I'm a mother, looking for a little advice to help my son enjoy school

2012-07-26T03:56:32+00:00

The school system really beat up my son. His self-esteem went through the floor because he wasn't reading as well as the girls in his class - then again none of the boys were. He was singled out for special attention, which I think only ostracized him more and he began using the phrase, "I know! I'm not stupid you know!"

Instead of working on his reading, I worked on his self-esteem at home. And like the studies suggest, he starting reading as well as girls just this year without any special attention or hardwork thrown at the problem (he's 12).

Just be aware you will end up going against self-absorbed teachers who think having some English degree makes them a better parent and better informed than you are.

boopah · 2012-07-26T01:31:25+00:00

First and foremost realize that you probably can't do much about how they system is going to treat him. The environment at the school is probably going to suck for him and you can't change that. What your goal should be is to prevent the fact that his school sucks from making him think that learning about things sucks. Find out what he thinks is cool and support him in it. If he later changes his mind about what he finds intellectually stimulating, then support him in that. That way he can see that learning about interesting topics can be enjoyable and fulfilling, even if his structured learning environment is terrible. As a plus, having the ability to teach himself technical or advanced material is an incredibly useful skill which he will benefit from in either college or the workforce.

2012-07-26T03:17:13+00:00

If you have the time, read the book "The War Against Boys" by Christina Hiff Sommers. It is a great insight into the nature of the feminised public school system in the US, and looks at steps that can be made to address this.

buylocal745 · 2012-07-26T02:45:58+00:00

If there is a single gendered high school, SEND HIM THERE. They are so much better than co ed, because they tailor the style specifically to boys.

pcarvious · 2012-07-26T02:24:58+00:00

Get the modern marvels documentaries. How it's made, documentaries. Hell, even good eats. Engage his mind through his hands. K'ynx and legos are good toys for this. When dealing with his school, volunteer regularly in his classroom. If the teacher knows who you are and likes you, they're more likely to work with your son instead of trying to get him put in special ed. If the school tries to diagnose him with ADD take him to a specialist and have him tested. Schools rarely have the tools for accurate diagnosis.

Some schools have tutoring and mentoring programs. Get your son enrolled. It might cost you money, but it's really helpful. Make sure you get the school's policies as well as the districts. If they aren't in writing at the school then go to the district building. If they refuse to provide them then demand them. They can't deny you access to them. Get him tested for advanced placement as often as you can. Don't skip grades though.

manwithmonocle · 2012-07-26T03:55:55+00:00

Academics

Early on, the most important part of school is the social aspect. The sooner you see it that way, I think his education should progress according to his abilities and not a particular grade level. I went to public school my entire life (also had a short stint with homeschooling), and the absolute worst thing was feeling like you weren't "cool" or "normal" because the math or reading was too easy. Conversely, if I felt stupid or inadequate I would lose enthusiasm for learning, and this is really hard to recover from. If it's possible, consider the "bell curve" and try to keep your proficiency way above that. It might sound a bit insidious, but your typical valedictorian and high-achievers are usually that way because of the constant praise they received from teachers. There are equally and perhaps more capable "lazy" students that are probably just bored with the curriculum or being locked up in a building for 6 hours. The problem with the latter is that they assess their value according to this, and it is very harmful.

Social Aspects

I changed schools a lot as a kid because of the nature of my parents work, but I wish I was more involved in my school. It's a lot easier to wake up at 7/8am as a kid if you feel like there's a chasm where you belong and feel among peers (this has nothing to do with age really). Examples: sports, music, math/academic clubs. The sooner you can do something that makes you feel really good about yourself, the easier it is not to define your self-worth based on what others do.

tl;dr school isn't about education, just social conditioning; positive feedback loop in how well you perform/how it makes you feel.

keypuncher · 2012-07-26T07:26:16+00:00

I know one of the things that helped me was that my mother read to me a lot and encouraged me to learn to read and write before I got into kindergarten (she wouldn't teach me how to write cursive because she was afraid it would put me too far ahead).

Because of this, I developed a love of reading - and proceeded to read everything I could get my hands on.

My mother also encouraged and taught me critical thinking - an important skill that is too seldom taught in schools. The ability to look at a 'fact' and ask what caused it to be that way, whether it is in fact 'true', and why - and then come up with the answers on your own instead of expecting them to be spoon-fed to you is a tremendously important life skill.

2012-07-26T04:26:19+00:00

My suggestion is to read Learned Optimism.

Essentially a good portion of your son's chances depend on his explanatory style, and if you are a single mother there is a higher chance that without coping skills he might be more prone to depression and poor performance in school.

As the book points out, women are more prone to ruminate over stressful events whereas men are more prone to act - there are some sections on the differences between male and female explanatory style mentioned in the book.

If you want to ensure your son does the best in school, do your best to help him maintain a healthy level of optimism. When he has problems, you can help imprint upon him male coping behavior by acting with him to help him not ruminate too much on such issues. What I mean by "acting" is participating in activities with him.

Of course, it's not just about him. Much of what you read in the book will be helpful to yourself as well, and you can use those techniques to lead by example.

That's my advice based on what little I know. Good luck, and all the best!

TracyMorganFreeman · 2012-07-26T04:34:13+00:00

Even a sport he enjoys would be helpful. It will give him an outlet, help him socialize in an environment different from the school, and if we want to get technical, daily exercise helps keep dopamine levels high which influences patience and mood and should help him maintain focus/not get frustrated as easily.

Being involved with the teacher and their supervisors along with your son to ensure he is getting proper attention, too. Be wary of pathological diagnoses, as teachers either through laziness or ignorance may wish to shift the blame of poor performance onto the child. It is sometimes the case, but simply be wary of it and get a professional opinion before you give any credence to such assessments. The last thing you want to have your son held back by a culture of pathologizing normal boy behavior.

I can't say what would have made me happier/interested going through school. I was a bookworm and didn't really care much about the social norms. I would say encourage what they seem to really enjoy, while at the same time occasionally having them try new things while not pressuring them to take it on, making it clear that if it's something they don't enjoy they don't have to(exceptions might be basic reading and math, but I think you understand where I'm coming from). If your child struggles with something remember that it may not be the child being dim, but simply how the information is presented to them. Boys are typically visual or kinesthetic learners, so having them see or feel it is often the best way(clearly with exceptions). Be wary of the nature of primary and secondary education as it stands as it doesn't encourage many of the learning strategies that boys typically employ more: group projects with clear division of responsibilities and social hierarchies(you can replicate this with household chores in the home, even on a rotating basis), an emphasis problem solving/challenges versus wrote memorization and coursework(challenging him to do something or fix something than to simply "do" something for the sake of doing it can get a very different response and greater focus), etc. although these are mere trends and not clear cut. Specifics in the execution of this kind of encouragement can be nuanced, but I think I am a bit underqualified for go further and I am ranting as is. A private tutor may be helpful if you can afford it as well.

In essence, the best way for any child to succeed in something is for them to enjoy it, and to not be discouraged. Don't let a system hold your son back from enjoying and fully embracing life.

2012-07-26T09:01:06+00:00

Give your son clear, reachable goals that he can achieve when it comes to learning. Don't underestimate learning by doing. Following concepts might also benefit your sons learning:

KhanAcademy http://www.khanacademy.org/ explanation of the conecpt: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTFEUsudhfs

Secrets of a BuccaneerScholar http://www.buccaneerscholar.com/

Jesus_marley · 2012-07-26T12:51:38+00:00

In my experience, one of the best ways to encourage boys to learn is to not praise them on their intelligence but to praise them on their effort. When your son accomplishes a task, don't tell him he is really smart, but instead praise him for doing a good job or at least trying very hard. By praising intelligence it places the emphasis on an area that children do not control. Intelligence is perceived as something you either have or you don't. If you place the emphasis on that, eventually your child will "reach their limit" so to speak. They will encounter a task that they believe their intelligence won't overcome so they will not even attempt it for fear of failure. Yet if you reinforce their effort (Good Job! or Good try!), even when they fail, it teaches them to continue on; that there are no limits, merely obstacles. It places the tools for their success firmly in their hands.

As for school, it will be an uphill battle. With any luck you will get a good teacher who does not harbor a bias against boys but it is unlikely. If it gets to be too much, there is always the option of home schooling. To be honest, consistent support from home can counteract a lot of the bias he will encounter but he will see the effects regardless. Sadly, that is simply the nature of the current public education system.

shonmao · 2012-07-26T05:40:18+00:00

I wonder if there are maker/hacker spaces in your area that he could go to where he could find and make his own education.

2012-07-26T05:53:18+00:00

I highly advice for you to take a few minutes and watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG9CE55wbtY

This is not about boys, but education in general. Should be useful!

PublicStranger · 2012-07-26T07:35:08+00:00

Make sure he has a social life outside of school, away from his classmates. If his social life at school takes a dive, having friends elsewhere will help him get through the day and still feel like a likeable, worthwhile person.

2012-07-26T11:36:34+00:00

I am assuming that you are in the United States and using the Public Education System.

My first bit of advice would be to buy Hooked on Phonics. Phonics is a superior was to learn to read, which has been abandoned at many schools. This hurts girls and boys, but boys more. Girls, also, learn language skills earlier, but this should help him overcome that.

Everything else seems to have been covered.

I agree heavily with the self-respect stuff, but as he hasn't been beat up on yet, that shouldn't be a problem. The question will be fighting the negative influences of the teachers.

rightsbot · 2012-07-26T01:16:21+00:00

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2012-07-26T02:53:39+00:00

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Happy_Bluesky · 2012-07-26T04:32:33+00:00

I'm just curious because I have not seen anything like this, but how is it that school systems treat boys differently? If anyone would care to explain, that would be great.

GunOfSod · 2012-07-26T05:49:16+00:00

What kind of male role models does you son have at the moment? Is his father in the picture?

The reason I ask is that if he doesn't have much interaction with men, then I'd suggest trying to find a school with a good number of male teachers. A good male role model is incredibly important for boys when they get to school age, they're all about trying to find someone of the same gender to emulate.

married_woman_plus_k · 2012-07-26T02:54:55+00:00

Home school, small town. It's really your only option unless you want the educational system and media to raise him and indoctrinate him with ridiculous liberal propaganda.

Title	I'm a mother, looking for a little advice to help my son enjoy school
Author	boopah
Upvotes	35
Comments	59
Date	July 26, 2012 1:14 AM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/x5x6r/im_a_mother_looking_for_a_little_advice_to_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/im-a-mother-looking-for-a-little-advice-to-help-my.1017146 https://theredarchive.com/post/1017146

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