted your wealth and sucked you dry that they start talking seriously about settlement. And 99% of divorce cases do settle outside of court. They nearly all settle within roughly the same standards that could have just been disclosed upfront and agreed to by both divorcing parties - leaving them with far more wealth after the divorce and leaving the lawyers with far less billable hours.

You don’t need a lawyer unless you have a unique / very bad case. You may need a mediator, but the legal part is really just procedural once you take the typically contentious lawyer model out of it and reach a settlement.

Myth #2 - You don’t owe her shit / Bitch will divorce rape you

Really? Who entered into an open contract with two other parties (yes, you’ve married your wife and another bitch, the government) that has its terms and conditions undefined to be decided by a fucktard feminist judge that doesn’t even know either of you at some point in the future as-needed? YOU DID. Paying her is the cost of doing business and agreeing to such a contract. Don’t be a bitch about it. Worry about not paying lawyers instead. Your wife doesn’t divorce rape you, the lawyers do. Ultimately a good mediator can help you land on what is a standard settlement for your state / region. Accept that and be glad lawyers aren’t fisting your ass.

Myth #3 - Divorce has to be a fight

Why? Because your frame is shit? How about instead of a fight, you prepare well and then level with your spouse to find a fair settlement? More on that below, but just like any interaction, it doesn’t have to be a fight unless you allow it to be.

Myth #4 - You can’t be a family afterwards

Again, why not? It depends on your frame, but you’re still the captain even if you are sending the first mate to another ship. You should be shooting for collaboration, which I’ll show you how to maximize your chances of. With collaboration, you can still have a family and do some things together as a family even after the divorce. It can simply be a reorganization of the family, not the end of it. Or do the opposite - comes down to what you want in your post-divorce world. The point is it is possible because you say it is.

Myth #5 - You will be financially ruined afterwards

Assuming you have your ship’s finances under control (which you should have taken control of long ago), dividing assets by 2 and using your state’s standard maintenance and child support payment calculators should not ruin you. Use a mutually agreed upon mediator if necessary. Then get even smarter about your finances and what you will have left. Think Mr. Money Mustache. You don’t need much to live a life of great abundance if you just manage it the right way.

Myth #6 - You shouldn’t fuck your wife during the divorce

Doesn’t matter much in my experience. I say take the great hysterical bonding sex while it’s on the table. Eventually it will wane. Keep the divorce on track and don’t give any false hope that good sex is turning things around. If you got this far, sex shouldn’t be your problem in marriage or life anymore.

Myth #6 - Your wife won’t get over it

Maybe not as common of a myth, but if you have a high SMV, your wife will be attracted to you. You will feel her attachment to you. You will get tears, snot bubbles, pleas, overt negotiation, etc.

Take all of this seriously! It’s not bullshit. She’s trying to find a way to stay on the ship. Maybe there is a way, maybe not - up to you. If you get a request for therapy, take it. Go to therapy and give it a fair shot. Most therapists use shitty BP techniques, but they also have training in helping people reconnect and providing a forum for desperate overt discussion and negotiation. It can work, although very unlikely. By going to therapy, you are also showing you are exhausting every possibility, which shows you don’t take your decision to divorce lightly. 

All that to say, if you end up in divorce and manage things appropriately, she will get over it. You may be surprised at how fast. Remember, it was always just your turn. Older women (40+) are going to follow TRM’s Preventive Medicine map and look for the first beta they can find to provide for them. There are 1000’s of beta man-children in line to do whatever your wife says - no matter how fat and harpie she can be. Realize this is a good thing and embrace it.

Myth #7 - You don’t want her to move on

Lose your ego. You are the prize, but women are built to adapt to new mates when needed. And you want this to happen. When she moves on, she gets closer to remarrying - which in western society she almost certainly will. You want this to happen ASAP. Tell her you understand, you are happy for her and you support her. Get her ass remarried and end those maintenance payments!

Myth #8 - It’s worse for the kids / they will hate you / some other hamstering about kids being a reason to stay together

Kids follow the frame they are given. If you can get your wife on the same page as you overall, it will be much easier on the kids. Again, this is a restructuring of the family. Be clear it is not their fault, there’s nothing they can do to stop it and explain in detail what their lives will look like after the divorce (e.g. where they will be on which days, they will have 2 bedrooms now in 2 different houses, how school activities / buses will work, etc.). They are probably more resilient than you can imagine. They may need a period to cope with the news, but they will adjust and be fine.

Execution

So once you’ve reframed the divorce you are going to lead your ship into, you now have a clear picture of where you’re going. Now spend some time picturing this new reality from (1) your point of view, (2) your wife’s point of view and (3) your children’s points of view. You are about to affect many people’s lives here and you owe it to your crew and yourself to do it responsibility.

Divorce settlement has 4 components:

1 - Custody

2 - Child Support

3 - Maintenance / Alimony

4 - Asset Division

None of these are rocket surgery and none require a lawyer to gain agreement with your wife on in most cases. Think through what a fair picture of these four factors would be for you and your wife, one at a time. Think of gives and takes that are important to you and that will be important to her. Be reasonable. 

Telling your wife you want a divorce

How you start a divorce lays the groundwork for how it will end. As captain, you should have laid the groundwork for months. You should have set expectations clearly with your wife, which she is clearly not meeting otherwise you wouldn’t want a divorce (or you just never wanted to be married to begin with). Be active with her in working to help her meet your expectations where it’s possible. After some time, when you run out of ideas on how to improve the marriage, tell her that. Ask her if she has any ideas. Be open to them. Again, go to therapy if requested. Set a limit the number of sessions with your wife prior to starting. Within that limit, you should start to see results, otherwise you are going to move to divorce together. See here for more good tips on how to tell your wife. Plan all the way to the end as LOP #29 taught us and do it right - it is the most important part of the process.

Reaching settlement

After giving your wife adequate time and with sensitivity, start talking through the 4 components of divorce settlement. Try to reach agreement on each one as much as possible. Whatever you don’t reach agreement on, find a mediator to help you resolve.

Finalizing the divorce

Once you reach settlement - it is just administrative from there. You can get a single lawyer to execute your paperwork if you’d like (and only to do this function, no drame-inciting services required), you could use an online service or you could fill out the forms yourself (I recommend having a mediator or lawyer check them however). 

In conclusion..

My main point here is to show you divorce doesn’t have to be this big fucking catastorphe unless you and/or your wife are big fucking catastrophies. Most normal people can work through their differences, be fair and as positive as possible about it and move on with their lives.

PS - I suggest holding off on fucking the 20 somethings until you or your wife moves out. It’s already a complicated time, don’t add unnecessary risk to your masterful plan. The thots will all be there waiting for you once you are in the clear.